Let's just say I'm quirky...

I freak out. It's just what I do. I obsess and overanalyze. I obsess over the tiniest little details. I replay situations and conversations in my head over and over and over again. I think about what I could have said or done differently. I try to plan for every possible scenario.

I'm a control freak. I really need to be in control of every situation. I don't like going into new restuarants or stores because I know that someone else is going to be in control of the situation. I suck at relationships, especially those between boys and girls, because I can't always be in control and I have trouble coping with that realization.

Years of training in counseling has taught me some coping mechanisms. Some of them are crazy and some of them are obvious. I hum Indiana Jones before walking into unfamiliar territory to remind myself that adventure is good and so is stepping out of my comfort zone. I take deep breaths before reacting to change so I can think through my reaction. I write. I keep my mind busy so I won't obsess and overanalyze.

Here's the thing: I know you're all really impressed that I'm so functional. I know its fantastic that I can use these coping mechanisms to work through my 'issues.' Considering how painfully shy I was in high school, a therapist would most likely consider this progess.

But, God doesn't.

He doesn't want me to rely on my little therapuetic 'tricks' to get myself through tough situations. He doesn't want me to plot and plan and replan. He doesn't want me to do things my own way, which because I'm a control freak, I tend to do.

He just wants me to trust Him. He wants me to come to Him when I'm freaking out and pour out my heart. He wants to hear my fears and dreams and hopes. And, this is beyond me, but I think He wants to hear my overanalyzations.

He wants me to give Him the control. And, really, that should be the only coping mechanism I'll ever need. He wants to make me whole - physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Love so amazing.