Let’s first acknowledge that I have problems. Okay. Wanna hear about three of them?
Lately, God has been dealing with me on three separate issues: trust, insecurity, and leadership.
I think trust is a hard one for any of us. I’d rather trust in my ability to work hard than to trust God to pay my bills. I’d rather trust my own creative talents than to allow God control of my classroom. But, I think God would call that disobedience. No, I know he would call that disobedience.
I started going to a new church that I love. As soon as the service is over, I RUN out the door. Why? I have no idea. I was calling it awkward. God called it insecurity. Then, He told me that by His stripes, I am healed. Which is absolutely awesome, and absolutely painful.
I’ve been thinking about leadership for awhile. I’ve been telling my kids that as Christians, we need to be leaders. We talk about leaders every day in the classroom. I point out kids who are being great leaders. I decided it was time I take my own advice. Also a tough pill to swallow. God is constantly showing me things that I should be doing, but more often, He’s showing me things that I should not be doing.
I was hoping that as I started writing this blog, I might find some catharsis in it. But, all I really found was the amount of work that I need to do before I can be considered Christ-like. I am so broken and human.
But, fortunately, God takes those broken pieces every single time and puts them back together and turns them into something so amazing. In me, in this jar of clay, I have the treasure of the knowledge of the Glory of God in the face of Christ (II Corinthians 4). I have the capacity to be Christ-like because he made me in His image. He knows I’m broken. He doesn’t care. He gave me His everything and all He wants in return is those broken pieces.
That’s beautiful.
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Monday, May 9, 2011
And, he dipped and he dipped and he dipped...
This week’s Bible story for the kiddo’s is Naaman. While I’m telling the story today, I realize I can’t remember if its Elijah or Elisha (cause who can, really?). So, I look it up. This is how I imagined this whole thing to go in my head:
Messenger (in bored, can’t believe this is my job voice…actually, similar to the one I use at the blockbuster): If you want to be healed of your leprosy, Elisha says you must wash yourself seven times in the Jordan river.
Naaman: WHAT!!!!??? Does he not know who I am? He is supposed to come out here, call down God, wave his hand over me and heal me! Now he wants me, ME, to wash in the nasty Jordan river SEVEN times! There are better rivers! Can’t I just wash in them!
(Then the ESV actually says he ‘turns away in a rage’.)
Servant: Ummm….did he really say wash and be healed? Wash and be healed, man!
I was struck by the simplicity of Elisha’s request and the level of Naaman’s rage. Wash. He told him to wash. And, Naaman, commander of the army of the King of Syria could not be bothered to dip in the Jordan river. That is, until, a humble servant pointed out his silliness.
Sometimes, I really do just open my Bible and read wherever it opens. Today, it fell open in James. Holy Moses! It is blowing my mind! I already read it twice today. But, James 5 caught my attention in particular, just because it so ties in with Naaman’s story. The chapter talks about how the rich have stored up their gold and silver, but these things have corroded. Their garments are moth eaten and their riches have rotted. Naaman had status and wealth. He had high favor because of all the victories he had won. But, Naaman was a leper. He was going to die. And, all of the status and wealth and favor were rotting, and still he couldn’t bring himself to dip in the Jordan River seven times. He was offended because he thought that his status and wealth and favor had earned him a personal audience with the prophet, where he would simply wave his hand over him and his leprosy would be gone.
As I’m reading this, I’m thinking ‘what arrogance! Get a little dirty and healed you crazy!’ How many times I have let myself believe that I didn’t have to obey? Because it wasn’t about the water, it was about obedience. I’ve let myself believe that because I have 27 years of church in me, I can skip a few weeks. Or, because my job is a ministry, I don’t have to be involved in a home church. Or, a little gossip can’t touch me, or a little lie won’t hurt anyone, or a little lapse in reading my Bible won’t hurt since I’ve got so much of it memorized. What arrogance! And, what disobedience!
What rotting wealth have I been clinging to? What vestige of status or moth eaten garments have I been hiding behind? James 5:3 says that this ‘corrosion will eat your flesh like fire.’ And then in verse 5, that these wealthy have fattened their hearts in a day of slaughter. Just like Naaman, I need to wash myself clean of this corrosion before I literally die from it. It is time to recognize that I am storing up this false wealth in a time when I should be humbling myself before God in a way that I never have before. My flesh has become fat, while my spirit cries out for slaughter. I just can’t ignore those cries anymore.
Slaughter sounds pretty painful though. I wonder if God will let me dip in a river instead?
Messenger (in bored, can’t believe this is my job voice…actually, similar to the one I use at the blockbuster): If you want to be healed of your leprosy, Elisha says you must wash yourself seven times in the Jordan river.
Naaman: WHAT!!!!??? Does he not know who I am? He is supposed to come out here, call down God, wave his hand over me and heal me! Now he wants me, ME, to wash in the nasty Jordan river SEVEN times! There are better rivers! Can’t I just wash in them!
(Then the ESV actually says he ‘turns away in a rage’.)
Servant: Ummm….did he really say wash and be healed? Wash and be healed, man!
I was struck by the simplicity of Elisha’s request and the level of Naaman’s rage. Wash. He told him to wash. And, Naaman, commander of the army of the King of Syria could not be bothered to dip in the Jordan river. That is, until, a humble servant pointed out his silliness.
Sometimes, I really do just open my Bible and read wherever it opens. Today, it fell open in James. Holy Moses! It is blowing my mind! I already read it twice today. But, James 5 caught my attention in particular, just because it so ties in with Naaman’s story. The chapter talks about how the rich have stored up their gold and silver, but these things have corroded. Their garments are moth eaten and their riches have rotted. Naaman had status and wealth. He had high favor because of all the victories he had won. But, Naaman was a leper. He was going to die. And, all of the status and wealth and favor were rotting, and still he couldn’t bring himself to dip in the Jordan River seven times. He was offended because he thought that his status and wealth and favor had earned him a personal audience with the prophet, where he would simply wave his hand over him and his leprosy would be gone.
As I’m reading this, I’m thinking ‘what arrogance! Get a little dirty and healed you crazy!’ How many times I have let myself believe that I didn’t have to obey? Because it wasn’t about the water, it was about obedience. I’ve let myself believe that because I have 27 years of church in me, I can skip a few weeks. Or, because my job is a ministry, I don’t have to be involved in a home church. Or, a little gossip can’t touch me, or a little lie won’t hurt anyone, or a little lapse in reading my Bible won’t hurt since I’ve got so much of it memorized. What arrogance! And, what disobedience!
What rotting wealth have I been clinging to? What vestige of status or moth eaten garments have I been hiding behind? James 5:3 says that this ‘corrosion will eat your flesh like fire.’ And then in verse 5, that these wealthy have fattened their hearts in a day of slaughter. Just like Naaman, I need to wash myself clean of this corrosion before I literally die from it. It is time to recognize that I am storing up this false wealth in a time when I should be humbling myself before God in a way that I never have before. My flesh has become fat, while my spirit cries out for slaughter. I just can’t ignore those cries anymore.
Slaughter sounds pretty painful though. I wonder if God will let me dip in a river instead?
Friday, May 6, 2011
Conviction in Quadruplicate
Let’s take a minute to celebrate my return to blogging. Is that crickets I hear? Whatever. You know you need my wisdom.
I’ve returned because I want to share what God has been doing in my life in the past week. It seemed like a big jumbly mess, but today, it seemed to come together. So, let me see if I can put it together for you.
I’ve embarked on the Great Church Search. I’ve been at it for a while now, mostly via the internet (cause I’m a socially awkward chicken. Back off!). I google churches in the area, look at their websites, listen to their podcasts. I have a strange checklist that must be completed before I’ll actually visit a church (no saint in the name, etc.). It has not been fun and I have not enjoyed it at all. I think finding a husband at a monastery would be an easier task. (And, let’s face it. I’ve looked everywhere else for him.)
