Excuse me, but I think your humanity is showing.

Can we have bad self esteem days like we have bad hair days? What would you call it? A pity party? A crap day? What if it last longer than a day?

I feel like I am the most terrible teacher, the worst kind of sister, a horrible daughter, and a selfish friend.

And, worst of all, I feel like I am the most awful Christian.

I feel like everything I touch turns to crap. And, the more I search for someone or something to blame, the more I find that it is all my fault. And, the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. And, I think therein lies my problem.

I keep trying to fix everything.

I have control issues, I know. And, I think lately, God has been asking me to let go of them. I've been fighting. Now, I'm just tired...and over emotional. And, all of these emotions are ugly. They are jealousy and selfishness, self doubt and pride, bitterness and maybe even a little bit of hatred.

Surely, this isn't what God wanted for my life. He didn't want me fighting for control and turning into one ugly mess with a life that is quickly spinning out of control.

Lately, I've just felt like if I can get one minute on solid ground, I'll be able to put all of this together. And, today, I realized that He's the solid ground I need. He's the one who can put me back together. He's the one who can take all of this ugliness and turn it into something beautiful. But, before He can do that, I have to relinquish control. I have to give him my entire life to work in...the whole thing.

So much easier said than done.

With all my knowing, how can I be so stupid as to think I can do a better job than He could? I think it's just my humanity showing. And, it's ugly. And, it's horrible. And, it's disgusting. Why can't I just let Him take it and make it into what He wants to? Guaranteed, it will be prettier than anything I could come up with...

I wish I had more time to blog. I wish I had more time to do a lot of things. In fact, I have a lot of things to say...but, for once, I'm not sure I have the words.

But, here is a picture that needs no words:



She's beautiful already.

(Okay, we don't know if she's a girl for sure, but this aunt is feeling a niece.)

A Great Friend...

I don't even have the words to express...



But, my sister's pain is at least twice mine...

Run with Endurance

I feel like its been ages since I've posted. And, that's not for lack of things to post. God has done so much in my life since I last blogged that I don't even know where to begin.

My job situation changed. It wasn't what I wanted, but I think it was right. But, in the process of trying to be obedient, I battled a lot of other unwelcome emotions: jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, anger. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make it. I thought I found some peace, and then I would cry on my way home from work. I would start to get excited and then, the bitterness would seep in. I literally cried for a week. Then, I was journaling/praying because they happen simultaneously for me. And, I realized I needed to ask for forgiveness. Imediately. So, I made the necessary phone call, my hands were shaking as I did it. But, as soon as I said those words, a weight lifted off my shoulders.

This verse was my salvation:

'Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely and run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and protector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is now sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.' Hebrews 12:1

This verse immediately follows the 'Faith Hall of Fame' in Hebrews 11. So, this great cloud of witnesses is Abraham and Issac, Noah and Gideon, and so on. We are surrounded by the stories of men who made it. They lived on faith and received their promises. So, now, it's my turn to lay aside the weights and sins that slow me down and run. I have been given all the tools that these men were given. They were only men. But, they were men who chose to run with endurance. Were they scared? Sure. I'm postive that Abraham was shaking in his boots when he walked his son up to that altar. Did they have their doubts? Absolutely. You don't think Noah didn't wake up every day thinking, 'am I as crazy as everyone thinks I am?' You bet he did. Were they worried that they wouldn't be able to do what God had called them to do? Definitely. Moses told God that he was no speaker, and God said, 'I know. Carry on.'

But, they ran. They ran with endurance. They looked to God and only to God. And, now its my turn to run. God has set a race before me and He has given me the tools necessary to run the next leg. I just need to take his hand and run like the wind.

I'm still overwhelmed. I still have my doubts that I'm going to be able to do this. I'm still unsure of His plan for me. But, I'm running.

Win, Lose, or Sing

I had a weird day, but in the end, it was a good day. Nothing that happened today was what I thought was going to happen when I went to bed last night. And, it was probably all for the better. God provided what I needed.

But, I am still stressed and frustrated. I feel like I don't have anything in my win column right now. Job? Lose. Romance? Lose. Finances? Lose. Stability? Lose. I'm sure right now you're probably thinking of a few more things to throw into that lose column. And, I almost feel like the very fact that I am sorting my life into win and lose columns also belongs in the lose column.

On the way home from work, I was getting tired of the radio, so I put in Ingrid Michelson. And, just so you know, I cranked it up and sang at the top of my lungs. And, yes the hummer next to me at the stop light did crank up his rap, but I sang my little heart out anyway. The first song, the title track:

I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today

I just want to feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

I just want to know today, know today
I just want to know something today

I was thinking, I can do that. Those are attainable goals. I'm okay today. I made it to the end of the today in one piece. I felt a lot of amazing things today. I had a lot of feelings today, good and bad, but I felt them. And, I knew something today. I knew that God provided. I felt His love. And, in the end, that's what made me okay today.

Will I be okay tomorrow? I have no idea. But, God's gonna be with me. Will I feel Him? Sometimes, I don't. Will I know its Him? I'm usually pretty dumb about those kinds of things. But, I'm okay today. I felt today. I knew today.

Put that in the win column.

Hide me.

I had a rough week. All day on Friday, I found myself praying. I was begging God to show me in some small way that He was still there. I needed to know that He was still in control, that He still cared enough to order my steps. I needed to Him to hold me. I prayed on the way to work. I prayed during nap while I was putting the kids down. I prayed all the way home.

And, then I went to church.

I've learned not to expect much from church. I know. Bad attitude.

God spoke to me. He literally spoke directly to me. He said, 'I am still your God. I am still on the throne. I am still in control. And, I will hide you in the cleft of the rock.' He said those words through someone else, but I knew they were for me.

Even now as I tell you this, I'm crying. I cannot believe that He took the time to answer my prayer personally. Especially with all my unbelief and doubting and bad attitude. Who am I that He is mindful of me?

Are things still up in the air in every area of my life? Yes. I'm still not sure about my job situation. I'm still single. I still live in my parent's house. I still don't always know how I'm going to pay my bills. (And, I might be embarking on a church search, as well. But, I'll save that for another blog.)

But, I know that He's on the throne. And, that He's going to hide me in the cleft of that rock. So, while the storm rages on outside, He's in control. Nothing can happen that He's not ready for, that He hasn't already seen. And, that God that sits on the throne, in control of the universe, calls me friend. I have no idea why He wants to be my friend, but I'm just going to rest in that for awhile.

