Run with Endurance

I feel like its been ages since I've posted. And, that's not for lack of things to post. God has done so much in my life since I last blogged that I don't even know where to begin.

My job situation changed. It wasn't what I wanted, but I think it was right. But, in the process of trying to be obedient, I battled a lot of other unwelcome emotions: jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, anger. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make it. I thought I found some peace, and then I would cry on my way home from work. I would start to get excited and then, the bitterness would seep in. I literally cried for a week. Then, I was journaling/praying because they happen simultaneously for me. And, I realized I needed to ask for forgiveness. Imediately. So, I made the necessary phone call, my hands were shaking as I did it. But, as soon as I said those words, a weight lifted off my shoulders.

This verse was my salvation:

'Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely and run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and protector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is now sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.' Hebrews 12:1

This verse immediately follows the 'Faith Hall of Fame' in Hebrews 11. So, this great cloud of witnesses is Abraham and Issac, Noah and Gideon, and so on. We are surrounded by the stories of men who made it. They lived on faith and received their promises. So, now, it's my turn to lay aside the weights and sins that slow me down and run. I have been given all the tools that these men were given. They were only men. But, they were men who chose to run with endurance. Were they scared? Sure. I'm postive that Abraham was shaking in his boots when he walked his son up to that altar. Did they have their doubts? Absolutely. You don't think Noah didn't wake up every day thinking, 'am I as crazy as everyone thinks I am?' You bet he did. Were they worried that they wouldn't be able to do what God had called them to do? Definitely. Moses told God that he was no speaker, and God said, 'I know. Carry on.'

But, they ran. They ran with endurance. They looked to God and only to God. And, now its my turn to run. God has set a race before me and He has given me the tools necessary to run the next leg. I just need to take his hand and run like the wind.

I'm still overwhelmed. I still have my doubts that I'm going to be able to do this. I'm still unsure of His plan for me. But, I'm running.

Win, Lose, or Sing

I had a weird day, but in the end, it was a good day. Nothing that happened today was what I thought was going to happen when I went to bed last night. And, it was probably all for the better. God provided what I needed.

But, I am still stressed and frustrated. I feel like I don't have anything in my win column right now. Job? Lose. Romance? Lose. Finances? Lose. Stability? Lose. I'm sure right now you're probably thinking of a few more things to throw into that lose column. And, I almost feel like the very fact that I am sorting my life into win and lose columns also belongs in the lose column.

On the way home from work, I was getting tired of the radio, so I put in Ingrid Michelson. And, just so you know, I cranked it up and sang at the top of my lungs. And, yes the hummer next to me at the stop light did crank up his rap, but I sang my little heart out anyway. The first song, the title track:

I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today

I just want to feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

I just want to know today, know today
I just want to know something today

I was thinking, I can do that. Those are attainable goals. I'm okay today. I made it to the end of the today in one piece. I felt a lot of amazing things today. I had a lot of feelings today, good and bad, but I felt them. And, I knew something today. I knew that God provided. I felt His love. And, in the end, that's what made me okay today.

Will I be okay tomorrow? I have no idea. But, God's gonna be with me. Will I feel Him? Sometimes, I don't. Will I know its Him? I'm usually pretty dumb about those kinds of things. But, I'm okay today. I felt today. I knew today.

Put that in the win column.

Hide me.

I had a rough week. All day on Friday, I found myself praying. I was begging God to show me in some small way that He was still there. I needed to know that He was still in control, that He still cared enough to order my steps. I needed to Him to hold me. I prayed on the way to work. I prayed during nap while I was putting the kids down. I prayed all the way home.

And, then I went to church.

I've learned not to expect much from church. I know. Bad attitude.

God spoke to me. He literally spoke directly to me. He said, 'I am still your God. I am still on the throne. I am still in control. And, I will hide you in the cleft of the rock.' He said those words through someone else, but I knew they were for me.

Even now as I tell you this, I'm crying. I cannot believe that He took the time to answer my prayer personally. Especially with all my unbelief and doubting and bad attitude. Who am I that He is mindful of me?

Are things still up in the air in every area of my life? Yes. I'm still not sure about my job situation. I'm still single. I still live in my parent's house. I still don't always know how I'm going to pay my bills. (And, I might be embarking on a church search, as well. But, I'll save that for another blog.)

But, I know that He's on the throne. And, that He's going to hide me in the cleft of that rock. So, while the storm rages on outside, He's in control. Nothing can happen that He's not ready for, that He hasn't already seen. And, that God that sits on the throne, in control of the universe, calls me friend. I have no idea why He wants to be my friend, but I'm just going to rest in that for awhile.