Heartbeat

I just realized that the majority of my blogs are written late at night when I don't want to go to sleep...

I've been getting discouraged a lot lately. I know that I always complain about being twenty-five and still living in my parent's house and working two part time jobs. But, most of the time, even as I say this, I believe that God has a plan for me. Most of the time, I don't mind waiting. I've had some really amazing experiences in the time I've been 'waiting' for His ultimate plan. I remember during a class in college, we were talking about the concept of 'calling.' I believe that we are not called to a single station in life, but to a path. He has ordered our steps. He has built us a road to follow. And, while we may not know the final destination, he has little stops along the way, designed to teach us lessons and skills and things we need to know about ourselves, so the next stop will be even better.

In all of my knowing, I forget. I forget that God loves me. I forget that His desire is for me to know joy. I forget that He knit me together in my mother's womb. I forget that He called me by name. I forget that He longs to know me, to be with me, to love me and to be loved by me. I forget that He has a plan.

While I am forgetting, I am discouraged and frustrated. I am angry and upset. Sometimes, I yell at Him. Sometimes, I wonder if He is even listening. And, then I remember. I see a little glimmer of that joy that could be. Sometimes, it comes in a little way, like a little hand grabbing for mine. Sometimes, it's a word from a friend. And, sometimes, like today, it was a gentle tugging, a pulling, even. He was saying, 'I remember. I haven't forgotten.'

I know that I have shared with you before that I believe that God has a special name for each of us that only He knows. So, you know I'm given to certain fantasies. I have a special one about heartbeats. I've heard people say, 'his heart beats with mine' and whatnot. I have the thought that God can hear our heartbeats. That he can hear our desires and hopes and dreams, through the very beat of our hearts. Maybe it's silly, but today, I think God sang along with mine.