I have come to worship...

I had a really crazy morning. I left for work early today, so that I could stop and get gas. I turned on the radio and then realized that all I really wanted to do was sing to Jesus. So, I switched off the radio and made some joyful noises of my own. I was so into worship, that I completely passed every single gas station from home to work. I ended up passing work and going to a gas station on Hall rd and then, being late for work. Oh well, it was a great car ride.



I think I really could sing of His love forever. How amazing would that be? I think that will be what Heaven is like. We will be worshiping in our own special ways, just loving Jesus for the rest of eternity, with no obstacles or distractions. That sounds like a blast. I'm totally in.



(Sidenote: During Rachel Getting Married, at the reception, everyone is dancing and a lady says, 'this is what heaven is like, just like this.' This particular part is on the tape of previews at BB. Every time it comes on, I groan inwardly. Hate it...)



Sometimes, I get concerned that my walk with God is just a ruse, a ruse so good that even I don't know. I'm afraid that I'm just doing lipservice so well that even I don't know the difference. What if all of this is just temporary? What if tomorrow something happens and I fall away again? Or, worse, what if nothing happens and I just don't feel so close to Him anymore? But, then, I worship. I just let all of my insecurities fall away. I let go of all of everything that happened to me that day and just think on God. In those moments, I know. I know that He is real and this is real. I live for those moments all day long. I crave those moments. I crave Him.

Love and Trust

Lately, I have been really surprised at how 'present' God seems to be in my life. A lot of times, I feel as though He is right there with me, spearking into my heart. For example, this morning I woke up crabby because someone was in the bathroom when I needed to be in the bathroom. Immediately, a song popped into my head:

'I want a say a prayer
Before my feet can hit the ground.
Lord, I give this day to you.'

While maybe that was God chastising me a bit, I appreciated it, embraced it even.

On the way to church this morning, we saw a sign for a house for $29,000. Dad said he'd give it to me if he had it. I said, 'Well, all things are possible with Him. Maybe we'll find it.' What did Will speak about in sunday school? He discussed how the impossible can be possible through God. And, sometimes, when I'm driving in my car or working on homework or drying my hair, I'll just be quiet for a minute, and I'll feel Him.

I am in constant awe that He would take so much time to be so near to someone as sinful and fickle as me. I am humbled that the King of Kings would care so much about one little struggling soul. I am absolutely in love because He has loved me first. I know that His Joy actually will be my strength. I am surprised at how I hunger to be in His presence for even just a minute. Somedays, I actually do live on prayer. I don't remember how I lived my life without this, but I don't want to go back. I don't want to live a day without the His tangible presence.

However, I do have one issue. I feel as though God is asking me to trust Him completely with my finances. I have always worked hard, paid my bills, and I've done it on my own. But, I think God is calling me to reset my priorities, and I think part of this would be to quit Blockbuster. Part of me really, REALLY wants to quit. But, the other part of me knows how much I need the money and the security. But, the truth is, the second job is cutting into my time significantly. I don't have the time to spend with God. I don't always get to go to church. I'm not always my best because I'm exhausted constantly. I want to trust Him completely in all areas of my life.

I am also concerned that one day I may not feel God so closely. In fact, I know that there will be seasons in my life when I won't feel like this. But, I feel like a newlywed. I am so absolutely in love with my Savior and I don't ever want it to change. So, I feel that cutting some of my man-made security is one of those sacrifices that will make this relationship all the better. I have to learn to depend on God for my daily bread, for my everything. This so scary.

Today, I ask, 'God, I believe. But, help my unbelief. I want to trust you, but I am scared. So, please, take you daughter's hand. Lead me. Walk with me. And, please, catch me when I fall, because I will. Clothe me as you clothe the birds. Be my provider.'

Show me how to love.

So, a few things have happened in my life recently that have caused me to question where exactly God’s path is leading me. This is especially true in my professional life. Some crazy things happened at work yesterday that left me feeling uncertain. It seems every time I think that I’m finally getting things under control, something comes out of left field. So, as I sat in my car, praying that God would give me some sort of peace or direction, this song popped into my head:

“Show me how to love
In the true meaning of the word.
Teach me to sacrifice,
Expecting nothing in return.
I want to give my life away,
Becoming more like you,
Each and every day.
My words are not enough.
Show me how to love.”

At first, I thought, “that’s weird. I haven’t thought about that song in ages.” Then I carried on with my praying. But, then I found I couldn’t stop singing it. It was stuck in my head the rest of the night. Then, it finally dawns on me that God is trying to tell me something.

