Let's just say I'm quirky...

I freak out. It's just what I do. I obsess and overanalyze. I obsess over the tiniest little details. I replay situations and conversations in my head over and over and over again. I think about what I could have said or done differently. I try to plan for every possible scenario.

I'm a control freak. I really need to be in control of every situation. I don't like going into new restuarants or stores because I know that someone else is going to be in control of the situation. I suck at relationships, especially those between boys and girls, because I can't always be in control and I have trouble coping with that realization.

Years of training in counseling has taught me some coping mechanisms. Some of them are crazy and some of them are obvious. I hum Indiana Jones before walking into unfamiliar territory to remind myself that adventure is good and so is stepping out of my comfort zone. I take deep breaths before reacting to change so I can think through my reaction. I write. I keep my mind busy so I won't obsess and overanalyze.

Here's the thing: I know you're all really impressed that I'm so functional. I know its fantastic that I can use these coping mechanisms to work through my 'issues.' Considering how painfully shy I was in high school, a therapist would most likely consider this progess.

But, God doesn't.

He doesn't want me to rely on my little therapuetic 'tricks' to get myself through tough situations. He doesn't want me to plot and plan and replan. He doesn't want me to do things my own way, which because I'm a control freak, I tend to do.

He just wants me to trust Him. He wants me to come to Him when I'm freaking out and pour out my heart. He wants to hear my fears and dreams and hopes. And, this is beyond me, but I think He wants to hear my overanalyzations.

He wants me to give Him the control. And, really, that should be the only coping mechanism I'll ever need. He wants to make me whole - physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Love so amazing.

Good Gifts

On Thursday, I had to go to court for a silly ticket. I was so incredibly nervous. If you know me very well, then you probably aren't surprised that I was nervous. I get butterflies in my stomach when I go to a new restaurant. I really wanted to ask my dad to go with me, but I knew he would tell me that he had to work. I also thought the judge might think me a silly girl and when make me pay more for being ridiculous.

(Sidenote: I have different levels of stomach butterflies, for those of you who are interested. New restaurants are just butterflies, you know, just your average garden variety monarchs. Court dates are butterflies on steroids and possibly hallucinogenics. But, when I talk to that certain boy - and yes, maybe there is actually a 'certain boy' - they are like freaking pterodactyls.)

I thought that I was going to have to pay $110. This was a particularly tight week and I had already made a hair appointment. But, I knew if I did actually have to pay that ticket, I would have to cancel my hair appointment. I was bummed, but a girl's got to prioritize.

But, the judge actually reduced my fines from $110 to $65. And, yes, before I left the courtroom, he did manage to squeeze in a mini lecture, but it was deserved. The amazing thing is that I had figured the hair appointment at $45.

How great is our God?

Seriously. Why would the King of Kings care if I got my hair colored today? He cares because He knows it matters to me. As tiny and insignificant as it might be in the scheme of things, He knows that to me, it's kind of a big deal. So, He moved in the heart of a judge, and had my fines reduced. Even though, I deserved to pay the fines.

My hair looks fabulous. And, all the way home, I was absolutely overwhelmed with God's love. I just kept telling Him that I loved Him. And, then I realized that I am only capable of loving Him because He has loved me first. Well, that just made me love Him even more. My heart was so full.

And, then I got two pairs of shoes for seven dollars...total.

It blows my mind that God would care enough about me to see that I get the little things like cute shoes and hair appointments. I don't know why He does, but I am so glad He loves me. I don't why He thinks I'm worthy of these gifts, especially when He's already given me so much, but I'm sure glad He does.

Hug.

Remember that post I wrote yesterday about patience and the fiery trial? You read it, right? So did God. Whew. What a day! The kids were especially crazy and totally wore me out. I got paid today, but every penny already belongs to someone else. And, then Emily reads me a scripture that says something like not everyone is called to be a teacher because teachers are held to even stricter standards. Awesome. And, here I thought I was just barely squeaking by on the average standards.

But, then, Jesus came.