Let's just say I'm quirky...

I freak out. It's just what I do. I obsess and overanalyze. I obsess over the tiniest little details. I replay situations and conversations in my head over and over and over again. I think about what I could have said or done differently. I try to plan for every possible scenario.

I'm a control freak. I really need to be in control of every situation. I don't like going into new restuarants or stores because I know that someone else is going to be in control of the situation. I suck at relationships, especially those between boys and girls, because I can't always be in control and I have trouble coping with that realization.

Years of training in counseling has taught me some coping mechanisms. Some of them are crazy and some of them are obvious. I hum Indiana Jones before walking into unfamiliar territory to remind myself that adventure is good and so is stepping out of my comfort zone. I take deep breaths before reacting to change so I can think through my reaction. I write. I keep my mind busy so I won't obsess and overanalyze.

Here's the thing: I know you're all really impressed that I'm so functional. I know its fantastic that I can use these coping mechanisms to work through my 'issues.' Considering how painfully shy I was in high school, a therapist would most likely consider this progess.

But, God doesn't.

He doesn't want me to rely on my little therapuetic 'tricks' to get myself through tough situations. He doesn't want me to plot and plan and replan. He doesn't want me to do things my own way, which because I'm a control freak, I tend to do.

He just wants me to trust Him. He wants me to come to Him when I'm freaking out and pour out my heart. He wants to hear my fears and dreams and hopes. And, this is beyond me, but I think He wants to hear my overanalyzations.

He wants me to give Him the control. And, really, that should be the only coping mechanism I'll ever need. He wants to make me whole - physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Love so amazing.

Good Gifts

On Thursday, I had to go to court for a silly ticket. I was so incredibly nervous. If you know me very well, then you probably aren't surprised that I was nervous. I get butterflies in my stomach when I go to a new restaurant. I really wanted to ask my dad to go with me, but I knew he would tell me that he had to work. I also thought the judge might think me a silly girl and when make me pay more for being ridiculous.

(Sidenote: I have different levels of stomach butterflies, for those of you who are interested. New restaurants are just butterflies, you know, just your average garden variety monarchs. Court dates are butterflies on steroids and possibly hallucinogenics. But, when I talk to that certain boy - and yes, maybe there is actually a 'certain boy' - they are like freaking pterodactyls.)

I thought that I was going to have to pay $110. This was a particularly tight week and I had already made a hair appointment. But, I knew if I did actually have to pay that ticket, I would have to cancel my hair appointment. I was bummed, but a girl's got to prioritize.

But, the judge actually reduced my fines from $110 to $65. And, yes, before I left the courtroom, he did manage to squeeze in a mini lecture, but it was deserved. The amazing thing is that I had figured the hair appointment at $45.

How great is our God?

Seriously. Why would the King of Kings care if I got my hair colored today? He cares because He knows it matters to me. As tiny and insignificant as it might be in the scheme of things, He knows that to me, it's kind of a big deal. So, He moved in the heart of a judge, and had my fines reduced. Even though, I deserved to pay the fines.

My hair looks fabulous. And, all the way home, I was absolutely overwhelmed with God's love. I just kept telling Him that I loved Him. And, then I realized that I am only capable of loving Him because He has loved me first. Well, that just made me love Him even more. My heart was so full.

And, then I got two pairs of shoes for seven dollars...total.

It blows my mind that God would care enough about me to see that I get the little things like cute shoes and hair appointments. I don't know why He does, but I am so glad He loves me. I don't why He thinks I'm worthy of these gifts, especially when He's already given me so much, but I'm sure glad He does.

Hug.

Remember that post I wrote yesterday about patience and the fiery trial? You read it, right? So did God. Whew. What a day! The kids were especially crazy and totally wore me out. I got paid today, but every penny already belongs to someone else. And, then Emily reads me a scripture that says something like not everyone is called to be a teacher because teachers are held to even stricter standards. Awesome. And, here I thought I was just barely squeaking by on the average standards.

But, then, Jesus came.

On the way home, I decided to take out my most favorite Christ Tomlin and listen to Matthew West. I heard this song and I cried the entire way home.

I'm the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can't even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I'm spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe againFeeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

I'm the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You're the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again

Okay, I highlighted a few of my favorite parts (notice that both entire verses are highlighted - you should see my textbooks). I feel like God gave Mr. West this song, knowing that someday, I would be driving home from work and would need a hug.

I'm the one with two left feet, standing alone, more broken than I ever want anyone to know. I'm the one who's made the giant mistakes (and a few little ones) and now has to pay the consequences for them. Sometimes, I do look at myself and wonder how I manage to make it to the end of the day. I know that soon, I'm going to hit the bottom like a ton of bricks.

But, He's just standing there, with His arms open wide, saying, 'It's fine. I think you're beautiful.'

I often imagine that God thinks of me like I think of my little kids. I love love love when they get hurt or scared and they come running to me. I just scoop them up and give them all the love I have. Even more, I love when they aren't scared or hurt and they just climb into my lap or give me a hug. I love them right back.

I'm seriously crying right now because I know that the love I give to these kids is nothing compared to the perfect love that Jesus has for me. And, I know that He can't wait until I climb into his lap or run to him when I'm scared.

So, I don't care that I don't have two pennies to rub together. I don't care that when I left work today, all my makeup was gone and my butt was wet cause I sat on the ground. I don't care that maybe I do mess up sometimes. Okay, I do care that I mess up. But, I know that God thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and I'm just going to breathe Him in for awhile.

Patience, etc.

Patience. I totally need some. But, you know what everyone says...if you pray for patience, you'll find yourself in a situation where you really REALLY need some. It will be a 'learn patience or die' trial. It will be a trial more fiery than any other fiery trial in the history of all mankind. (Fortunately, I've learned to embrace the fiery, but that doesn't mean that I want to invite them necessarily.)

There are two different kinds of patience: patience with people and patience for things. I have neither.

If you're under the age of five, then I've got all the compassion and patience in the world. But, any older than five, and you better just put on your big boy pants and deal with your stuff. I'm not going to listen to you whine and tattle. Just do what you need to do and deal with the consequences. It's called adulthood.

And, when it comes to the things I want out of life (i.e., husband and family, perfect job, etc.), I want it now. And, that is a fantastic atittude. In fact, I hope that if you're reading this blog, it's not the first time. Otherwise, I've just painted a really yucky picture of myself. Please, go back and read a few blogs where I sound Christlike and full of Christian love. I'm sure there must be a few somewhere in the archives.

