Quiet Time

So, a couple of days ago, I wrote a blog about how I'm struggling at working in my quiet time. Not because I don't have the time. I mean, I've got a lot to do, for sure, but I'm only working one job now. And, you would not believe how weird it is to have free time now.

I tried getting up early for a couple of days. Yeah, I read my Bible and I talked to God some, but I got absolutely nothing out of it. I couldn't tell you what I read and most of what I said to God was incoherent. I was definitely not giving God my best. And, strangely enough, I was a little crankier. I think because I got up earlier, but also because I knew how unfruitful and pointless that fifteen minutes I gave to God was.

But, I always feel guilty. I feel like I've always been told that you should give your early morning moments to God. You should start the day off by spending time with Him. Why would He want those moments when I can give Him some time in the afternoon and the both of us will get so much more out of it?

It is true that if I just try to work it in sometime during the day, it often gets skipped. So, I think I'm just going to make it a part of my night time routine, instead of my morning routine.

Maybe this is silly. Maybe God doesn't care when I talk to Him, when I read His words, when I set aside time for Him, just as long as I do it. I'm still very conflicted though. I feel like every good Christian gives God their mornings. They sacrifice their sleep, drag themselves out of bed, and watch the sunrise with the Lord.

That is just not how it happens for me. I rolled out of bed, got mad cause both bathrooms were full and I really had to pee, discovered that no one left any coffee for me (I usually just wait until work, but if I have to get up early...), stumbled through a couple chapters of I Timothy, said a quick prayer, and carried on with my day.

That is not how I want my time with Jesus to go. So, maybe this makes me a bad Christian, but I'm having my date with Jesus at night. Don't think too poorly of me.

Oh, the shame...

I actually started to write a blog this afternoon about how my life has been much more hectic lately. Just as I was about to type the words, 'I've been having trouble finding time for quiet time,' I realized that I could be using that time much more productively. So, I did. I went outside and read my Bible.

But, this week has been really crazy and I am ashamed to say that I did not crack open my Bible one time. I was sick. There were lay-offs. A new director was hired. I've been stressed out because of the lay-offs and what that means for my classroom. And, on top of all that, I'm still dealing with a lot of the same stuff I mentioned in the last blog.

And, today, while I was reading I Timothy, God spoke to me. He said, 'I know you had a hectic week. I know you were sick and stressed out and even a little scared. It would have been nice to hear it from you. And, I really would have like to help.'

Duh.

Seriously. How many times is it going to take for me to learn this lesson? How many times do I have to fall? Today, I really needed to vent. I just needed to get some stuff off of my chest. No one was answering their phone. I started to get frustrated and then, I realized that I should be taking this to God. I am frustrated with myself. When is that going to be my first instinct?

I'm at the point in my life where I have to make to do lists and schedules. I actually have to schedule time to sit down and pay my bills. And, now, I'm going to start scheduling time to sit down, read my Bible and spend some time with Jesus. (No, it won't be first thing in the morning. Maybe I'll blog about that another day.) I kind of hate that I have to schedule that in, to be honest. But, better to schedule it than it never happen at all.

Will I ever get to the point where my first instinct is to go to Jesus? I want that so bad. I hate that prayer is a last resort. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed that I went an entire week without some serious God time. Yes, I whispered a few prayers here and there. I'm still pumping out the praise music in my car. But, not once did I read my Bible or dedicate specific time to talk, and listen, to God. That's disgusting.

I bet last week would have gone so much better if I had...

Ouch.

Today, I have run the entire spectrum of emotions. I'm pretty sure that God is trying to teach me some lessons. Lessons that I probably desperately need. And, I'm a learner. In my opinion, that's what makes me such a great teacher. However, these are some tough lessons to learn. Especially considering that I'm not entirely sure what He is trying to teach me.

I know this: that every trial I encounter, He is with me, working on me to make me a better version of who I am. I know that these trials could be painful. I know that these lessons may bring a little chastisement with them. And, I know when it's all over, I'll be a better, stonger person. I'll look a little more like my Jesus.

But, holy crap, this is hard. I know that God is working to humble me and that is absolutely no fun. But, I think, especially today, He is showing me that He is really all I need. He is saying, I am your portion. And, I don't mean in the daily bread sense. I mean in the emotional fulfillment sense. Today, I believe that God was telling me that until I realize He is all I need, He can't give me the desires of my heart.

Let's be honest. I could be completely wrong. God could be telling me that I need to stay away from the color purple or something. But, I think I'm pretty close here. These words are hard to hear. It's hard to know that all of this time, I have been waiting on God, thinking He was just taking His time, when really, He has been waiting on me to get my act together. It's so easy to blame God, or even just circumstances, but to take the blame myself...that's rough.

Reveal Your heart to me.