On the way home, I decided to take out my most favorite Christ Tomlin and listen to Matthew West. I heard this song and I cried the entire way home.

I'm the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can't even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I'm spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe againFeeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

I'm the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You're the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again

Okay, I highlighted a few of my favorite parts (notice that both entire verses are highlighted - you should see my textbooks). I feel like God gave Mr. West this song, knowing that someday, I would be driving home from work and would need a hug.

I'm the one with two left feet, standing alone, more broken than I ever want anyone to know. I'm the one who's made the giant mistakes (and a few little ones) and now has to pay the consequences for them. Sometimes, I do look at myself and wonder how I manage to make it to the end of the day. I know that soon, I'm going to hit the bottom like a ton of bricks.

But, He's just standing there, with His arms open wide, saying, 'It's fine. I think you're beautiful.'

I often imagine that God thinks of me like I think of my little kids. I love love love when they get hurt or scared and they come running to me. I just scoop them up and give them all the love I have. Even more, I love when they aren't scared or hurt and they just climb into my lap or give me a hug. I love them right back.

I'm seriously crying right now because I know that the love I give to these kids is nothing compared to the perfect love that Jesus has for me. And, I know that He can't wait until I climb into his lap or run to him when I'm scared.

So, I don't care that I don't have two pennies to rub together. I don't care that when I left work today, all my makeup was gone and my butt was wet cause I sat on the ground. I don't care that maybe I do mess up sometimes. Okay, I do care that I mess up. But, I know that God thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and I'm just going to breathe Him in for awhile.

Patience, etc.

Patience. I totally need some. But, you know what everyone says...if you pray for patience, you'll find yourself in a situation where you really REALLY need some. It will be a 'learn patience or die' trial. It will be a trial more fiery than any other fiery trial in the history of all mankind. (Fortunately, I've learned to embrace the fiery, but that doesn't mean that I want to invite them necessarily.)

There are two different kinds of patience: patience with people and patience for things. I have neither.

If you're under the age of five, then I've got all the compassion and patience in the world. But, any older than five, and you better just put on your big boy pants and deal with your stuff. I'm not going to listen to you whine and tattle. Just do what you need to do and deal with the consequences. It's called adulthood.

And, when it comes to the things I want out of life (i.e., husband and family, perfect job, etc.), I want it now. And, that is a fantastic atittude. In fact, I hope that if you're reading this blog, it's not the first time. Otherwise, I've just painted a really yucky picture of myself. Please, go back and read a few blogs where I sound Christlike and full of Christian love. I'm sure there must be a few somewhere in the archives.

So, today, I did a little walk through my concordance (note to self: read Romans) and came up with some serious stuff:

I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3

There is a whole list of things I just admitted to not doing. Humility? Oops. Gentleness? See paragraph above concerning 'big boy pants'. Patience? None to be found. I'm not even sure I want to tackle the last two. The real kicker is that Paul says I should walk in a manner 'worthy of the calling.'

I can never really be worthy of the calling God has chosen for me. I'm not even worthy of the most basic calling - that He has chosen me to be His daughter. I'll never do enough to be worthy of that calling. I, in myself, will never be worthy of that calling. But, God still calls me to walk worthy of that calling. I have a feeling I am only scratching the surface of this verse.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:9-12

The heading above this paragraph in my Bible is 'marks of a true Christian.' Ouch. Here I am thinking I'm sailing down the straight and narrow, maybe just running a little low on patience and bam! God hits me with these verses. It's like when I go to get my oil changed and they keep coming up to my window telling me what else needs to be replaced.

You know what I say? Bring on the fiery trial! (I almost want to go back and delete that before God has a chance to read it.) But, God, could you maybe hold my hand? I'm just a little girl. But, I'm a little girl who wants to do big things for You.

And, then there was manna...

My friend Sarah Beth wrote an amazing blog a couple of weeks ago, and it came to my mind today. I've been thinking about it ever since.