Anyway, I’ve said all that to say this: In my search, I stumbled across this church. I was listening to a sermon on the podcast about putting new wine in old wine skins. I’ve heard the passage before. Jesus says He can’t put new wine in old wine skins or new fabric on old pants (I paraphrased a bit). I’ve been begging God for a change, a new work, refreshment, revival, whatever you want to call it. But, as I’m doing the dishes, listening to this man I’ve never met, I finally got it. God can’t put my new work into my old self. He can’t revive or refresh this old wine skin. But, he does want to give me a brand new pair of pants. But, just like when you buy a new pair of jeans, there’s going to be a breaking in process. It isn’t going to be fun. I’m not going to love it. But, He’s got a new work for me, if I’ll just step out of my old self. He’s been asking me to grow up. He’s been asking me for some time, I think.
I’ve been spring cleaning. I hate cleaning. And, because its just me, I have a tendency to let things build up. Mountains of laundry needing to be put away, closets begging to be organized, and carpets in desperate need of a good vacuuming and it all happened this week. I don’t know what spurred on the cleaning, but I’ve been doing it. And, doing it with a happy heart.
We’re covering obedience this month at school. So, every time I ask the kids to do something, I’ve just been using the word ‘obey’ and underlining the rules (i.e., ‘thank you so much for obeying me by putting away those toys.’). I don’t know if its helping them any, but it sure has had an impact on me. I’ve been blown away by the number of times I say ‘obey’ in one day and also, by the number of times I find myself NOT obeying.
Then, this morning, I had a fantastic dream. I’m not going into details, but it was such a simple dream. But, I’m telling you right now, I literally felt the embrace of God. I woke up without a doubt in my mind. And, I can remember details of the dreams vividly, but the only phrase I can remember is ‘see all the trouble I went to for you?’
Boom. Conviction.
See all the trouble He went to for me?
I stumbled upon the perfect podcast. He gave me my own parable (cleaning my apartment like I should be cleaning my heart). He taught me a lesson about obedience that I’m sure I’ll never stop learning. Then, he wrapped it all up with a hug.
I didn’t deserve one bit of it. Not one.
See all the trouble I went to for you?
I’ve returned because I want to share what God has been doing in my life in the past week. It seemed like a big jumbly mess, but today, it seemed to come together. So, let me see if I can put it together for you.
I’ve embarked on the Great Church Search. I’ve been at it for a while now, mostly via the internet (cause I’m a socially awkward chicken. Back off!). I google churches in the area, look at their websites, listen to their podcasts. I have a strange checklist that must be completed before I’ll actually visit a church (no saint in the name, etc.). It has not been fun and I have not enjoyed it at all. I think finding a husband at a monastery would be an easier task. (And, let’s face it. I’ve looked everywhere else for him.)
Anyway, I’ve said all that to say this: In my search, I stumbled across this church. I was listening to a sermon on the podcast about putting new wine in old wine skins. I’ve heard the passage before. Jesus says He can’t put new wine in old wine skins or new fabric on old pants (I paraphrased a bit). I’ve been begging God for a change, a new work, refreshment, revival, whatever you want to call it. But, as I’m doing the dishes, listening to this man I’ve never met, I finally got it. God can’t put my new work into my old self. He can’t revive or refresh this old wine skin. But, he does want to give me a brand new pair of pants. But, just like when you buy a new pair of jeans, there’s going to be a breaking in process. It isn’t going to be fun. I’m not going to love it. But, He’s got a new work for me, if I’ll just step out of my old self. He’s been asking me to grow up. He’s been asking me for some time, I think.
I’ve been spring cleaning. I hate cleaning. And, because its just me, I have a tendency to let things build up. Mountains of laundry needing to be put away, closets begging to be organized, and carpets in desperate need of a good vacuuming and it all happened this week. I don’t know what spurred on the cleaning, but I’ve been doing it. And, doing it with a happy heart.
We’re covering obedience this month at school. So, every time I ask the kids to do something, I’ve just been using the word ‘obey’ and underlining the rules (i.e., ‘thank you so much for obeying me by putting away those toys.’). I don’t know if its helping them any, but it sure has had an impact on me. I’ve been blown away by the number of times I say ‘obey’ in one day and also, by the number of times I find myself NOT obeying.
Then, this morning, I had a fantastic dream. I’m not going into details, but it was such a simple dream. But, I’m telling you right now, I literally felt the embrace of God. I woke up without a doubt in my mind. And, I can remember details of the dreams vividly, but the only phrase I can remember is ‘see all the trouble I went to for you?’
Boom. Conviction.
See all the trouble He went to for me?
I stumbled upon the perfect podcast. He gave me my own parable (cleaning my apartment like I should be cleaning my heart). He taught me a lesson about obedience that I’m sure I’ll never stop learning. Then, he wrapped it all up with a hug.
I didn’t deserve one bit of it. Not one.
See all the trouble I went to for you?
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Excuse me, but I think your humanity is showing.
Can we have bad self esteem days like we have bad hair days? What would you call it? A pity party? A crap day? What if it last longer than a day?
I feel like I am the most terrible teacher, the worst kind of sister, a horrible daughter, and a selfish friend.
And, worst of all, I feel like I am the most awful Christian.
I feel like everything I touch turns to crap. And, the more I search for someone or something to blame, the more I find that it is all my fault. And, the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. And, I think therein lies my problem.
I keep trying to fix everything.
I have control issues, I know. And, I think lately, God has been asking me to let go of them. I've been fighting. Now, I'm just tired...and over emotional. And, all of these emotions are ugly. They are jealousy and selfishness, self doubt and pride, bitterness and maybe even a little bit of hatred.
Surely, this isn't what God wanted for my life. He didn't want me fighting for control and turning into one ugly mess with a life that is quickly spinning out of control.
Lately, I've just felt like if I can get one minute on solid ground, I'll be able to put all of this together. And, today, I realized that He's the solid ground I need. He's the one who can put me back together. He's the one who can take all of this ugliness and turn it into something beautiful. But, before He can do that, I have to relinquish control. I have to give him my entire life to work in...the whole thing.
So much easier said than done.
With all my knowing, how can I be so stupid as to think I can do a better job than He could? I think it's just my humanity showing. And, it's ugly. And, it's horrible. And, it's disgusting. Why can't I just let Him take it and make it into what He wants to? Guaranteed, it will be prettier than anything I could come up with...
I feel like I am the most terrible teacher, the worst kind of sister, a horrible daughter, and a selfish friend.
And, worst of all, I feel like I am the most awful Christian.
I feel like everything I touch turns to crap. And, the more I search for someone or something to blame, the more I find that it is all my fault. And, the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. And, I think therein lies my problem.
I keep trying to fix everything.
I have control issues, I know. And, I think lately, God has been asking me to let go of them. I've been fighting. Now, I'm just tired...and over emotional. And, all of these emotions are ugly. They are jealousy and selfishness, self doubt and pride, bitterness and maybe even a little bit of hatred.
Surely, this isn't what God wanted for my life. He didn't want me fighting for control and turning into one ugly mess with a life that is quickly spinning out of control.
Lately, I've just felt like if I can get one minute on solid ground, I'll be able to put all of this together. And, today, I realized that He's the solid ground I need. He's the one who can put me back together. He's the one who can take all of this ugliness and turn it into something beautiful. But, before He can do that, I have to relinquish control. I have to give him my entire life to work in...the whole thing.
So much easier said than done.
With all my knowing, how can I be so stupid as to think I can do a better job than He could? I think it's just my humanity showing. And, it's ugly. And, it's horrible. And, it's disgusting. Why can't I just let Him take it and make it into what He wants to? Guaranteed, it will be prettier than anything I could come up with...
Thursday, September 17, 2009
I wish I had more time to blog. I wish I had more time to do a lot of things. In fact, I have a lot of things to say...but, for once, I'm not sure I have the words.
But, here is a picture that needs no words:
She's beautiful already.
(Okay, we don't know if she's a girl for sure, but this aunt is feeling a niece.)
But, here is a picture that needs no words:
She's beautiful already.
(Okay, we don't know if she's a girl for sure, but this aunt is feeling a niece.)
Monday, September 14, 2009
A Great Friend...
I don't even have the words to express...
But, my sister's pain is at least twice mine...
But, my sister's pain is at least twice mine...