So, today, I did a little walk through my concordance (note to self: read Romans) and came up with some serious stuff:

I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3

There is a whole list of things I just admitted to not doing. Humility? Oops. Gentleness? See paragraph above concerning 'big boy pants'. Patience? None to be found. I'm not even sure I want to tackle the last two. The real kicker is that Paul says I should walk in a manner 'worthy of the calling.'

I can never really be worthy of the calling God has chosen for me. I'm not even worthy of the most basic calling - that He has chosen me to be His daughter. I'll never do enough to be worthy of that calling. I, in myself, will never be worthy of that calling. But, God still calls me to walk worthy of that calling. I have a feeling I am only scratching the surface of this verse.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:9-12

The heading above this paragraph in my Bible is 'marks of a true Christian.' Ouch. Here I am thinking I'm sailing down the straight and narrow, maybe just running a little low on patience and bam! God hits me with these verses. It's like when I go to get my oil changed and they keep coming up to my window telling me what else needs to be replaced.

You know what I say? Bring on the fiery trial! (I almost want to go back and delete that before God has a chance to read it.) But, God, could you maybe hold my hand? I'm just a little girl. But, I'm a little girl who wants to do big things for You.

And, then there was manna...

My friend Sarah Beth wrote an amazing blog a couple of weeks ago, and it came to my mind today. I've been thinking about it ever since.

Just in case you are as lazy as I am, I'll summarize. Basically, God sent the Israelites manna because they grumbled. He did not send them manna because that was the provision He had originally intended. My guess is that He really had something better in mind, but because they couldn't wait for God's perfect plan, they got the manna.

I'm sure the manna was sufficient. I'm sure they were no longer hungry. (Well, actually that is untrue, because they grumbled some more and God sent quail. We'll just include the quail in with the manna.) And, maybe they never even missed God's original provision. It's possible that He was just trying to teach them a lesson in patience. But, it's also possible that He had a seven course meal waiting at the end of the trial.

When I hear that story, it sound awfully familiar. I know a grumbler. I know someone who thinks she deserves something that God hasn't given her yet. I know someone who could use a real lesson in patience. I know someone who is asking God to move now, regardless of His plan. And, I know someone who is going to end up with a Plan B husband if she doesn't shape up and learn a lesson from the Israelites.

Me.

God has a plan for me. We're gonna call it Plan A. It's incredible. I know it is. I know that He has my entire path mapped out, just waiting for me. I have no idea what's on the path. He may have a husband just waiting for me right around the corner. He's got my dream job already to go. He's got a ministry for me that's gonna change the world. His Plan A is so amazing, I can't even imagine it. He told me so.

He told me He knit me together in my mother's womb for a purpose. He told me that He has plans to prosper me and to give me a future and a hope. He's told me that He's going to give me the desires of my heart. He's told me that He will order my steps. He's told me that He will give me good gifts, better than I can even imagine, if I just ask Him.

And, yet, I grumble. I tell Him it's not good enough. I want my future now. I want to meet the man of my dreams now. I want to move out now. I want everything now. His perfect provision and timing is not enough for me. The last thing I want is a Plan B, or manna, husband. He'll give it to me because He is a good father and wants to take care of His children. But, then I'll have to face the consequences of my decision. I'll have to deal with my Plan B life.

"I want Plan A. I need Plan A. I don't want to take one step out of Your will, not even for a second. I know that the plans you have for me are more amazing than I could ever imagine (and I have a pretty active imagination). I know that You are a Father who wants to provide the best for His children. I know this. I believe what You said in the scriptures. I know You keep Your promises. But, Lord, help my unbelief. Forgive me for even doubting Your perfect plan. Forgive me for thinking that I could do things better. Strip me of my pride and selfishness. I want Plan A, whatever the price. Even if it means giving up some of those dreams I hold most dear, because I know that something even better waits for me."

Spiritual Warfare

I have never been one to buy into the whole spiritual warfare 'thing'. And, when I say 'whole,' I mean that I know that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. But, I suppose I am just too logical to agree that when I have a bad day it is because the devil is working against me. I just can't see letting him have that much credit. And, I think that this might have been to my detriment.

I have been reading a lot of Peretti and Dekker lately. And, while I realize the situations their characters find themselves in are entirely fictional, there is usually a very logical argument for the supernatural. Of course, I believe in the supernatural. But, I tend to think that posession and intense spiritual warfare against the devils and his lackey demons is something for those crazy new testament apostles.

But, some situations in my life couple with the books I've been reading lately are leading me to believe that my insistent downplay of the supernatural battle going on is actually causing some problems in my spiritual life. And, yesterday, some of those situations really seem to come to a head. And, then this morning, what does Pastor Will say in sunday school? He says that we have to remember that witchcraft is real, the devil is out to get us, and that we wrestle not against flesh and blood. He quotes the very scripture that has been running through my head for a week.

I have been going out onto the battlefield with only half my armor on, believing that if I didn't give the devil credit for the bullets they wouldn't hurt me. Instead, I should have been in the word, putting on that full armor of God and rebuking any and every hold Satan found in my life. And, trust me, he has found some.

Fortunately, I serve an amazing God. The very mention of His son's name makes those demons tremble. The Light lives in me and any darkness cannot exist where there is Light. So, as painful as it is, it is time for me to turn that Light inward and start finding those holds that Satan has in my life. And, I need to start believing in the power of my prayers because besides the Word of God, those are the most powerful weapons I have.

Testimony

I mentioned in my last post that there were two things that struck me about II Timothy. The first was that amazing scripture (which, by the way, the phrase 'complete patience' has been running through my head since I read it...can you say 'conviction?') and the second is Paul.

Paul tells Timothy not to be ashamed of his testimony in Jesus Christ. He reminds him that God has saved us and called us, not because of anything we have done, but because He has His own purpose for us. What Paul is not saying is that we have been called in spite of anything we have done.

I stumbled upon this video this morning. I wept. Please watch it.



Occasionally, I am guilty of thinking that my testimony isn't as powerful as someone else's. I haven't been addicted to drugs. I've never battled any kind of disease. My parents are not only still alive, but they're still happily married. I haven't done anything exceptionally bad. I've never even drank alcohol and I'm still a virgin. What could I possibly have to share?

