"When you are a kid you have your own language, and unlike French of Spanish or whatever you start learning in fourth grade, this one you're born with, and eventually lose. Everyone under the age of seven is fluent in 'ifspeak'; go hang around with someone under three feet tall and you'll see. What if a giant funnelweb spider crawled out of that hole over your head and bit you on the neck? What if the only antidote for venom was locked up in a vault on the top of a mountain? What if you lived through the bite, but could only move your eyelids and blink the alphabet? It doesn't really matter how far you go; the point is that it's a world of possibility. Kids think with their brains cracked wide open; becoming an adult, I've decided, is only a slow sewing shut."
Lately, I have found myself thinking with my brain cracked wide open. I don't know why, but I've been playing this massive game of what if. What if I hadn't gone to Tyndale those first two years? What if I hadn't dated he who must not be named? What if I hadn't stumbled upon anthropology in my senior year? What if I hadn't met the people I met and did the things I did? Would I still be here now?
I've even found myself asking the tiniest what if's. Like, what if I had taken that class at a different time or joined that club or talked to that boy? Would that have changed the course of my life at all?
Not that I want to change the course of my life. I don't think I do, but I'm definitely curious. I think I would like to make a time machine. I want to go back and make those what if decisions and see what happens. But, in the end, I don't want anything changed. I just want to know how my life would be different. I don't even want the choice, I just want the knowledge.
Sometimes, while I'm at work, or on the way to work, or anytime I'm bored at all, I play what if. Sometimes it's deep, and sometimes I just wonder what would happen if all the sudden my car took flight. I think it's good exercise for my creative mind. I doubt my imagination needs much exercise though.
What can I say? I'm curious like a cat. That's why my friends call me whiskers.
About Me
- Constance
- I'm not the girl riding in the convertible with her shiny hair flowing behind her, with a scarf in her upraised hand. I'm the girl driving the saturn with the windows rolled down, hair blowing all over the place, singing at the top of her lungs, wondering what she did with her cell phone. I'll never be the girl that you see on the street and think, 'who is she wearing?' I am the girl who you'll see on the street and think, 'is she talking to herself?' I don't have a glamorous job, but I love my job. I don't have a fabulous apartment, but the room in my parent's house is decorated pretty well. I don't know any famous people, but I have some amazing friends who should be famous. I'm awesome. And, I'm single. I'm just trying to make the most out of what God has given me. He's given me a lot, just not what I thought I would be given.
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