This morning, I’m reading my Bible and decide to read the book of Ruth because the pastor was speaking about it on Sunday and my interest was peaked. Holy crap! Ruth was the example of that song. She chose to sacrifice her happiness completely and love Naomi, even if that meant leaving her home, her family, and her Gods. She followed Naomi to Bethlehem and was completely obedient. And, what did she get for all her trouble? A love story for the ages. She found complete fulfillment through her love of Naomi.

Now, I don’t think God was telling me that He has a love story for the ages waiting for me, but I’m hoping He’s got something up his sleeve. I think He’s telling me to rewrite my job description. It is no longer my job to teach or to discipline. It is not my job to gossip or socialize. It is my job to love those kids to the best of my ablility, through Him. And, maybe that means I might have to sacrifice that lead teacher position. But, in return, I will find fulfillment in Him, becoming more like Him every day. And, I think that’s a fair trade off. And, besides, these kids, they are not hard to love.

And, this time, I am left with only one question, “Who am I? Who am I that you would bless me so uniquely and so especially? Who am I that you would spend even one minute of your time with me?”

A Restlessness

I quit jobs when I don’t love them anymore. I know. It’s not a great way to get your bills paid, but I always seem to manage. I just don’t see the point of working for the sake of working. There should be something besides the paycheck that keeps you going into work every day. Either you love it, or the experience will pay off, or there’s that supercute guy in accounting, but there has to be something more than just the money.

I love working at the preschool. At least, I used to. Lately, it’s been a real struggle for me to muster any kind of enthusiasm for my job. Usually, once I get to work and I’m with the kids, I feel better, but not always. I used to really believe that God had brought me there for a reason. But, lately, I’ve been question that more and more. However, I am super blessed to work at a Christian organization with some really amazing women. So, I had a talk with my assistant director and these are some of the conclusions that I came to…

I think that God has called me to more than just diaper changes and meal times. Parents are entrusting me with their child. They are asking me to love them when they can’t be there. But, more importantly, they are asking me to minister to their children. I forgot. I forgot about all of those amazing opportunities I have to share the love of Christ with these fantastic little people.

I also forgot that it is not just my job to teach, it is my responsibility to learn. How many times in the Bible does God refer to a childlike faith? I get to experience that kind of faith every single day. I get to see the purity and innocence of a child and benefit from it. If I choose to pay attention, I can learn so much about the nature of our God and what my relationship with Him should be, and also about myself. How quickly do I lose patience when a child won’t ‘listen’ to me? How many times have I not ‘listened’ to God and has He ever lost patience?

Lastly, my assistant director termed my condition as a ‘restlessness’. And, that perhaps I’m placing all of the blame on work, when really, this restlessness could be coming from a lack of focus in my life, in general. Maybe this restlessness is growing pains. I have definitely noticed some serious positive growth in my life lately. But, because my actual life hasn’t changed that much, I think I’m starting to grow beyond the realm of my life, as it is now. I’m restless, maybe, because I can sense something big is coming in my life. Or, because I know that God is calling me to something greater and I know that I have to answer that call, however scary it may be.

So, it seems that once again, I have said, ‘God, why aren’t you moving? Why aren’t you giving me the desires of my heart? Why have you forgotten about me?’ And, God answers, in that still small voice of His, ‘Silly Constance, if only you knew the plans I have for you. If only you knew that I knit you together in your mother’s womb for a distinct purpose. If only you knew just how much I love you…If only you listened…’

Heartbeat

I just realized that the majority of my blogs are written late at night when I don't want to go to sleep...

I've been getting discouraged a lot lately. I know that I always complain about being twenty-five and still living in my parent's house and working two part time jobs. But, most of the time, even as I say this, I believe that God has a plan for me. Most of the time, I don't mind waiting. I've had some really amazing experiences in the time I've been 'waiting' for His ultimate plan. I remember during a class in college, we were talking about the concept of 'calling.' I believe that we are not called to a single station in life, but to a path. He has ordered our steps. He has built us a road to follow. And, while we may not know the final destination, he has little stops along the way, designed to teach us lessons and skills and things we need to know about ourselves, so the next stop will be even better.

In all of my knowing, I forget. I forget that God loves me. I forget that His desire is for me to know joy. I forget that He knit me together in my mother's womb. I forget that He called me by name. I forget that He longs to know me, to be with me, to love me and to be loved by me. I forget that He has a plan.

While I am forgetting, I am discouraged and frustrated. I am angry and upset. Sometimes, I yell at Him. Sometimes, I wonder if He is even listening. And, then I remember. I see a little glimmer of that joy that could be. Sometimes, it comes in a little way, like a little hand grabbing for mine. Sometimes, it's a word from a friend. And, sometimes, like today, it was a gentle tugging, a pulling, even. He was saying, 'I remember. I haven't forgotten.'