What struck me about this video is that not all of the testimonies are drug addiction or cancer battling huge. Some of them are just ordinary 'sideline Christian' or 'anger controlling me' bad. But, when they flip over those signs and reveal how God has healed their individual brokenness, their testimony is no less amazing.

My God is in the business of restoration and redemption. And, the truth is, we all need it. And, when I say that my testimony isn't that amazing, I am saying that I didn't need God as much as someone else did. But, I did. Because I am arrogant. I'm a liar. I've made plenty of poor choices. And, chief among those poor choices, was to choose to do things on my own.

But, Jesus came down and restored me. He picked up all my broken pieces and breathed new life into them. And, that is a testimony of which I should not be ashamed. And, here is the really beautiful part. After God restored me, after He worked the beauty of redemption, He called me to a holy calling. He made a deposit in my life, as Paul calls it. And, Paul says, 'I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what He has entrusted to me.' God has restored me. He has called me. He has made an investment in my life. And, some day, He is expecting a return on that investment. He is expecting that I will be able to carry out His plans.

Me.

Broken, arrogant, fickle, dishonest, mean, vain, and human.

He trusts me to carry out His plans and make good on His investment in my life.

Redemption is amazing. And, I have a pretty awesome testimony. I am not ashamed.

Job Description

I know...two blogs in one day. But, I process things better when I write.

I was reading II Timothy today and I stumbled upon two very important things. Two things that I really needed to hear.

I found my job description. First, let me give you a little background information. For those of you who don't know what I do, I teach preschool. This may come as a shock to some of you. It certainly came as a shock to me. I love my job. I think I'm pretty good at my job. But, don't for one second think that it's all sunshine and butterflies. Don't think it's all finger painting and play- doh. It's hard. There is some serious mental, and occasionally physical, strain involved. But, as I've shared with you before, all it takes is one little hand grabbing for yours and then, none of the other stuff matters.

Recently, Emily and I were talking about how we are more than teachers. That these classrooms are our congregations. That, in effect, we are pastors. And, we are responsible for the spiritual well-being of each of these little ones in our care. That's a giant responsibility and I admit that I find it daunting.

I have said before that my only job is to love these children. And, I still believe that is what I am called to do. But, there is more than just hugs and kisses when you are the shepherd of sixteen crazy little sheep.

'Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.' II Timothy 4:2

Was Paul a preschool teacher? Seriously, this verse so completely sums up my entire responsibility as a teacher (minus the love part, but Paul wasn't very mushy). First and foremost, I have to preach the word to these kids. And, considering the fact that they are one and two years old, I believe that means I have to preach the Word with my life. I have to be ready for anything. Any question, any situation, and trust me, you would not even be able to dream up the things these kids do. And, I do have to, occasionally, reprove, rebuke, and exhort, but here's the kicker, I have to do it with complete patience. And, I have to turn that rebuke into a 'teachable moment.' Oops. You expected complete patience? Oh.

I absolutely love my job. Every day, I am blessed. I am blessed by the kids and I am blessed to get to work with these amazing women every single day. I am blessed to work in an environment where a relationship with Jesus is expected and encouraged. Yesterday, while the kids were napping, I was playing worship music, and I spent some time talking with Jesus. He visited me at work. What an amazing privilege!

I recognize that I have an enormous responsibility. And, I love that God recognizes that I have an enormous responsibility. I love that He believes these little lives are just as important as mine, or any other adults, for that matter. Sure, they can't get their pee pee in the potty yet. Maybe they don't color in the lines or use nice hands, but He loves them so much. He has such amazing plans for them. And, I am so grateful that He has allowed me to be a part of those plans.

Paul tells Timothy, 'Continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom (this is plural, according to my little footnotes) you have learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.' II Timothy 3:14, 15

Timothy has had many teachers throughout his life and all of them have contributed to his beliefs, which ultimately led to his salvation. I cannot tell you what a privilege and blessing it is have the chance to contribute in the lives of these children. I am overwhelmed by both the awesomeness of the blessing and the hugeness of the responsibility. But, I firmly believe that God has put me here for a reason, and I am confident that He is able to fulfill His purpose in me. And, that's incredibly amazing too!

(I know I said there were two things. And, there is something else, but you'll have to wait until later. I think I've done enough blogging for one night...)

Quiet Time

So, a couple of days ago, I wrote a blog about how I'm struggling at working in my quiet time. Not because I don't have the time. I mean, I've got a lot to do, for sure, but I'm only working one job now. And, you would not believe how weird it is to have free time now.

I tried getting up early for a couple of days. Yeah, I read my Bible and I talked to God some, but I got absolutely nothing out of it. I couldn't tell you what I read and most of what I said to God was incoherent. I was definitely not giving God my best. And, strangely enough, I was a little crankier. I think because I got up earlier, but also because I knew how unfruitful and pointless that fifteen minutes I gave to God was.

But, I always feel guilty. I feel like I've always been told that you should give your early morning moments to God. You should start the day off by spending time with Him. Why would He want those moments when I can give Him some time in the afternoon and the both of us will get so much more out of it?

It is true that if I just try to work it in sometime during the day, it often gets skipped. So, I think I'm just going to make it a part of my night time routine, instead of my morning routine.

Maybe this is silly. Maybe God doesn't care when I talk to Him, when I read His words, when I set aside time for Him, just as long as I do it. I'm still very conflicted though. I feel like every good Christian gives God their mornings. They sacrifice their sleep, drag themselves out of bed, and watch the sunrise with the Lord.

That is just not how it happens for me. I rolled out of bed, got mad cause both bathrooms were full and I really had to pee, discovered that no one left any coffee for me (I usually just wait until work, but if I have to get up early...), stumbled through a couple chapters of I Timothy, said a quick prayer, and carried on with my day.

That is not how I want my time with Jesus to go. So, maybe this makes me a bad Christian, but I'm having my date with Jesus at night. Don't think too poorly of me.

Oh, the shame...

I actually started to write a blog this afternoon about how my life has been much more hectic lately. Just as I was about to type the words, 'I've been having trouble finding time for quiet time,' I realized that I could be using that time much more productively. So, I did. I went outside and read my Bible.

But, this week has been really crazy and I am ashamed to say that I did not crack open my Bible one time. I was sick. There were lay-offs. A new director was hired. I've been stressed out because of the lay-offs and what that means for my classroom. And, on top of all that, I'm still dealing with a lot of the same stuff I mentioned in the last blog.