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Run with Endurance
I feel like its been ages since I've posted. And, that's not for lack of things to post. God has done so much in my life since I last blogged that I don't even know where to begin.
My job situation changed. It wasn't what I wanted, but I think it was right. But, in the process of trying to be obedient, I battled a lot of other unwelcome emotions: jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, anger. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make it. I thought I found some peace, and then I would cry on my way home from work. I would start to get excited and then, the bitterness would seep in. I literally cried for a week. Then, I was journaling/praying because they happen simultaneously for me. And, I realized I needed to ask for forgiveness. Imediately. So, I made the necessary phone call, my hands were shaking as I did it. But, as soon as I said those words, a weight lifted off my shoulders.
This verse was my salvation:
'Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely and run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and protector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is now sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.' Hebrews 12:1
This verse immediately follows the 'Faith Hall of Fame' in Hebrews 11. So, this great cloud of witnesses is Abraham and Issac, Noah and Gideon, and so on. We are surrounded by the stories of men who made it. They lived on faith and received their promises. So, now, it's my turn to lay aside the weights and sins that slow me down and run. I have been given all the tools that these men were given. They were only men. But, they were men who chose to run with endurance. Were they scared? Sure. I'm postive that Abraham was shaking in his boots when he walked his son up to that altar. Did they have their doubts? Absolutely. You don't think Noah didn't wake up every day thinking, 'am I as crazy as everyone thinks I am?' You bet he did. Were they worried that they wouldn't be able to do what God had called them to do? Definitely. Moses told God that he was no speaker, and God said, 'I know. Carry on.'
But, they ran. They ran with endurance. They looked to God and only to God. And, now its my turn to run. God has set a race before me and He has given me the tools necessary to run the next leg. I just need to take his hand and run like the wind.
I'm still overwhelmed. I still have my doubts that I'm going to be able to do this. I'm still unsure of His plan for me. But, I'm running.
My job situation changed. It wasn't what I wanted, but I think it was right. But, in the process of trying to be obedient, I battled a lot of other unwelcome emotions: jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, anger. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make it. I thought I found some peace, and then I would cry on my way home from work. I would start to get excited and then, the bitterness would seep in. I literally cried for a week. Then, I was journaling/praying because they happen simultaneously for me. And, I realized I needed to ask for forgiveness. Imediately. So, I made the necessary phone call, my hands were shaking as I did it. But, as soon as I said those words, a weight lifted off my shoulders.
This verse was my salvation:
'Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely and run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and protector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is now sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.' Hebrews 12:1
This verse immediately follows the 'Faith Hall of Fame' in Hebrews 11. So, this great cloud of witnesses is Abraham and Issac, Noah and Gideon, and so on. We are surrounded by the stories of men who made it. They lived on faith and received their promises. So, now, it's my turn to lay aside the weights and sins that slow me down and run. I have been given all the tools that these men were given. They were only men. But, they were men who chose to run with endurance. Were they scared? Sure. I'm postive that Abraham was shaking in his boots when he walked his son up to that altar. Did they have their doubts? Absolutely. You don't think Noah didn't wake up every day thinking, 'am I as crazy as everyone thinks I am?' You bet he did. Were they worried that they wouldn't be able to do what God had called them to do? Definitely. Moses told God that he was no speaker, and God said, 'I know. Carry on.'
But, they ran. They ran with endurance. They looked to God and only to God. And, now its my turn to run. God has set a race before me and He has given me the tools necessary to run the next leg. I just need to take his hand and run like the wind.
I'm still overwhelmed. I still have my doubts that I'm going to be able to do this. I'm still unsure of His plan for me. But, I'm running.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Win, Lose, or Sing
I had a weird day, but in the end, it was a good day. Nothing that happened today was what I thought was going to happen when I went to bed last night. And, it was probably all for the better. God provided what I needed.
But, I am still stressed and frustrated. I feel like I don't have anything in my win column right now. Job? Lose. Romance? Lose. Finances? Lose. Stability? Lose. I'm sure right now you're probably thinking of a few more things to throw into that lose column. And, I almost feel like the very fact that I am sorting my life into win and lose columns also belongs in the lose column.
On the way home from work, I was getting tired of the radio, so I put in Ingrid Michelson. And, just so you know, I cranked it up and sang at the top of my lungs. And, yes the hummer next to me at the stop light did crank up his rap, but I sang my little heart out anyway. The first song, the title track:
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I was thinking, I can do that. Those are attainable goals. I'm okay today. I made it to the end of the today in one piece. I felt a lot of amazing things today. I had a lot of feelings today, good and bad, but I felt them. And, I knew something today. I knew that God provided. I felt His love. And, in the end, that's what made me okay today.
Will I be okay tomorrow? I have no idea. But, God's gonna be with me. Will I feel Him? Sometimes, I don't. Will I know its Him? I'm usually pretty dumb about those kinds of things. But, I'm okay today. I felt today. I knew today.
Put that in the win column.
But, I am still stressed and frustrated. I feel like I don't have anything in my win column right now. Job? Lose. Romance? Lose. Finances? Lose. Stability? Lose. I'm sure right now you're probably thinking of a few more things to throw into that lose column. And, I almost feel like the very fact that I am sorting my life into win and lose columns also belongs in the lose column.
On the way home from work, I was getting tired of the radio, so I put in Ingrid Michelson. And, just so you know, I cranked it up and sang at the top of my lungs. And, yes the hummer next to me at the stop light did crank up his rap, but I sang my little heart out anyway. The first song, the title track:
I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to know today, know today
I just want to know something today
I was thinking, I can do that. Those are attainable goals. I'm okay today. I made it to the end of the today in one piece. I felt a lot of amazing things today. I had a lot of feelings today, good and bad, but I felt them. And, I knew something today. I knew that God provided. I felt His love. And, in the end, that's what made me okay today.
Will I be okay tomorrow? I have no idea. But, God's gonna be with me. Will I feel Him? Sometimes, I don't. Will I know its Him? I'm usually pretty dumb about those kinds of things. But, I'm okay today. I felt today. I knew today.
Put that in the win column.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Hide me.
I had a rough week. All day on Friday, I found myself praying. I was begging God to show me in some small way that He was still there. I needed to know that He was still in control, that He still cared enough to order my steps. I needed to Him to hold me. I prayed on the way to work. I prayed during nap while I was putting the kids down. I prayed all the way home.
And, then I went to church.
I've learned not to expect much from church. I know. Bad attitude.
God spoke to me. He literally spoke directly to me. He said, 'I am still your God. I am still on the throne. I am still in control. And, I will hide you in the cleft of the rock.' He said those words through someone else, but I knew they were for me.
Even now as I tell you this, I'm crying. I cannot believe that He took the time to answer my prayer personally. Especially with all my unbelief and doubting and bad attitude. Who am I that He is mindful of me?
Are things still up in the air in every area of my life? Yes. I'm still not sure about my job situation. I'm still single. I still live in my parent's house. I still don't always know how I'm going to pay my bills. (And, I might be embarking on a church search, as well. But, I'll save that for another blog.)
But, I know that He's on the throne. And, that He's going to hide me in the cleft of that rock. So, while the storm rages on outside, He's in control. Nothing can happen that He's not ready for, that He hasn't already seen. And, that God that sits on the throne, in control of the universe, calls me friend. I have no idea why He wants to be my friend, but I'm just going to rest in that for awhile.
And, then I went to church.
I've learned not to expect much from church. I know. Bad attitude.
God spoke to me. He literally spoke directly to me. He said, 'I am still your God. I am still on the throne. I am still in control. And, I will hide you in the cleft of the rock.' He said those words through someone else, but I knew they were for me.
Even now as I tell you this, I'm crying. I cannot believe that He took the time to answer my prayer personally. Especially with all my unbelief and doubting and bad attitude. Who am I that He is mindful of me?
Are things still up in the air in every area of my life? Yes. I'm still not sure about my job situation. I'm still single. I still live in my parent's house. I still don't always know how I'm going to pay my bills. (And, I might be embarking on a church search, as well. But, I'll save that for another blog.)