There is a line in a Third Day song that says, 'Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me.'

I love that line. I always have. I'm a word person. I like pretty phrasing, especially when it's sung. That's why I love to read Paul's letters. He has a way with words (at least, when he isn't getting all technical). I was reading in First Corinthians today and he refers to the 'mysteries' of salvation and of Christ.

So, today, when I was listening to this song today, it suddenly struck me that how brazen that line of that song is. How dare we ask the Maker of the universe to reveal His heart to us? How day we ask Him to make his mysteries known? Are we allowed to pray for that? I hope so.

Adam got to walk with the God in the cool of the day. How amazing and humbling that must have been. I often make my own human, measly attempt to share my heart with the Lord. Can you imagine if He shared His right back? Again, I find myself in tears. Can you imagine if God, Master of the universe, considered me His confidant? What if God wanted to walk in the cool of the day with me, telling me about His day while I told Him about mine?

The crazy thing is that He totally does. He really does want me to be His friend. He wants to confide in me. He wants to reveal His heart to me. I find it strange that the thought actually humbles me. If the Man who owns the cattle on a thousand hills wanted to be your personal friend, wouldn't that make you the opposite of humble? But, it doesn't. Knowing that God desires to share His heart with me makes me cry. It makes me realize how tiny and insignificant I am. I see how blessed I am that He loves me and wants to share with me in spite of my disgusting human nature.

But, I also have to wonder, can I even handle the mysteries of Christ? Can I, with my pathetic human understanding, even begin to conceive the revelation of God's heart? I have this image of God telling me some great mystery and my brain exploding from the exertion. If God even shared an ounce of what must be in His heart, the compassion and understanding and wisdom and love, there is no way I could ever be the same. There is no way I could ever recover.

'Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me. Show me the mysteries of You. I'm scared and weak, but I want to know You. I want to be your confidant. I want to walk with you in the cool of the day. I am humbled that I am even allowed to approach You with this request. You are the Maker of the universe. You put the stars in their place and know them each by name. You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Alpha and Omega. You are the God of Abraham, of Issac, of Daniel and David. And, You have told me, ingsignificant, broken, disgusting little me, that I can boldly approach Your throne. And, today, I ask You to reveal Your heart to me. I want to be Your friend.'

Born Again

This will be a short post because I have to open in the morning. But, I have to share this before I literally explode. And, because of that, this may not be the most eloquent or profound. I just need to share my heart, just for a minute.

I have been listening to Third Day's Revelation non stop for the last two or three days. And, today, I have listened to the song 'Born Again' about three hundred times. I can't even post the most relevant lyrics because the entire song is amazing. I feel like they opened my heart and wrote down what they saw. So, listen to the song. If you don't have access to it, I will burn it for you.

More than once, I have broken down during this song (one time I was doing the dishes and I felt especially silly).

I really do feel born again. I can't remember what my life was like before my lastest connection with God. And, it's not like I ever fell away or abandoned God. I don't know what happened, but something did. And, now I can't remember what life was like before that something. I can't remember what it was like to not wake up and want to talk to Him. I can't remember what it was like before I was consumed with a love for Him. I can't remember what life was like before I saw my brokenness, before I saw Him heal me. I don't want to remember.

But, with all that amazing-ness, I am terrified. I have asked God countless times to make a promise that this will never end. I have asked Him to promise me that life with Him will always be just like this. And, He has shown me His love over and over and reassured me that He is never going anywhere. And, He has held me. I could never put into words what that feels like. All I know is that in His embrace, I find everything thing I have ever needed. I find that reassurance, courage, strength, and shelter.

And, I feel like, with His love, I am living for the first time. Every breath feels brand new. Every day is pregnant with promise. Every moment feels purposeful. I can see Him in the small things. There are moments that seem completely insignificant - driving down the road, drying my hair, or playing with the kids - when something makes me think of Him and I feel Him. I live for those moments.

I am completely in love with my Savior.

And, He has made me brand new. And, for the very first time, I am living.

Holy Meetcute, Batman!

Today's will not be a profound post. It will not be a post where I discover some deep spiritual truth (I don't think so, but often, I just stumble upon things mid-blog.). Hold on to your knickers, cause I'm freaking out.

Because that's what I do.

I freak out. I flip out. I get myself all worked into a nervous tizzy. I obsess. And, oh yes, I cyberstalk. I know...shameful.

Why?

It's always the same. It's always for a boy. When am I going to learn that this is something that I have got to put in God's hands? He is the only one who is capable of finding the right man for me. And, let me tell you...it's a task.

Because I freak out and flip out and work myself into a nervous tizzy. I'm always right. I'm smarter than you. I'm overly confident. I think I'm fat. I know I'm awesome. I obsess about everything. And, I'm a complete crazy person. Only God could find someone who would want to deal with all that for the rest of their lives.