And, today, while I was reading I Timothy, God spoke to me. He said, 'I know you had a hectic week. I know you were sick and stressed out and even a little scared. It would have been nice to hear it from you. And, I really would have like to help.'

Duh.

Seriously. How many times is it going to take for me to learn this lesson? How many times do I have to fall? Today, I really needed to vent. I just needed to get some stuff off of my chest. No one was answering their phone. I started to get frustrated and then, I realized that I should be taking this to God. I am frustrated with myself. When is that going to be my first instinct?

I'm at the point in my life where I have to make to do lists and schedules. I actually have to schedule time to sit down and pay my bills. And, now, I'm going to start scheduling time to sit down, read my Bible and spend some time with Jesus. (No, it won't be first thing in the morning. Maybe I'll blog about that another day.) I kind of hate that I have to schedule that in, to be honest. But, better to schedule it than it never happen at all.

Will I ever get to the point where my first instinct is to go to Jesus? I want that so bad. I hate that prayer is a last resort. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed that I went an entire week without some serious God time. Yes, I whispered a few prayers here and there. I'm still pumping out the praise music in my car. But, not once did I read my Bible or dedicate specific time to talk, and listen, to God. That's disgusting.

I bet last week would have gone so much better if I had...

Ouch.

Today, I have run the entire spectrum of emotions. I'm pretty sure that God is trying to teach me some lessons. Lessons that I probably desperately need. And, I'm a learner. In my opinion, that's what makes me such a great teacher. However, these are some tough lessons to learn. Especially considering that I'm not entirely sure what He is trying to teach me.

I know this: that every trial I encounter, He is with me, working on me to make me a better version of who I am. I know that these trials could be painful. I know that these lessons may bring a little chastisement with them. And, I know when it's all over, I'll be a better, stonger person. I'll look a little more like my Jesus.

But, holy crap, this is hard. I know that God is working to humble me and that is absolutely no fun. But, I think, especially today, He is showing me that He is really all I need. He is saying, I am your portion. And, I don't mean in the daily bread sense. I mean in the emotional fulfillment sense. Today, I believe that God was telling me that until I realize He is all I need, He can't give me the desires of my heart.

Let's be honest. I could be completely wrong. God could be telling me that I need to stay away from the color purple or something. But, I think I'm pretty close here. These words are hard to hear. It's hard to know that all of this time, I have been waiting on God, thinking He was just taking His time, when really, He has been waiting on me to get my act together. It's so easy to blame God, or even just circumstances, but to take the blame myself...that's rough.

Reveal Your heart to me.

There is a line in a Third Day song that says, 'Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me.'

I love that line. I always have. I'm a word person. I like pretty phrasing, especially when it's sung. That's why I love to read Paul's letters. He has a way with words (at least, when he isn't getting all technical). I was reading in First Corinthians today and he refers to the 'mysteries' of salvation and of Christ.

So, today, when I was listening to this song today, it suddenly struck me that how brazen that line of that song is. How dare we ask the Maker of the universe to reveal His heart to us? How day we ask Him to make his mysteries known? Are we allowed to pray for that? I hope so.

Adam got to walk with the God in the cool of the day. How amazing and humbling that must have been. I often make my own human, measly attempt to share my heart with the Lord. Can you imagine if He shared His right back? Again, I find myself in tears. Can you imagine if God, Master of the universe, considered me His confidant? What if God wanted to walk in the cool of the day with me, telling me about His day while I told Him about mine?

The crazy thing is that He totally does. He really does want me to be His friend. He wants to confide in me. He wants to reveal His heart to me. I find it strange that the thought actually humbles me. If the Man who owns the cattle on a thousand hills wanted to be your personal friend, wouldn't that make you the opposite of humble? But, it doesn't. Knowing that God desires to share His heart with me makes me cry. It makes me realize how tiny and insignificant I am. I see how blessed I am that He loves me and wants to share with me in spite of my disgusting human nature.

But, I also have to wonder, can I even handle the mysteries of Christ? Can I, with my pathetic human understanding, even begin to conceive the revelation of God's heart? I have this image of God telling me some great mystery and my brain exploding from the exertion. If God even shared an ounce of what must be in His heart, the compassion and understanding and wisdom and love, there is no way I could ever be the same. There is no way I could ever recover.

'Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me. Show me the mysteries of You. I'm scared and weak, but I want to know You. I want to be your confidant. I want to walk with you in the cool of the day. I am humbled that I am even allowed to approach You with this request. You are the Maker of the universe. You put the stars in their place and know them each by name. You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Alpha and Omega. You are the God of Abraham, of Issac, of Daniel and David. And, You have told me, ingsignificant, broken, disgusting little me, that I can boldly approach Your throne. And, today, I ask You to reveal Your heart to me. I want to be Your friend.'

Born Again

This will be a short post because I have to open in the morning. But, I have to share this before I literally explode. And, because of that, this may not be the most eloquent or profound. I just need to share my heart, just for a minute.

I have been listening to Third Day's Revelation non stop for the last two or three days. And, today, I have listened to the song 'Born Again' about three hundred times. I can't even post the most relevant lyrics because the entire song is amazing. I feel like they opened my heart and wrote down what they saw. So, listen to the song. If you don't have access to it, I will burn it for you.

More than once, I have broken down during this song (one time I was doing the dishes and I felt especially silly).

I really do feel born again. I can't remember what my life was like before my lastest connection with God. And, it's not like I ever fell away or abandoned God. I don't know what happened, but something did. And, now I can't remember what life was like before that something. I can't remember what it was like to not wake up and want to talk to Him. I can't remember what it was like before I was consumed with a love for Him. I can't remember what life was like before I saw my brokenness, before I saw Him heal me. I don't want to remember.

But, with all that amazing-ness, I am terrified. I have asked God countless times to make a promise that this will never end. I have asked Him to promise me that life with Him will always be just like this. And, He has shown me His love over and over and reassured me that He is never going anywhere. And, He has held me. I could never put into words what that feels like. All I know is that in His embrace, I find everything thing I have ever needed. I find that reassurance, courage, strength, and shelter.

And, I feel like, with His love, I am living for the first time. Every breath feels brand new. Every day is pregnant with promise. Every moment feels purposeful. I can see Him in the small things. There are moments that seem completely insignificant - driving down the road, drying my hair, or playing with the kids - when something makes me think of Him and I feel Him. I live for those moments.

I am completely in love with my Savior.