But, I know that He's on the throne. And, that He's going to hide me in the cleft of that rock. So, while the storm rages on outside, He's in control. Nothing can happen that He's not ready for, that He hasn't already seen. And, that God that sits on the throne, in control of the universe, calls me friend. I have no idea why He wants to be my friend, but I'm just going to rest in that for awhile.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Let's just say I'm quirky...
I freak out. It's just what I do. I obsess and overanalyze. I obsess over the tiniest little details. I replay situations and conversations in my head over and over and over again. I think about what I could have said or done differently. I try to plan for every possible scenario.
I'm a control freak. I really need to be in control of every situation. I don't like going into new restuarants or stores because I know that someone else is going to be in control of the situation. I suck at relationships, especially those between boys and girls, because I can't always be in control and I have trouble coping with that realization.
Years of training in counseling has taught me some coping mechanisms. Some of them are crazy and some of them are obvious. I hum Indiana Jones before walking into unfamiliar territory to remind myself that adventure is good and so is stepping out of my comfort zone. I take deep breaths before reacting to change so I can think through my reaction. I write. I keep my mind busy so I won't obsess and overanalyze.
Here's the thing: I know you're all really impressed that I'm so functional. I know its fantastic that I can use these coping mechanisms to work through my 'issues.' Considering how painfully shy I was in high school, a therapist would most likely consider this progess.
But, God doesn't.
He doesn't want me to rely on my little therapuetic 'tricks' to get myself through tough situations. He doesn't want me to plot and plan and replan. He doesn't want me to do things my own way, which because I'm a control freak, I tend to do.
He just wants me to trust Him. He wants me to come to Him when I'm freaking out and pour out my heart. He wants to hear my fears and dreams and hopes. And, this is beyond me, but I think He wants to hear my overanalyzations.
He wants me to give Him the control. And, really, that should be the only coping mechanism I'll ever need. He wants to make me whole - physically, spiritually, and mentally.
Love so amazing.
I'm a control freak. I really need to be in control of every situation. I don't like going into new restuarants or stores because I know that someone else is going to be in control of the situation. I suck at relationships, especially those between boys and girls, because I can't always be in control and I have trouble coping with that realization.
Years of training in counseling has taught me some coping mechanisms. Some of them are crazy and some of them are obvious. I hum Indiana Jones before walking into unfamiliar territory to remind myself that adventure is good and so is stepping out of my comfort zone. I take deep breaths before reacting to change so I can think through my reaction. I write. I keep my mind busy so I won't obsess and overanalyze.
Here's the thing: I know you're all really impressed that I'm so functional. I know its fantastic that I can use these coping mechanisms to work through my 'issues.' Considering how painfully shy I was in high school, a therapist would most likely consider this progess.
But, God doesn't.
He doesn't want me to rely on my little therapuetic 'tricks' to get myself through tough situations. He doesn't want me to plot and plan and replan. He doesn't want me to do things my own way, which because I'm a control freak, I tend to do.
He just wants me to trust Him. He wants me to come to Him when I'm freaking out and pour out my heart. He wants to hear my fears and dreams and hopes. And, this is beyond me, but I think He wants to hear my overanalyzations.
He wants me to give Him the control. And, really, that should be the only coping mechanism I'll ever need. He wants to make me whole - physically, spiritually, and mentally.
Love so amazing.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Good Gifts
On Thursday, I had to go to court for a silly ticket. I was so incredibly nervous. If you know me very well, then you probably aren't surprised that I was nervous. I get butterflies in my stomach when I go to a new restaurant. I really wanted to ask my dad to go with me, but I knew he would tell me that he had to work. I also thought the judge might think me a silly girl and when make me pay more for being ridiculous.
(Sidenote: I have different levels of stomach butterflies, for those of you who are interested. New restaurants are just butterflies, you know, just your average garden variety monarchs. Court dates are butterflies on steroids and possibly hallucinogenics. But, when I talk to that certain boy - and yes, maybe there is actually a 'certain boy' - they are like freaking pterodactyls.)
I thought that I was going to have to pay $110. This was a particularly tight week and I had already made a hair appointment. But, I knew if I did actually have to pay that ticket, I would have to cancel my hair appointment. I was bummed, but a girl's got to prioritize.
But, the judge actually reduced my fines from $110 to $65. And, yes, before I left the courtroom, he did manage to squeeze in a mini lecture, but it was deserved. The amazing thing is that I had figured the hair appointment at $45.
How great is our God?
Seriously. Why would the King of Kings care if I got my hair colored today? He cares because He knows it matters to me. As tiny and insignificant as it might be in the scheme of things, He knows that to me, it's kind of a big deal. So, He moved in the heart of a judge, and had my fines reduced. Even though, I deserved to pay the fines.
My hair looks fabulous. And, all the way home, I was absolutely overwhelmed with God's love. I just kept telling Him that I loved Him. And, then I realized that I am only capable of loving Him because He has loved me first. Well, that just made me love Him even more. My heart was so full.
And, then I got two pairs of shoes for seven dollars...total.
It blows my mind that God would care enough about me to see that I get the little things like cute shoes and hair appointments. I don't know why He does, but I am so glad He loves me. I don't why He thinks I'm worthy of these gifts, especially when He's already given me so much, but I'm sure glad He does.
(Sidenote: I have different levels of stomach butterflies, for those of you who are interested. New restaurants are just butterflies, you know, just your average garden variety monarchs. Court dates are butterflies on steroids and possibly hallucinogenics. But, when I talk to that certain boy - and yes, maybe there is actually a 'certain boy' - they are like freaking pterodactyls.)
I thought that I was going to have to pay $110. This was a particularly tight week and I had already made a hair appointment. But, I knew if I did actually have to pay that ticket, I would have to cancel my hair appointment. I was bummed, but a girl's got to prioritize.
But, the judge actually reduced my fines from $110 to $65. And, yes, before I left the courtroom, he did manage to squeeze in a mini lecture, but it was deserved. The amazing thing is that I had figured the hair appointment at $45.
How great is our God?
Seriously. Why would the King of Kings care if I got my hair colored today? He cares because He knows it matters to me. As tiny and insignificant as it might be in the scheme of things, He knows that to me, it's kind of a big deal. So, He moved in the heart of a judge, and had my fines reduced. Even though, I deserved to pay the fines.
My hair looks fabulous. And, all the way home, I was absolutely overwhelmed with God's love. I just kept telling Him that I loved Him. And, then I realized that I am only capable of loving Him because He has loved me first. Well, that just made me love Him even more. My heart was so full.
And, then I got two pairs of shoes for seven dollars...total.
It blows my mind that God would care enough about me to see that I get the little things like cute shoes and hair appointments. I don't know why He does, but I am so glad He loves me. I don't why He thinks I'm worthy of these gifts, especially when He's already given me so much, but I'm sure glad He does.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
Hug.
Remember that post I wrote yesterday about patience and the fiery trial? You read it, right? So did God. Whew. What a day! The kids were especially crazy and totally wore me out. I got paid today, but every penny already belongs to someone else. And, then Emily reads me a scripture that says something like not everyone is called to be a teacher because teachers are held to even stricter standards. Awesome. And, here I thought I was just barely squeaking by on the average standards.
But, then, Jesus came.
On the way home, I decided to take out my most favorite Christ Tomlin and listen to Matthew West. I heard this song and I cried the entire way home.
I'm the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can't even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I'm spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime
Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe againFeeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
I'm the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You're the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess
Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Okay, I highlighted a few of my favorite parts (notice that both entire verses are highlighted - you should see my textbooks). I feel like God gave Mr. West this song, knowing that someday, I would be driving home from work and would need a hug.
I'm the one with two left feet, standing alone, more broken than I ever want anyone to know. I'm the one who's made the giant mistakes (and a few little ones) and now has to pay the consequences for them. Sometimes, I do look at myself and wonder how I manage to make it to the end of the day. I know that soon, I'm going to hit the bottom like a ton of bricks.
But, He's just standing there, with His arms open wide, saying, 'It's fine. I think you're beautiful.'
I often imagine that God thinks of me like I think of my little kids. I love love love when they get hurt or scared and they come running to me. I just scoop them up and give them all the love I have. Even more, I love when they aren't scared or hurt and they just climb into my lap or give me a hug. I love them right back.