Whenever I think I've spotted a potential, I throw myself into it completely. When am I going to learn to put on the brakes and give God the wheel? This is His job. And, I imagine, as I often do, that it's a job He takes rather seriously. I'm hoping that He has someone for me. The perfect someone. The ultimate someone. Why can't I just get out of His way?

He's God, for pete's sake (I wonder if this Pete is single...)! If He has someone for me, I should be confident that He has the power to orchestrate the meetcute.

I am absolutely ridiculous.

Daniel: My Hero

So, I'm reading Daniel today. It's one of my favorite books of the Bible. It has the most awesome stories (Daniel and the Lion's Den, Shadrach and company, etc.). But, really, it's about four boys who refused to conform. They were teenagers, really, when they were brought into Babylon. And, because they had the wisdom to seek God and stand up for what they believed in, they immediately found favor with Nebuchadnezzar.

First, they are brought in with a group of young men who have no blemish. They are housed in the king's house, fed the king's food, and have all the amenities of palace life. All but four of them, anyway. Daniel refused to defile himself with the king's food, so he makes a deal with the guy in charge. He says, 'Just bring me and my friends vegetables and water and if we don't look better than the rest of them in ten days, then we'll eat your food.' (I'm paraphrasing a little.) So, in ten days, they are undefiled and looking better than everyone else. So much better, in fact, that the head eunich and the king could not find anyone better than our four boys.

Nebuchadnezzar has a dream. He find this dream so troubling that he is losing sleep over it. So, he calls all of his 'wise' men to give an interpretation. (Wise men includes actual smart men, but also magicians, sorcerors and astrologers.) Here, I have to give King Neb his dues. He is no idiot. He knows that these magicians and astrologers are going to lie to him and tell him whatever they think he wants to hear so that they will find favor. So, he tells them, 'First, you have to tell me my dream. Then, give me the interpretation. If you can't do it, I'll chop you into a million tiny pieces.' Clearly, these so called 'wise' men are not so wise, because they tell the king that no one can do that. So, the king says, 'kill them all.'

They seek out David to kill him, but he asks the soldier for an audience with the king that he may try to interpret the dream. Once the king okays it, he runs to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and asks them to pray for him. In the end, Daniel is able to give the king the dream and the interpretation, find favor with the king, get a superawesome job for himself and his friends, and through the whole thing, Daniel is giving glory to God. And, he's giving glory to God right in the king's face too.

Then, and this is my favorite, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refuse to bow down before the statue. They tell the king, 'You can throw us in the furnace, but we will not bow down. We know that our God will deliver us out of the fiery furnace. And, if he doesn't, know that we will never worship your golden image.' So, they are thrown in the furnace and they are delivered. You know the story. And, King Nebuchadnezzar says, 'there is no other God who can deliver like this.'

And, that is only half the book. What I love the most about this book is the courage of these four boys. They were ripped out of their country, away from their home, told to worship false gods and eat strange foods. But, they didn't. They stood up for what they believed in. They begged God for wisdom in some situations. And, in the end, because they did what they knew was right, they found favor from a man who had no respect for their customs or religion. Even King Nebuchadnezzar had to recognize that there was something different about these boys.

They were living IN the world. But, somehow they managed to not be OF the world. When people all around them were pandering to the king, worshipping golden images and false gods, and following every crazy decree, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego made the hard choice. They knew that at any turn, they could lose favor and die. It could literally cost them their lives to follow God. But, they begged for wisdom and deliverance and carried on. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out of that fiery furnace, they didn't even smell like fire. Let me say that one more time, THEY DIDN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE FIRE.

Literally, I want to do a happy dance right now. I want to walk in a way that glorifies Him. I want to say to the king, 'I can do this because my God is awesome.' I want to do the hard thing, knowing that God will deliver me, but have the peace to know that if He chooses not to, I will still be in a better place. I want people to look at me and say, 'She doesn't even have the scent of the world on her.' How can anyone read the book of Daniel and not be encouraged? How can you not want to do a happy dance? People, we can do this! We can walk in a world of false gods, political corruption, and dirtiness. Not only can we walk, we can walk with God, glorifying Him. Sure, occasionally, we might need to beg for wisdom. But, in the end, we won't even smell like the world. Seriously, I just have to say that one more time, WE WILL NOT EVEN SMELL LIKE THE WORLD.

'God, wash the scent of this world away from me. Give me the courage to walk in Your light everyday. Give me the strength to stand up for you, even in the face of the king. Throw me in that fiery trial, but hold my hand. Give me the wisdom to deal with those trials. Give me the wisdom of Daniel and Shadrach and Meshach and Abednego. And, continue to wash the scent of the world off of me. Make me pure, holy, and acceptable to you. And, help me stay that way.'