And, He has made me brand new. And, for the very first time, I am living.

Holy Meetcute, Batman!

Today's will not be a profound post. It will not be a post where I discover some deep spiritual truth (I don't think so, but often, I just stumble upon things mid-blog.). Hold on to your knickers, cause I'm freaking out.

Because that's what I do.

I freak out. I flip out. I get myself all worked into a nervous tizzy. I obsess. And, oh yes, I cyberstalk. I know...shameful.

Why?

It's always the same. It's always for a boy. When am I going to learn that this is something that I have got to put in God's hands? He is the only one who is capable of finding the right man for me. And, let me tell you...it's a task.

Because I freak out and flip out and work myself into a nervous tizzy. I'm always right. I'm smarter than you. I'm overly confident. I think I'm fat. I know I'm awesome. I obsess about everything. And, I'm a complete crazy person. Only God could find someone who would want to deal with all that for the rest of their lives.

Whenever I think I've spotted a potential, I throw myself into it completely. When am I going to learn to put on the brakes and give God the wheel? This is His job. And, I imagine, as I often do, that it's a job He takes rather seriously. I'm hoping that He has someone for me. The perfect someone. The ultimate someone. Why can't I just get out of His way?

He's God, for pete's sake (I wonder if this Pete is single...)! If He has someone for me, I should be confident that He has the power to orchestrate the meetcute.

I am absolutely ridiculous.

Daniel: My Hero

So, I'm reading Daniel today. It's one of my favorite books of the Bible. It has the most awesome stories (Daniel and the Lion's Den, Shadrach and company, etc.). But, really, it's about four boys who refused to conform. They were teenagers, really, when they were brought into Babylon. And, because they had the wisdom to seek God and stand up for what they believed in, they immediately found favor with Nebuchadnezzar.

First, they are brought in with a group of young men who have no blemish. They are housed in the king's house, fed the king's food, and have all the amenities of palace life. All but four of them, anyway. Daniel refused to defile himself with the king's food, so he makes a deal with the guy in charge. He says, 'Just bring me and my friends vegetables and water and if we don't look better than the rest of them in ten days, then we'll eat your food.' (I'm paraphrasing a little.) So, in ten days, they are undefiled and looking better than everyone else. So much better, in fact, that the head eunich and the king could not find anyone better than our four boys.

Nebuchadnezzar has a dream. He find this dream so troubling that he is losing sleep over it. So, he calls all of his 'wise' men to give an interpretation. (Wise men includes actual smart men, but also magicians, sorcerors and astrologers.) Here, I have to give King Neb his dues. He is no idiot. He knows that these magicians and astrologers are going to lie to him and tell him whatever they think he wants to hear so that they will find favor. So, he tells them, 'First, you have to tell me my dream. Then, give me the interpretation. If you can't do it, I'll chop you into a million tiny pieces.' Clearly, these so called 'wise' men are not so wise, because they tell the king that no one can do that. So, the king says, 'kill them all.'

They seek out David to kill him, but he asks the soldier for an audience with the king that he may try to interpret the dream. Once the king okays it, he runs to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and asks them to pray for him. In the end, Daniel is able to give the king the dream and the interpretation, find favor with the king, get a superawesome job for himself and his friends, and through the whole thing, Daniel is giving glory to God. And, he's giving glory to God right in the king's face too.

Then, and this is my favorite, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refuse to bow down before the statue. They tell the king, 'You can throw us in the furnace, but we will not bow down. We know that our God will deliver us out of the fiery furnace. And, if he doesn't, know that we will never worship your golden image.' So, they are thrown in the furnace and they are delivered. You know the story. And, King Nebuchadnezzar says, 'there is no other God who can deliver like this.'

And, that is only half the book. What I love the most about this book is the courage of these four boys. They were ripped out of their country, away from their home, told to worship false gods and eat strange foods. But, they didn't. They stood up for what they believed in. They begged God for wisdom in some situations. And, in the end, because they did what they knew was right, they found favor from a man who had no respect for their customs or religion. Even King Nebuchadnezzar had to recognize that there was something different about these boys.

They were living IN the world. But, somehow they managed to not be OF the world. When people all around them were pandering to the king, worshipping golden images and false gods, and following every crazy decree, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego made the hard choice. They knew that at any turn, they could lose favor and die. It could literally cost them their lives to follow God. But, they begged for wisdom and deliverance and carried on. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out of that fiery furnace, they didn't even smell like fire. Let me say that one more time, THEY DIDN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE FIRE.

Literally, I want to do a happy dance right now. I want to walk in a way that glorifies Him. I want to say to the king, 'I can do this because my God is awesome.' I want to do the hard thing, knowing that God will deliver me, but have the peace to know that if He chooses not to, I will still be in a better place. I want people to look at me and say, 'She doesn't even have the scent of the world on her.' How can anyone read the book of Daniel and not be encouraged? How can you not want to do a happy dance? People, we can do this! We can walk in a world of false gods, political corruption, and dirtiness. Not only can we walk, we can walk with God, glorifying Him. Sure, occasionally, we might need to beg for wisdom. But, in the end, we won't even smell like the world. Seriously, I just have to say that one more time, WE WILL NOT EVEN SMELL LIKE THE WORLD.

'God, wash the scent of this world away from me. Give me the courage to walk in Your light everyday. Give me the strength to stand up for you, even in the face of the king. Throw me in that fiery trial, but hold my hand. Give me the wisdom to deal with those trials. Give me the wisdom of Daniel and Shadrach and Meshach and Abednego. And, continue to wash the scent of the world off of me. Make me pure, holy, and acceptable to you. And, help me stay that way.'

Broken Parts

So, I told you yesterday about how I was completely dissatisfied listening to the radio, right? Well, I burned a fantastic cd, but then forgot to put it in my car. I couldn't handling listening to one more song on the radio, so I popped in Ingrid Michaelson's 'Be Ok'. The title track includes these lyrics:

'Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts'

I am a gallery of broken parts. I've had my hart bruised, my ego trampled on, my self esteem ripped in half. We all have. We all come with baggage whether we like to admit it or not. There are parts of me that are ugly and broken. I don't want anyone to see these parts. I don't want anyone to open me up and see the gallery of mistakes and disappointments and hurts that have brought me to this place. And, even if those parts have healed, there is still scarring, horrible dark scars.