I'm seriously crying right now because I know that the love I give to these kids is nothing compared to the perfect love that Jesus has for me. And, I know that He can't wait until I climb into his lap or run to him when I'm scared.
So, I don't care that I don't have two pennies to rub together. I don't care that when I left work today, all my makeup was gone and my butt was wet cause I sat on the ground. I don't care that maybe I do mess up sometimes. Okay, I do care that I mess up. But, I know that God thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and I'm just going to breathe Him in for awhile.
But, then, Jesus came.
On the way home, I decided to take out my most favorite Christ Tomlin and listen to Matthew West. I heard this song and I cried the entire way home.
I'm the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can't even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I'm spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime
Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe againFeeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart
I'm the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You're the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess
Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again
Okay, I highlighted a few of my favorite parts (notice that both entire verses are highlighted - you should see my textbooks). I feel like God gave Mr. West this song, knowing that someday, I would be driving home from work and would need a hug.
I'm the one with two left feet, standing alone, more broken than I ever want anyone to know. I'm the one who's made the giant mistakes (and a few little ones) and now has to pay the consequences for them. Sometimes, I do look at myself and wonder how I manage to make it to the end of the day. I know that soon, I'm going to hit the bottom like a ton of bricks.
But, He's just standing there, with His arms open wide, saying, 'It's fine. I think you're beautiful.'
I often imagine that God thinks of me like I think of my little kids. I love love love when they get hurt or scared and they come running to me. I just scoop them up and give them all the love I have. Even more, I love when they aren't scared or hurt and they just climb into my lap or give me a hug. I love them right back.
I'm seriously crying right now because I know that the love I give to these kids is nothing compared to the perfect love that Jesus has for me. And, I know that He can't wait until I climb into his lap or run to him when I'm scared.
So, I don't care that I don't have two pennies to rub together. I don't care that when I left work today, all my makeup was gone and my butt was wet cause I sat on the ground. I don't care that maybe I do mess up sometimes. Okay, I do care that I mess up. But, I know that God thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and I'm just going to breathe Him in for awhile.
Monday, July 13, 2009
Patience, etc.
Patience. I totally need some. But, you know what everyone says...if you pray for patience, you'll find yourself in a situation where you really REALLY need some. It will be a 'learn patience or die' trial. It will be a trial more fiery than any other fiery trial in the history of all mankind. (Fortunately, I've learned to embrace the fiery, but that doesn't mean that I want to invite them necessarily.)
There are two different kinds of patience: patience with people and patience for things. I have neither.
If you're under the age of five, then I've got all the compassion and patience in the world. But, any older than five, and you better just put on your big boy pants and deal with your stuff. I'm not going to listen to you whine and tattle. Just do what you need to do and deal with the consequences. It's called adulthood.
And, when it comes to the things I want out of life (i.e., husband and family, perfect job, etc.), I want it now. And, that is a fantastic atittude. In fact, I hope that if you're reading this blog, it's not the first time. Otherwise, I've just painted a really yucky picture of myself. Please, go back and read a few blogs where I sound Christlike and full of Christian love. I'm sure there must be a few somewhere in the archives.
So, today, I did a little walk through my concordance (note to self: read Romans) and came up with some serious stuff:
I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3
There is a whole list of things I just admitted to not doing. Humility? Oops. Gentleness? See paragraph above concerning 'big boy pants'. Patience? None to be found. I'm not even sure I want to tackle the last two. The real kicker is that Paul says I should walk in a manner 'worthy of the calling.'
I can never really be worthy of the calling God has chosen for me. I'm not even worthy of the most basic calling - that He has chosen me to be His daughter. I'll never do enough to be worthy of that calling. I, in myself, will never be worthy of that calling. But, God still calls me to walk worthy of that calling. I have a feeling I am only scratching the surface of this verse.
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:9-12
The heading above this paragraph in my Bible is 'marks of a true Christian.' Ouch. Here I am thinking I'm sailing down the straight and narrow, maybe just running a little low on patience and bam! God hits me with these verses. It's like when I go to get my oil changed and they keep coming up to my window telling me what else needs to be replaced.
You know what I say? Bring on the fiery trial! (I almost want to go back and delete that before God has a chance to read it.) But, God, could you maybe hold my hand? I'm just a little girl. But, I'm a little girl who wants to do big things for You.
There are two different kinds of patience: patience with people and patience for things. I have neither.
If you're under the age of five, then I've got all the compassion and patience in the world. But, any older than five, and you better just put on your big boy pants and deal with your stuff. I'm not going to listen to you whine and tattle. Just do what you need to do and deal with the consequences. It's called adulthood.
And, when it comes to the things I want out of life (i.e., husband and family, perfect job, etc.), I want it now. And, that is a fantastic atittude. In fact, I hope that if you're reading this blog, it's not the first time. Otherwise, I've just painted a really yucky picture of myself. Please, go back and read a few blogs where I sound Christlike and full of Christian love. I'm sure there must be a few somewhere in the archives.
So, today, I did a little walk through my concordance (note to self: read Romans) and came up with some serious stuff:
I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3
There is a whole list of things I just admitted to not doing. Humility? Oops. Gentleness? See paragraph above concerning 'big boy pants'. Patience? None to be found. I'm not even sure I want to tackle the last two. The real kicker is that Paul says I should walk in a manner 'worthy of the calling.'
I can never really be worthy of the calling God has chosen for me. I'm not even worthy of the most basic calling - that He has chosen me to be His daughter. I'll never do enough to be worthy of that calling. I, in myself, will never be worthy of that calling. But, God still calls me to walk worthy of that calling. I have a feeling I am only scratching the surface of this verse.
Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:9-12
The heading above this paragraph in my Bible is 'marks of a true Christian.' Ouch. Here I am thinking I'm sailing down the straight and narrow, maybe just running a little low on patience and bam! God hits me with these verses. It's like when I go to get my oil changed and they keep coming up to my window telling me what else needs to be replaced.
You know what I say? Bring on the fiery trial! (I almost want to go back and delete that before God has a chance to read it.) But, God, could you maybe hold my hand? I'm just a little girl. But, I'm a little girl who wants to do big things for You.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
And, then there was manna...
My friend Sarah Beth wrote an amazing blog a couple of weeks ago, and it came to my mind today. I've been thinking about it ever since.
Just in case you are as lazy as I am, I'll summarize. Basically, God sent the Israelites manna because they grumbled. He did not send them manna because that was the provision He had originally intended. My guess is that He really had something better in mind, but because they couldn't wait for God's perfect plan, they got the manna.
I'm sure the manna was sufficient. I'm sure they were no longer hungry. (Well, actually that is untrue, because they grumbled some more and God sent quail. We'll just include the quail in with the manna.) And, maybe they never even missed God's original provision. It's possible that He was just trying to teach them a lesson in patience. But, it's also possible that He had a seven course meal waiting at the end of the trial.
When I hear that story, it sound awfully familiar. I know a grumbler. I know someone who thinks she deserves something that God hasn't given her yet. I know someone who could use a real lesson in patience. I know someone who is asking God to move now, regardless of His plan. And, I know someone who is going to end up with a Plan B husband if she doesn't shape up and learn a lesson from the Israelites.
Me.
God has a plan for me. We're gonna call it Plan A. It's incredible. I know it is. I know that He has my entire path mapped out, just waiting for me. I have no idea what's on the path. He may have a husband just waiting for me right around the corner. He's got my dream job already to go. He's got a ministry for me that's gonna change the world. His Plan A is so amazing, I can't even imagine it. He told me so.
He told me He knit me together in my mother's womb for a purpose. He told me that He has plans to prosper me and to give me a future and a hope. He's told me that He's going to give me the desires of my heart. He's told me that He will order my steps. He's told me that He will give me good gifts, better than I can even imagine, if I just ask Him.
And, yet, I grumble. I tell Him it's not good enough. I want my future now. I want to meet the man of my dreams now. I want to move out now. I want everything now. His perfect provision and timing is not enough for me. The last thing I want is a Plan B, or manna, husband. He'll give it to me because He is a good father and wants to take care of His children. But, then I'll have to face the consequences of my decision. I'll have to deal with my Plan B life.