I know that I have shared with you before that I believe that God has a special name for each of us that only He knows. So, you know I'm given to certain fantasies. I have a special one about heartbeats. I've heard people say, 'his heart beats with mine' and whatnot. I have the thought that God can hear our heartbeats. That he can hear our desires and hopes and dreams, through the very beat of our hearts. Maybe it's silly, but today, I think God sang along with mine.

"Close your eyes and open your mind."

A couple of situations that have occured recently in my life, or in the lives of my friends (I know...let me vague it up a little more, right?), have prompted me to think a lot about being open-minded. I know that there are some Christians who believe having an open mind is a danger. But, it has always been my goal to be as open-minded as possible. But, are there limits on how open-minded I can be as a Christian?

God's love has no limits. He is no respector of persons. He loves me as much as He loves anyone else. He has called me to love like Him, as impossible as that is. God doesn't make judgements on a person based on what He sees on the outside. Granted, He does have the luxury of knowing what's going on under our carefully created facades. We are all His children, whether we accept that title or not.He has not only called us to love like Him, but to be His representative on this earth. He sent Jesus to be His representative as well, and He was the only one who could do the job perfectly. Jesus ate with publicans and sinners. He told Zaccheus that he would be visiting in his home. He hung out with Mary Magdalene. He did all these things, even as the pharisees were talking behind his back, plotting to have Him killed. He knew He would die, and still He loved.

Last week, I was subbing in the half-day preschool room. There are quite a few children in that class who's first language is not English. It is a really diverse classroom. One day, several of the kids were late, and the one little boy who was in there was concerned that he might be the only little boy that day. When another little boy came in, I said, look you aren't alone any more. The little boy who came in was one of the ESL'ers. And, the first little boy replied, "But, we don't match." I know he's three and didn't really mean anything by it, but it absolutely broke my heart.

One of my friends is currently in a situation (about which I must be very vague) where a Christian family is acting in a way that I don't think is very Christ-like. I wish I could tell you all of the details, but suffice to say that they are clearly being close-minded and jeopardizing the happiness of one very special little boy. And, not only are they standing in the way of a little boy's future, but they are tarnishing the witness that any Christian might have had in that situation.

I suppose I've said all that to say, that to me, having an open mind translates to being respectful of those around you who may be different. And, even beyond respect, as a Christian, God has called me to show His perfect love to those around Him. I am to be the physical representation of His love, the vessel through which He does his work. How can I do that if I avoid people with significant differences in faith, sexual orientation, lifestyle, or even just physical appearance? I want people to see me and see Jesus. I want people to see the Jesus in me and want a part of it. I don't want anyone to ever feel like they can't be their self around me because I'm a Christian.

Christmas Spirit

I'm not a huge fan of Christmas. I've always said that Christmas is for two kinds of people: children and couples. I am neither. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate presents and I certainly don't mind buying presents. But, the stress and the rush of Christmas are not my favorite. I kind of always feel like there is one more thing to do. Today, for example, I have been going non-stop since 8am. I try not to bah humbug up everyone else's holiday, but I'll probably be one of those people who takes a cruise at Christmas.
Anyway, I've said all of that to say this: today, I had the priviledge to see Christmas through the eyes of a few four year olds. It definitely brought a tear to my eye. They love it so much and its not just the presents either. They love Santa and Christmas songs and shopping with their mommies and daddies. They love decorating the tree and dressing up for parties. Sure, they are going to tear into those presents, but they really do love Christmas.
Today, during circle time, I was talking about Rudolph and how he had a special talent that he used to help out a friend (for the record, just in case Anita reads this, I did not say Santa. Okay, maybe they guessed it, but I didn't say it.). And, they started telling me their Santa stories. One little girl told me that last Christmas her sister heard Santa say 'ho ho ho,' but she didn't and that she was going to see if she could hear it this year. If you could have seen the sincerity and hope in her eyes. I can't even explain it. Then, a little girl tells me that she woke up in the middle of the night and heard noises on the roof, but by the time she got to her window he was gone. But, when she went downstairs, she saw all the presents and she just knew it was him. And, they take the whole 'better not pout' thing super seriously, by the way.
Yes, the real reason for the season is Jesus' birth and most of these kids know that. But, I think that Jesus would want us to celebrate the hope that these kids have. I think he would want to encourage their dreams and awaken their imaginations. And, Santa certainly does that. All the holiday movies and all the songs and the Christmas cards and parties couldn't teach me about Christmas what eight little four year olds showed me today.