But, Ingrid, I'm not beyond repair. I know a man who can heal my broken parts so completely and absolutely that there won't be any scarring. I know a man who has opened me up, walked through my gallery of broken parts and saw something beautiful. He saw something worth repairing.

Even as I write this, I weep. I am overwhelmed. I know my broken parts. I know what He saw when He opened me up. I know what He took from me. And, I know what He gave me in return. And, it's not just like He took those broken parts and threw them in some nasty storage closet. No, He took them into Himself, walked up to that cross and died with those broken parts. He did all of that so that I, vile, wretched, broken sinner that I am, could be made whole.

Again, I find myself saying, 'Who am I? Who am I that you could do this for me? What could You have possibly seen in me that would have made all of this worth it? What beauty is there in my broken parts?' But, I know that any beauty anyone may see is His doing. Any good that can be found in this broken flesh is Him. I am beautiful only because He loves me. I am whole because He loves me. I am able to love because He loves me.

I have come to worship...

I had a really crazy morning. I left for work early today, so that I could stop and get gas. I turned on the radio and then realized that all I really wanted to do was sing to Jesus. So, I switched off the radio and made some joyful noises of my own. I was so into worship, that I completely passed every single gas station from home to work. I ended up passing work and going to a gas station on Hall rd and then, being late for work. Oh well, it was a great car ride.



I think I really could sing of His love forever. How amazing would that be? I think that will be what Heaven is like. We will be worshiping in our own special ways, just loving Jesus for the rest of eternity, with no obstacles or distractions. That sounds like a blast. I'm totally in.



(Sidenote: During Rachel Getting Married, at the reception, everyone is dancing and a lady says, 'this is what heaven is like, just like this.' This particular part is on the tape of previews at BB. Every time it comes on, I groan inwardly. Hate it...)



Sometimes, I get concerned that my walk with God is just a ruse, a ruse so good that even I don't know. I'm afraid that I'm just doing lipservice so well that even I don't know the difference. What if all of this is just temporary? What if tomorrow something happens and I fall away again? Or, worse, what if nothing happens and I just don't feel so close to Him anymore? But, then, I worship. I just let all of my insecurities fall away. I let go of all of everything that happened to me that day and just think on God. In those moments, I know. I know that He is real and this is real. I live for those moments all day long. I crave those moments. I crave Him.

Love and Trust

Lately, I have been really surprised at how 'present' God seems to be in my life. A lot of times, I feel as though He is right there with me, spearking into my heart. For example, this morning I woke up crabby because someone was in the bathroom when I needed to be in the bathroom. Immediately, a song popped into my head:

'I want a say a prayer
Before my feet can hit the ground.
Lord, I give this day to you.'

While maybe that was God chastising me a bit, I appreciated it, embraced it even.

On the way to church this morning, we saw a sign for a house for $29,000. Dad said he'd give it to me if he had it. I said, 'Well, all things are possible with Him. Maybe we'll find it.' What did Will speak about in sunday school? He discussed how the impossible can be possible through God. And, sometimes, when I'm driving in my car or working on homework or drying my hair, I'll just be quiet for a minute, and I'll feel Him.

I am in constant awe that He would take so much time to be so near to someone as sinful and fickle as me. I am humbled that the King of Kings would care so much about one little struggling soul. I am absolutely in love because He has loved me first. I know that His Joy actually will be my strength. I am surprised at how I hunger to be in His presence for even just a minute. Somedays, I actually do live on prayer. I don't remember how I lived my life without this, but I don't want to go back. I don't want to live a day without the His tangible presence.

However, I do have one issue. I feel as though God is asking me to trust Him completely with my finances. I have always worked hard, paid my bills, and I've done it on my own. But, I think God is calling me to reset my priorities, and I think part of this would be to quit Blockbuster. Part of me really, REALLY wants to quit. But, the other part of me knows how much I need the money and the security. But, the truth is, the second job is cutting into my time significantly. I don't have the time to spend with God. I don't always get to go to church. I'm not always my best because I'm exhausted constantly. I want to trust Him completely in all areas of my life.

I am also concerned that one day I may not feel God so closely. In fact, I know that there will be seasons in my life when I won't feel like this. But, I feel like a newlywed. I am so absolutely in love with my Savior and I don't ever want it to change. So, I feel that cutting some of my man-made security is one of those sacrifices that will make this relationship all the better. I have to learn to depend on God for my daily bread, for my everything. This so scary.

Today, I ask, 'God, I believe. But, help my unbelief. I want to trust you, but I am scared. So, please, take you daughter's hand. Lead me. Walk with me. And, please, catch me when I fall, because I will. Clothe me as you clothe the birds. Be my provider.'

Show me how to love.

So, a few things have happened in my life recently that have caused me to question where exactly God’s path is leading me. This is especially true in my professional life. Some crazy things happened at work yesterday that left me feeling uncertain. It seems every time I think that I’m finally getting things under control, something comes out of left field. So, as I sat in my car, praying that God would give me some sort of peace or direction, this song popped into my head:

“Show me how to love
In the true meaning of the word.
Teach me to sacrifice,
Expecting nothing in return.
I want to give my life away,
Becoming more like you,
Each and every day.
My words are not enough.
Show me how to love.”

At first, I thought, “that’s weird. I haven’t thought about that song in ages.” Then I carried on with my praying. But, then I found I couldn’t stop singing it. It was stuck in my head the rest of the night. Then, it finally dawns on me that God is trying to tell me something.

This morning, I’m reading my Bible and decide to read the book of Ruth because the pastor was speaking about it on Sunday and my interest was peaked. Holy crap! Ruth was the example of that song. She chose to sacrifice her happiness completely and love Naomi, even if that meant leaving her home, her family, and her Gods. She followed Naomi to Bethlehem and was completely obedient. And, what did she get for all her trouble? A love story for the ages. She found complete fulfillment through her love of Naomi.

Now, I don’t think God was telling me that He has a love story for the ages waiting for me, but I’m hoping He’s got something up his sleeve. I think He’s telling me to rewrite my job description. It is no longer my job to teach or to discipline. It is not my job to gossip or socialize. It is my job to love those kids to the best of my ablility, through Him. And, maybe that means I might have to sacrifice that lead teacher position. But, in return, I will find fulfillment in Him, becoming more like Him every day. And, I think that’s a fair trade off. And, besides, these kids, they are not hard to love.

And, this time, I am left with only one question, “Who am I? Who am I that you would bless me so uniquely and so especially? Who am I that you would spend even one minute of your time with me?”