"I want Plan A. I need Plan A. I don't want to take one step out of Your will, not even for a second. I know that the plans you have for me are more amazing than I could ever imagine (and I have a pretty active imagination). I know that You are a Father who wants to provide the best for His children. I know this. I believe what You said in the scriptures. I know You keep Your promises. But, Lord, help my unbelief. Forgive me for even doubting Your perfect plan. Forgive me for thinking that I could do things better. Strip me of my pride and selfishness. I want Plan A, whatever the price. Even if it means giving up some of those dreams I hold most dear, because I know that something even better waits for me."
Just in case you are as lazy as I am, I'll summarize. Basically, God sent the Israelites manna because they grumbled. He did not send them manna because that was the provision He had originally intended. My guess is that He really had something better in mind, but because they couldn't wait for God's perfect plan, they got the manna.
I'm sure the manna was sufficient. I'm sure they were no longer hungry. (Well, actually that is untrue, because they grumbled some more and God sent quail. We'll just include the quail in with the manna.) And, maybe they never even missed God's original provision. It's possible that He was just trying to teach them a lesson in patience. But, it's also possible that He had a seven course meal waiting at the end of the trial.
When I hear that story, it sound awfully familiar. I know a grumbler. I know someone who thinks she deserves something that God hasn't given her yet. I know someone who could use a real lesson in patience. I know someone who is asking God to move now, regardless of His plan. And, I know someone who is going to end up with a Plan B husband if she doesn't shape up and learn a lesson from the Israelites.
Me.
God has a plan for me. We're gonna call it Plan A. It's incredible. I know it is. I know that He has my entire path mapped out, just waiting for me. I have no idea what's on the path. He may have a husband just waiting for me right around the corner. He's got my dream job already to go. He's got a ministry for me that's gonna change the world. His Plan A is so amazing, I can't even imagine it. He told me so.
He told me He knit me together in my mother's womb for a purpose. He told me that He has plans to prosper me and to give me a future and a hope. He's told me that He's going to give me the desires of my heart. He's told me that He will order my steps. He's told me that He will give me good gifts, better than I can even imagine, if I just ask Him.
And, yet, I grumble. I tell Him it's not good enough. I want my future now. I want to meet the man of my dreams now. I want to move out now. I want everything now. His perfect provision and timing is not enough for me. The last thing I want is a Plan B, or manna, husband. He'll give it to me because He is a good father and wants to take care of His children. But, then I'll have to face the consequences of my decision. I'll have to deal with my Plan B life.
"I want Plan A. I need Plan A. I don't want to take one step out of Your will, not even for a second. I know that the plans you have for me are more amazing than I could ever imagine (and I have a pretty active imagination). I know that You are a Father who wants to provide the best for His children. I know this. I believe what You said in the scriptures. I know You keep Your promises. But, Lord, help my unbelief. Forgive me for even doubting Your perfect plan. Forgive me for thinking that I could do things better. Strip me of my pride and selfishness. I want Plan A, whatever the price. Even if it means giving up some of those dreams I hold most dear, because I know that something even better waits for me."
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Spiritual Warfare
I have never been one to buy into the whole spiritual warfare 'thing'. And, when I say 'whole,' I mean that I know that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. But, I suppose I am just too logical to agree that when I have a bad day it is because the devil is working against me. I just can't see letting him have that much credit. And, I think that this might have been to my detriment.
I have been reading a lot of Peretti and Dekker lately. And, while I realize the situations their characters find themselves in are entirely fictional, there is usually a very logical argument for the supernatural. Of course, I believe in the supernatural. But, I tend to think that posession and intense spiritual warfare against the devils and his lackey demons is something for those crazy new testament apostles.
But, some situations in my life couple with the books I've been reading lately are leading me to believe that my insistent downplay of the supernatural battle going on is actually causing some problems in my spiritual life. And, yesterday, some of those situations really seem to come to a head. And, then this morning, what does Pastor Will say in sunday school? He says that we have to remember that witchcraft is real, the devil is out to get us, and that we wrestle not against flesh and blood. He quotes the very scripture that has been running through my head for a week.
I have been going out onto the battlefield with only half my armor on, believing that if I didn't give the devil credit for the bullets they wouldn't hurt me. Instead, I should have been in the word, putting on that full armor of God and rebuking any and every hold Satan found in my life. And, trust me, he has found some.
Fortunately, I serve an amazing God. The very mention of His son's name makes those demons tremble. The Light lives in me and any darkness cannot exist where there is Light. So, as painful as it is, it is time for me to turn that Light inward and start finding those holds that Satan has in my life. And, I need to start believing in the power of my prayers because besides the Word of God, those are the most powerful weapons I have.
I have been reading a lot of Peretti and Dekker lately. And, while I realize the situations their characters find themselves in are entirely fictional, there is usually a very logical argument for the supernatural. Of course, I believe in the supernatural. But, I tend to think that posession and intense spiritual warfare against the devils and his lackey demons is something for those crazy new testament apostles.
But, some situations in my life couple with the books I've been reading lately are leading me to believe that my insistent downplay of the supernatural battle going on is actually causing some problems in my spiritual life. And, yesterday, some of those situations really seem to come to a head. And, then this morning, what does Pastor Will say in sunday school? He says that we have to remember that witchcraft is real, the devil is out to get us, and that we wrestle not against flesh and blood. He quotes the very scripture that has been running through my head for a week.
I have been going out onto the battlefield with only half my armor on, believing that if I didn't give the devil credit for the bullets they wouldn't hurt me. Instead, I should have been in the word, putting on that full armor of God and rebuking any and every hold Satan found in my life. And, trust me, he has found some.
Fortunately, I serve an amazing God. The very mention of His son's name makes those demons tremble. The Light lives in me and any darkness cannot exist where there is Light. So, as painful as it is, it is time for me to turn that Light inward and start finding those holds that Satan has in my life. And, I need to start believing in the power of my prayers because besides the Word of God, those are the most powerful weapons I have.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Testimony
I mentioned in my last post that there were two things that struck me about II Timothy. The first was that amazing scripture (which, by the way, the phrase 'complete patience' has been running through my head since I read it...can you say 'conviction?') and the second is Paul.
Paul tells Timothy not to be ashamed of his testimony in Jesus Christ. He reminds him that God has saved us and called us, not because of anything we have done, but because He has His own purpose for us. What Paul is not saying is that we have been called in spite of anything we have done.
I stumbled upon this video this morning. I wept. Please watch it.
Occasionally, I am guilty of thinking that my testimony isn't as powerful as someone else's. I haven't been addicted to drugs. I've never battled any kind of disease. My parents are not only still alive, but they're still happily married. I haven't done anything exceptionally bad. I've never even drank alcohol and I'm still a virgin. What could I possibly have to share?
What struck me about this video is that not all of the testimonies are drug addiction or cancer battling huge. Some of them are just ordinary 'sideline Christian' or 'anger controlling me' bad. But, when they flip over those signs and reveal how God has healed their individual brokenness, their testimony is no less amazing.
My God is in the business of restoration and redemption. And, the truth is, we all need it. And, when I say that my testimony isn't that amazing, I am saying that I didn't need God as much as someone else did. But, I did. Because I am arrogant. I'm a liar. I've made plenty of poor choices. And, chief among those poor choices, was to choose to do things on my own.
But, Jesus came down and restored me. He picked up all my broken pieces and breathed new life into them. And, that is a testimony of which I should not be ashamed. And, here is the really beautiful part. After God restored me, after He worked the beauty of redemption, He called me to a holy calling. He made a deposit in my life, as Paul calls it. And, Paul says, 'I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what He has entrusted to me.' God has restored me. He has called me. He has made an investment in my life. And, some day, He is expecting a return on that investment. He is expecting that I will be able to carry out His plans.
Me.
Broken, arrogant, fickle, dishonest, mean, vain, and human.
He trusts me to carry out His plans and make good on His investment in my life.
Redemption is amazing. And, I have a pretty awesome testimony. I am not ashamed.