Just in case you are as lazy as I am, I'll summarize. Basically, God sent the Israelites manna because they grumbled. He did not send them manna because that was the provision He had originally intended. My guess is that He really had something better in mind, but because they couldn't wait for God's perfect plan, they got the manna.

I'm sure the manna was sufficient. I'm sure they were no longer hungry. (Well, actually that is untrue, because they grumbled some more and God sent quail. We'll just include the quail in with the manna.) And, maybe they never even missed God's original provision. It's possible that He was just trying to teach them a lesson in patience. But, it's also possible that He had a seven course meal waiting at the end of the trial.

When I hear that story, it sound awfully familiar. I know a grumbler. I know someone who thinks she deserves something that God hasn't given her yet. I know someone who could use a real lesson in patience. I know someone who is asking God to move now, regardless of His plan. And, I know someone who is going to end up with a Plan B husband if she doesn't shape up and learn a lesson from the Israelites.

Me.

God has a plan for me. We're gonna call it Plan A. It's incredible. I know it is. I know that He has my entire path mapped out, just waiting for me. I have no idea what's on the path. He may have a husband just waiting for me right around the corner. He's got my dream job already to go. He's got a ministry for me that's gonna change the world. His Plan A is so amazing, I can't even imagine it. He told me so.

He told me He knit me together in my mother's womb for a purpose. He told me that He has plans to prosper me and to give me a future and a hope. He's told me that He's going to give me the desires of my heart. He's told me that He will order my steps. He's told me that He will give me good gifts, better than I can even imagine, if I just ask Him.

And, yet, I grumble. I tell Him it's not good enough. I want my future now. I want to meet the man of my dreams now. I want to move out now. I want everything now. His perfect provision and timing is not enough for me. The last thing I want is a Plan B, or manna, husband. He'll give it to me because He is a good father and wants to take care of His children. But, then I'll have to face the consequences of my decision. I'll have to deal with my Plan B life.

"I want Plan A. I need Plan A. I don't want to take one step out of Your will, not even for a second. I know that the plans you have for me are more amazing than I could ever imagine (and I have a pretty active imagination). I know that You are a Father who wants to provide the best for His children. I know this. I believe what You said in the scriptures. I know You keep Your promises. But, Lord, help my unbelief. Forgive me for even doubting Your perfect plan. Forgive me for thinking that I could do things better. Strip me of my pride and selfishness. I want Plan A, whatever the price. Even if it means giving up some of those dreams I hold most dear, because I know that something even better waits for me."

Spiritual Warfare

I have never been one to buy into the whole spiritual warfare 'thing'. And, when I say 'whole,' I mean that I know that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. But, I suppose I am just too logical to agree that when I have a bad day it is because the devil is working against me. I just can't see letting him have that much credit. And, I think that this might have been to my detriment.

I have been reading a lot of Peretti and Dekker lately. And, while I realize the situations their characters find themselves in are entirely fictional, there is usually a very logical argument for the supernatural. Of course, I believe in the supernatural. But, I tend to think that posession and intense spiritual warfare against the devils and his lackey demons is something for those crazy new testament apostles.

But, some situations in my life couple with the books I've been reading lately are leading me to believe that my insistent downplay of the supernatural battle going on is actually causing some problems in my spiritual life. And, yesterday, some of those situations really seem to come to a head. And, then this morning, what does Pastor Will say in sunday school? He says that we have to remember that witchcraft is real, the devil is out to get us, and that we wrestle not against flesh and blood. He quotes the very scripture that has been running through my head for a week.

I have been going out onto the battlefield with only half my armor on, believing that if I didn't give the devil credit for the bullets they wouldn't hurt me. Instead, I should have been in the word, putting on that full armor of God and rebuking any and every hold Satan found in my life. And, trust me, he has found some.

Fortunately, I serve an amazing God. The very mention of His son's name makes those demons tremble. The Light lives in me and any darkness cannot exist where there is Light. So, as painful as it is, it is time for me to turn that Light inward and start finding those holds that Satan has in my life. And, I need to start believing in the power of my prayers because besides the Word of God, those are the most powerful weapons I have.