A Restlessness

I quit jobs when I don’t love them anymore. I know. It’s not a great way to get your bills paid, but I always seem to manage. I just don’t see the point of working for the sake of working. There should be something besides the paycheck that keeps you going into work every day. Either you love it, or the experience will pay off, or there’s that supercute guy in accounting, but there has to be something more than just the money.

I love working at the preschool. At least, I used to. Lately, it’s been a real struggle for me to muster any kind of enthusiasm for my job. Usually, once I get to work and I’m with the kids, I feel better, but not always. I used to really believe that God had brought me there for a reason. But, lately, I’ve been question that more and more. However, I am super blessed to work at a Christian organization with some really amazing women. So, I had a talk with my assistant director and these are some of the conclusions that I came to…

I think that God has called me to more than just diaper changes and meal times. Parents are entrusting me with their child. They are asking me to love them when they can’t be there. But, more importantly, they are asking me to minister to their children. I forgot. I forgot about all of those amazing opportunities I have to share the love of Christ with these fantastic little people.

I also forgot that it is not just my job to teach, it is my responsibility to learn. How many times in the Bible does God refer to a childlike faith? I get to experience that kind of faith every single day. I get to see the purity and innocence of a child and benefit from it. If I choose to pay attention, I can learn so much about the nature of our God and what my relationship with Him should be, and also about myself. How quickly do I lose patience when a child won’t ‘listen’ to me? How many times have I not ‘listened’ to God and has He ever lost patience?

Lastly, my assistant director termed my condition as a ‘restlessness’. And, that perhaps I’m placing all of the blame on work, when really, this restlessness could be coming from a lack of focus in my life, in general. Maybe this restlessness is growing pains. I have definitely noticed some serious positive growth in my life lately. But, because my actual life hasn’t changed that much, I think I’m starting to grow beyond the realm of my life, as it is now. I’m restless, maybe, because I can sense something big is coming in my life. Or, because I know that God is calling me to something greater and I know that I have to answer that call, however scary it may be.

So, it seems that once again, I have said, ‘God, why aren’t you moving? Why aren’t you giving me the desires of my heart? Why have you forgotten about me?’ And, God answers, in that still small voice of His, ‘Silly Constance, if only you knew the plans I have for you. If only you knew that I knit you together in your mother’s womb for a distinct purpose. If only you knew just how much I love you…If only you listened…’

Heartbeat

I just realized that the majority of my blogs are written late at night when I don't want to go to sleep...

I've been getting discouraged a lot lately. I know that I always complain about being twenty-five and still living in my parent's house and working two part time jobs. But, most of the time, even as I say this, I believe that God has a plan for me. Most of the time, I don't mind waiting. I've had some really amazing experiences in the time I've been 'waiting' for His ultimate plan. I remember during a class in college, we were talking about the concept of 'calling.' I believe that we are not called to a single station in life, but to a path. He has ordered our steps. He has built us a road to follow. And, while we may not know the final destination, he has little stops along the way, designed to teach us lessons and skills and things we need to know about ourselves, so the next stop will be even better.

In all of my knowing, I forget. I forget that God loves me. I forget that His desire is for me to know joy. I forget that He knit me together in my mother's womb. I forget that He called me by name. I forget that He longs to know me, to be with me, to love me and to be loved by me. I forget that He has a plan.

While I am forgetting, I am discouraged and frustrated. I am angry and upset. Sometimes, I yell at Him. Sometimes, I wonder if He is even listening. And, then I remember. I see a little glimmer of that joy that could be. Sometimes, it comes in a little way, like a little hand grabbing for mine. Sometimes, it's a word from a friend. And, sometimes, like today, it was a gentle tugging, a pulling, even. He was saying, 'I remember. I haven't forgotten.'

I know that I have shared with you before that I believe that God has a special name for each of us that only He knows. So, you know I'm given to certain fantasies. I have a special one about heartbeats. I've heard people say, 'his heart beats with mine' and whatnot. I have the thought that God can hear our heartbeats. That he can hear our desires and hopes and dreams, through the very beat of our hearts. Maybe it's silly, but today, I think God sang along with mine.

"Close your eyes and open your mind."

A couple of situations that have occured recently in my life, or in the lives of my friends (I know...let me vague it up a little more, right?), have prompted me to think a lot about being open-minded. I know that there are some Christians who believe having an open mind is a danger. But, it has always been my goal to be as open-minded as possible. But, are there limits on how open-minded I can be as a Christian?

God's love has no limits. He is no respector of persons. He loves me as much as He loves anyone else. He has called me to love like Him, as impossible as that is. God doesn't make judgements on a person based on what He sees on the outside. Granted, He does have the luxury of knowing what's going on under our carefully created facades. We are all His children, whether we accept that title or not.He has not only called us to love like Him, but to be His representative on this earth. He sent Jesus to be His representative as well, and He was the only one who could do the job perfectly. Jesus ate with publicans and sinners. He told Zaccheus that he would be visiting in his home. He hung out with Mary Magdalene. He did all these things, even as the pharisees were talking behind his back, plotting to have Him killed. He knew He would die, and still He loved.

Last week, I was subbing in the half-day preschool room. There are quite a few children in that class who's first language is not English. It is a really diverse classroom. One day, several of the kids were late, and the one little boy who was in there was concerned that he might be the only little boy that day. When another little boy came in, I said, look you aren't alone any more. The little boy who came in was one of the ESL'ers. And, the first little boy replied, "But, we don't match." I know he's three and didn't really mean anything by it, but it absolutely broke my heart.

One of my friends is currently in a situation (about which I must be very vague) where a Christian family is acting in a way that I don't think is very Christ-like. I wish I could tell you all of the details, but suffice to say that they are clearly being close-minded and jeopardizing the happiness of one very special little boy. And, not only are they standing in the way of a little boy's future, but they are tarnishing the witness that any Christian might have had in that situation.

I suppose I've said all that to say, that to me, having an open mind translates to being respectful of those around you who may be different. And, even beyond respect, as a Christian, God has called me to show His perfect love to those around Him. I am to be the physical representation of His love, the vessel through which He does his work. How can I do that if I avoid people with significant differences in faith, sexual orientation, lifestyle, or even just physical appearance? I want people to see me and see Jesus. I want people to see the Jesus in me and want a part of it. I don't want anyone to ever feel like they can't be their self around me because I'm a Christian.