Paul tells Timothy not to be ashamed of his testimony in Jesus Christ. He reminds him that God has saved us and called us, not because of anything we have done, but because He has His own purpose for us. What Paul is not saying is that we have been called in spite of anything we have done.
I stumbled upon this video this morning. I wept. Please watch it.
Occasionally, I am guilty of thinking that my testimony isn't as powerful as someone else's. I haven't been addicted to drugs. I've never battled any kind of disease. My parents are not only still alive, but they're still happily married. I haven't done anything exceptionally bad. I've never even drank alcohol and I'm still a virgin. What could I possibly have to share?
What struck me about this video is that not all of the testimonies are drug addiction or cancer battling huge. Some of them are just ordinary 'sideline Christian' or 'anger controlling me' bad. But, when they flip over those signs and reveal how God has healed their individual brokenness, their testimony is no less amazing.
My God is in the business of restoration and redemption. And, the truth is, we all need it. And, when I say that my testimony isn't that amazing, I am saying that I didn't need God as much as someone else did. But, I did. Because I am arrogant. I'm a liar. I've made plenty of poor choices. And, chief among those poor choices, was to choose to do things on my own.
But, Jesus came down and restored me. He picked up all my broken pieces and breathed new life into them. And, that is a testimony of which I should not be ashamed. And, here is the really beautiful part. After God restored me, after He worked the beauty of redemption, He called me to a holy calling. He made a deposit in my life, as Paul calls it. And, Paul says, 'I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what He has entrusted to me.' God has restored me. He has called me. He has made an investment in my life. And, some day, He is expecting a return on that investment. He is expecting that I will be able to carry out His plans.
Me.
Broken, arrogant, fickle, dishonest, mean, vain, and human.
He trusts me to carry out His plans and make good on His investment in my life.
Redemption is amazing. And, I have a pretty awesome testimony. I am not ashamed.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Job Description
I know...two blogs in one day. But, I process things better when I write.
I was reading II Timothy today and I stumbled upon two very important things. Two things that I really needed to hear.
I found my job description. First, let me give you a little background information. For those of you who don't know what I do, I teach preschool. This may come as a shock to some of you. It certainly came as a shock to me. I love my job. I think I'm pretty good at my job. But, don't for one second think that it's all sunshine and butterflies. Don't think it's all finger painting and play- doh. It's hard. There is some serious mental, and occasionally physical, strain involved. But, as I've shared with you before, all it takes is one little hand grabbing for yours and then, none of the other stuff matters.
Recently, Emily and I were talking about how we are more than teachers. That these classrooms are our congregations. That, in effect, we are pastors. And, we are responsible for the spiritual well-being of each of these little ones in our care. That's a giant responsibility and I admit that I find it daunting.
I have said before that my only job is to love these children. And, I still believe that is what I am called to do. But, there is more than just hugs and kisses when you are the shepherd of sixteen crazy little sheep.
'Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.' II Timothy 4:2
Was Paul a preschool teacher? Seriously, this verse so completely sums up my entire responsibility as a teacher (minus the love part, but Paul wasn't very mushy). First and foremost, I have to preach the word to these kids. And, considering the fact that they are one and two years old, I believe that means I have to preach the Word with my life. I have to be ready for anything. Any question, any situation, and trust me, you would not even be able to dream up the things these kids do. And, I do have to, occasionally, reprove, rebuke, and exhort, but here's the kicker, I have to do it with complete patience. And, I have to turn that rebuke into a 'teachable moment.' Oops. You expected complete patience? Oh.
I absolutely love my job. Every day, I am blessed. I am blessed by the kids and I am blessed to get to work with these amazing women every single day. I am blessed to work in an environment where a relationship with Jesus is expected and encouraged. Yesterday, while the kids were napping, I was playing worship music, and I spent some time talking with Jesus. He visited me at work. What an amazing privilege!
I recognize that I have an enormous responsibility. And, I love that God recognizes that I have an enormous responsibility. I love that He believes these little lives are just as important as mine, or any other adults, for that matter. Sure, they can't get their pee pee in the potty yet. Maybe they don't color in the lines or use nice hands, but He loves them so much. He has such amazing plans for them. And, I am so grateful that He has allowed me to be a part of those plans.
Paul tells Timothy, 'Continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom (this is plural, according to my little footnotes) you have learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.' II Timothy 3:14, 15
Timothy has had many teachers throughout his life and all of them have contributed to his beliefs, which ultimately led to his salvation. I cannot tell you what a privilege and blessing it is have the chance to contribute in the lives of these children. I am overwhelmed by both the awesomeness of the blessing and the hugeness of the responsibility. But, I firmly believe that God has put me here for a reason, and I am confident that He is able to fulfill His purpose in me. And, that's incredibly amazing too!
(I know I said there were two things. And, there is something else, but you'll have to wait until later. I think I've done enough blogging for one night...)
I was reading II Timothy today and I stumbled upon two very important things. Two things that I really needed to hear.
I found my job description. First, let me give you a little background information. For those of you who don't know what I do, I teach preschool. This may come as a shock to some of you. It certainly came as a shock to me. I love my job. I think I'm pretty good at my job. But, don't for one second think that it's all sunshine and butterflies. Don't think it's all finger painting and play- doh. It's hard. There is some serious mental, and occasionally physical, strain involved. But, as I've shared with you before, all it takes is one little hand grabbing for yours and then, none of the other stuff matters.
Recently, Emily and I were talking about how we are more than teachers. That these classrooms are our congregations. That, in effect, we are pastors. And, we are responsible for the spiritual well-being of each of these little ones in our care. That's a giant responsibility and I admit that I find it daunting.
I have said before that my only job is to love these children. And, I still believe that is what I am called to do. But, there is more than just hugs and kisses when you are the shepherd of sixteen crazy little sheep.
'Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.' II Timothy 4:2
Was Paul a preschool teacher? Seriously, this verse so completely sums up my entire responsibility as a teacher (minus the love part, but Paul wasn't very mushy). First and foremost, I have to preach the word to these kids. And, considering the fact that they are one and two years old, I believe that means I have to preach the Word with my life. I have to be ready for anything. Any question, any situation, and trust me, you would not even be able to dream up the things these kids do. And, I do have to, occasionally, reprove, rebuke, and exhort, but here's the kicker, I have to do it with complete patience. And, I have to turn that rebuke into a 'teachable moment.' Oops. You expected complete patience? Oh.
I absolutely love my job. Every day, I am blessed. I am blessed by the kids and I am blessed to get to work with these amazing women every single day. I am blessed to work in an environment where a relationship with Jesus is expected and encouraged. Yesterday, while the kids were napping, I was playing worship music, and I spent some time talking with Jesus. He visited me at work. What an amazing privilege!
I recognize that I have an enormous responsibility. And, I love that God recognizes that I have an enormous responsibility. I love that He believes these little lives are just as important as mine, or any other adults, for that matter. Sure, they can't get their pee pee in the potty yet. Maybe they don't color in the lines or use nice hands, but He loves them so much. He has such amazing plans for them. And, I am so grateful that He has allowed me to be a part of those plans.
Paul tells Timothy, 'Continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom (this is plural, according to my little footnotes) you have learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.' II Timothy 3:14, 15
Timothy has had many teachers throughout his life and all of them have contributed to his beliefs, which ultimately led to his salvation. I cannot tell you what a privilege and blessing it is have the chance to contribute in the lives of these children. I am overwhelmed by both the awesomeness of the blessing and the hugeness of the responsibility. But, I firmly believe that God has put me here for a reason, and I am confident that He is able to fulfill His purpose in me. And, that's incredibly amazing too!
(I know I said there were two things. And, there is something else, but you'll have to wait until later. I think I've done enough blogging for one night...)
Quiet Time
So, a couple of days ago, I wrote a blog about how I'm struggling at working in my quiet time. Not because I don't have the time. I mean, I've got a lot to do, for sure, but I'm only working one job now. And, you would not believe how weird it is to have free time now.
I tried getting up early for a couple of days. Yeah, I read my Bible and I talked to God some, but I got absolutely nothing out of it. I couldn't tell you what I read and most of what I said to God was incoherent. I was definitely not giving God my best. And, strangely enough, I was a little crankier. I think because I got up earlier, but also because I knew how unfruitful and pointless that fifteen minutes I gave to God was.
But, I always feel guilty. I feel like I've always been told that you should give your early morning moments to God. You should start the day off by spending time with Him. Why would He want those moments when I can give Him some time in the afternoon and the both of us will get so much more out of it?
It is true that if I just try to work it in sometime during the day, it often gets skipped. So, I think I'm just going to make it a part of my night time routine, instead of my morning routine.
Maybe this is silly. Maybe God doesn't care when I talk to Him, when I read His words, when I set aside time for Him, just as long as I do it. I'm still very conflicted though. I feel like every good Christian gives God their mornings. They sacrifice their sleep, drag themselves out of bed, and watch the sunrise with the Lord.
That is just not how it happens for me. I rolled out of bed, got mad cause both bathrooms were full and I really had to pee, discovered that no one left any coffee for me (I usually just wait until work, but if I have to get up early...), stumbled through a couple chapters of I Timothy, said a quick prayer, and carried on with my day.
That is not how I want my time with Jesus to go. So, maybe this makes me a bad Christian, but I'm having my date with Jesus at night. Don't think too poorly of me.
I tried getting up early for a couple of days. Yeah, I read my Bible and I talked to God some, but I got absolutely nothing out of it. I couldn't tell you what I read and most of what I said to God was incoherent. I was definitely not giving God my best. And, strangely enough, I was a little crankier. I think because I got up earlier, but also because I knew how unfruitful and pointless that fifteen minutes I gave to God was.
But, I always feel guilty. I feel like I've always been told that you should give your early morning moments to God. You should start the day off by spending time with Him. Why would He want those moments when I can give Him some time in the afternoon and the both of us will get so much more out of it?
It is true that if I just try to work it in sometime during the day, it often gets skipped. So, I think I'm just going to make it a part of my night time routine, instead of my morning routine.
Maybe this is silly. Maybe God doesn't care when I talk to Him, when I read His words, when I set aside time for Him, just as long as I do it. I'm still very conflicted though. I feel like every good Christian gives God their mornings. They sacrifice their sleep, drag themselves out of bed, and watch the sunrise with the Lord.
That is just not how it happens for me. I rolled out of bed, got mad cause both bathrooms were full and I really had to pee, discovered that no one left any coffee for me (I usually just wait until work, but if I have to get up early...), stumbled through a couple chapters of I Timothy, said a quick prayer, and carried on with my day.
That is not how I want my time with Jesus to go. So, maybe this makes me a bad Christian, but I'm having my date with Jesus at night. Don't think too poorly of me.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Oh, the shame...
I actually started to write a blog this afternoon about how my life has been much more hectic lately. Just as I was about to type the words, 'I've been having trouble finding time for quiet time,' I realized that I could be using that time much more productively. So, I did. I went outside and read my Bible.
But, this week has been really crazy and I am ashamed to say that I did not crack open my Bible one time. I was sick. There were lay-offs. A new director was hired. I've been stressed out because of the lay-offs and what that means for my classroom. And, on top of all that, I'm still dealing with a lot of the same stuff I mentioned in the last blog.
And, today, while I was reading I Timothy, God spoke to me. He said, 'I know you had a hectic week. I know you were sick and stressed out and even a little scared. It would have been nice to hear it from you. And, I really would have like to help.'
Duh.
Seriously. How many times is it going to take for me to learn this lesson? How many times do I have to fall? Today, I really needed to vent. I just needed to get some stuff off of my chest. No one was answering their phone. I started to get frustrated and then, I realized that I should be taking this to God. I am frustrated with myself. When is that going to be my first instinct?
I'm at the point in my life where I have to make to do lists and schedules. I actually have to schedule time to sit down and pay my bills. And, now, I'm going to start scheduling time to sit down, read my Bible and spend some time with Jesus. (No, it won't be first thing in the morning. Maybe I'll blog about that another day.) I kind of hate that I have to schedule that in, to be honest. But, better to schedule it than it never happen at all.
Will I ever get to the point where my first instinct is to go to Jesus? I want that so bad. I hate that prayer is a last resort. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed that I went an entire week without some serious God time. Yes, I whispered a few prayers here and there. I'm still pumping out the praise music in my car. But, not once did I read my Bible or dedicate specific time to talk, and listen, to God. That's disgusting.
I bet last week would have gone so much better if I had...
But, this week has been really crazy and I am ashamed to say that I did not crack open my Bible one time. I was sick. There were lay-offs. A new director was hired. I've been stressed out because of the lay-offs and what that means for my classroom. And, on top of all that, I'm still dealing with a lot of the same stuff I mentioned in the last blog.
And, today, while I was reading I Timothy, God spoke to me. He said, 'I know you had a hectic week. I know you were sick and stressed out and even a little scared. It would have been nice to hear it from you. And, I really would have like to help.'
Duh.
Seriously. How many times is it going to take for me to learn this lesson? How many times do I have to fall? Today, I really needed to vent. I just needed to get some stuff off of my chest. No one was answering their phone. I started to get frustrated and then, I realized that I should be taking this to God. I am frustrated with myself. When is that going to be my first instinct?
I'm at the point in my life where I have to make to do lists and schedules. I actually have to schedule time to sit down and pay my bills. And, now, I'm going to start scheduling time to sit down, read my Bible and spend some time with Jesus. (No, it won't be first thing in the morning. Maybe I'll blog about that another day.) I kind of hate that I have to schedule that in, to be honest. But, better to schedule it than it never happen at all.
Will I ever get to the point where my first instinct is to go to Jesus? I want that so bad. I hate that prayer is a last resort. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed that I went an entire week without some serious God time. Yes, I whispered a few prayers here and there. I'm still pumping out the praise music in my car. But, not once did I read my Bible or dedicate specific time to talk, and listen, to God. That's disgusting.
I bet last week would have gone so much better if I had...
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Ouch.
Today, I have run the entire spectrum of emotions. I'm pretty sure that God is trying to teach me some lessons. Lessons that I probably desperately need. And, I'm a learner. In my opinion, that's what makes me such a great teacher. However, these are some tough lessons to learn. Especially considering that I'm not entirely sure what He is trying to teach me.
I know this: that every trial I encounter, He is with me, working on me to make me a better version of who I am. I know that these trials could be painful. I know that these lessons may bring a little chastisement with them. And, I know when it's all over, I'll be a better, stonger person. I'll look a little more like my Jesus.
But, holy crap, this is hard. I know that God is working to humble me and that is absolutely no fun. But, I think, especially today, He is showing me that He is really all I need. He is saying, I am your portion. And, I don't mean in the daily bread sense. I mean in the emotional fulfillment sense. Today, I believe that God was telling me that until I realize He is all I need, He can't give me the desires of my heart.
Let's be honest. I could be completely wrong. God could be telling me that I need to stay away from the color purple or something. But, I think I'm pretty close here. These words are hard to hear. It's hard to know that all of this time, I have been waiting on God, thinking He was just taking His time, when really, He has been waiting on me to get my act together. It's so easy to blame God, or even just circumstances, but to take the blame myself...that's rough.
I know this: that every trial I encounter, He is with me, working on me to make me a better version of who I am. I know that these trials could be painful. I know that these lessons may bring a little chastisement with them. And, I know when it's all over, I'll be a better, stonger person. I'll look a little more like my Jesus.
But, holy crap, this is hard. I know that God is working to humble me and that is absolutely no fun. But, I think, especially today, He is showing me that He is really all I need. He is saying, I am your portion. And, I don't mean in the daily bread sense. I mean in the emotional fulfillment sense. Today, I believe that God was telling me that until I realize He is all I need, He can't give me the desires of my heart.
Let's be honest. I could be completely wrong. God could be telling me that I need to stay away from the color purple or something. But, I think I'm pretty close here. These words are hard to hear. It's hard to know that all of this time, I have been waiting on God, thinking He was just taking His time, when really, He has been waiting on me to get my act together. It's so easy to blame God, or even just circumstances, but to take the blame myself...that's rough.
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