I quit jobs when I don’t love them anymore. I know. It’s not a great way to get your bills paid, but I always seem to manage. I just don’t see the point of working for the sake of working. There should be something besides the paycheck that keeps you going into work every day. Either you love it, or the experience will pay off, or there’s that supercute guy in accounting, but there has to be something more than just the money.
I love working at the preschool. At least, I used to. Lately, it’s been a real struggle for me to muster any kind of enthusiasm for my job. Usually, once I get to work and I’m with the kids, I feel better, but not always. I used to really believe that God had brought me there for a reason. But, lately, I’ve been question that more and more. However, I am super blessed to work at a Christian organization with some really amazing women. So, I had a talk with my assistant director and these are some of the conclusions that I came to…
I think that God has called me to more than just diaper changes and meal times. Parents are entrusting me with their child. They are asking me to love them when they can’t be there. But, more importantly, they are asking me to minister to their children. I forgot. I forgot about all of those amazing opportunities I have to share the love of Christ with these fantastic little people.
I also forgot that it is not just my job to teach, it is my responsibility to learn. How many times in the Bible does God refer to a childlike faith? I get to experience that kind of faith every single day. I get to see the purity and innocence of a child and benefit from it. If I choose to pay attention, I can learn so much about the nature of our God and what my relationship with Him should be, and also about myself. How quickly do I lose patience when a child won’t ‘listen’ to me? How many times have I not ‘listened’ to God and has He ever lost patience?
Lastly, my assistant director termed my condition as a ‘restlessness’. And, that perhaps I’m placing all of the blame on work, when really, this restlessness could be coming from a lack of focus in my life, in general. Maybe this restlessness is growing pains. I have definitely noticed some serious positive growth in my life lately. But, because my actual life hasn’t changed that much, I think I’m starting to grow beyond the realm of my life, as it is now. I’m restless, maybe, because I can sense something big is coming in my life. Or, because I know that God is calling me to something greater and I know that I have to answer that call, however scary it may be.
So, it seems that once again, I have said, ‘God, why aren’t you moving? Why aren’t you giving me the desires of my heart? Why have you forgotten about me?’ And, God answers, in that still small voice of His, ‘Silly Constance, if only you knew the plans I have for you. If only you knew that I knit you together in your mother’s womb for a distinct purpose. If only you knew just how much I love you…If only you listened…’
Friday, May 1, 2009
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Heartbeat
I just realized that the majority of my blogs are written late at night when I don't want to go to sleep...
I've been getting discouraged a lot lately. I know that I always complain about being twenty-five and still living in my parent's house and working two part time jobs. But, most of the time, even as I say this, I believe that God has a plan for me. Most of the time, I don't mind waiting. I've had some really amazing experiences in the time I've been 'waiting' for His ultimate plan. I remember during a class in college, we were talking about the concept of 'calling.' I believe that we are not called to a single station in life, but to a path. He has ordered our steps. He has built us a road to follow. And, while we may not know the final destination, he has little stops along the way, designed to teach us lessons and skills and things we need to know about ourselves, so the next stop will be even better.
In all of my knowing, I forget. I forget that God loves me. I forget that His desire is for me to know joy. I forget that He knit me together in my mother's womb. I forget that He called me by name. I forget that He longs to know me, to be with me, to love me and to be loved by me. I forget that He has a plan.
While I am forgetting, I am discouraged and frustrated. I am angry and upset. Sometimes, I yell at Him. Sometimes, I wonder if He is even listening. And, then I remember. I see a little glimmer of that joy that could be. Sometimes, it comes in a little way, like a little hand grabbing for mine. Sometimes, it's a word from a friend. And, sometimes, like today, it was a gentle tugging, a pulling, even. He was saying, 'I remember. I haven't forgotten.'
I know that I have shared with you before that I believe that God has a special name for each of us that only He knows. So, you know I'm given to certain fantasies. I have a special one about heartbeats. I've heard people say, 'his heart beats with mine' and whatnot. I have the thought that God can hear our heartbeats. That he can hear our desires and hopes and dreams, through the very beat of our hearts. Maybe it's silly, but today, I think God sang along with mine.
I've been getting discouraged a lot lately. I know that I always complain about being twenty-five and still living in my parent's house and working two part time jobs. But, most of the time, even as I say this, I believe that God has a plan for me. Most of the time, I don't mind waiting. I've had some really amazing experiences in the time I've been 'waiting' for His ultimate plan. I remember during a class in college, we were talking about the concept of 'calling.' I believe that we are not called to a single station in life, but to a path. He has ordered our steps. He has built us a road to follow. And, while we may not know the final destination, he has little stops along the way, designed to teach us lessons and skills and things we need to know about ourselves, so the next stop will be even better.
In all of my knowing, I forget. I forget that God loves me. I forget that His desire is for me to know joy. I forget that He knit me together in my mother's womb. I forget that He called me by name. I forget that He longs to know me, to be with me, to love me and to be loved by me. I forget that He has a plan.
While I am forgetting, I am discouraged and frustrated. I am angry and upset. Sometimes, I yell at Him. Sometimes, I wonder if He is even listening. And, then I remember. I see a little glimmer of that joy that could be. Sometimes, it comes in a little way, like a little hand grabbing for mine. Sometimes, it's a word from a friend. And, sometimes, like today, it was a gentle tugging, a pulling, even. He was saying, 'I remember. I haven't forgotten.'
I know that I have shared with you before that I believe that God has a special name for each of us that only He knows. So, you know I'm given to certain fantasies. I have a special one about heartbeats. I've heard people say, 'his heart beats with mine' and whatnot. I have the thought that God can hear our heartbeats. That he can hear our desires and hopes and dreams, through the very beat of our hearts. Maybe it's silly, but today, I think God sang along with mine.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
"Close your eyes and open your mind."
A couple of situations that have occured recently in my life, or in the lives of my friends (I know...let me vague it up a little more, right?), have prompted me to think a lot about being open-minded. I know that there are some Christians who believe having an open mind is a danger. But, it has always been my goal to be as open-minded as possible. But, are there limits on how open-minded I can be as a Christian?
God's love has no limits. He is no respector of persons. He loves me as much as He loves anyone else. He has called me to love like Him, as impossible as that is. God doesn't make judgements on a person based on what He sees on the outside. Granted, He does have the luxury of knowing what's going on under our carefully created facades. We are all His children, whether we accept that title or not.He has not only called us to love like Him, but to be His representative on this earth. He sent Jesus to be His representative as well, and He was the only one who could do the job perfectly. Jesus ate with publicans and sinners. He told Zaccheus that he would be visiting in his home. He hung out with Mary Magdalene. He did all these things, even as the pharisees were talking behind his back, plotting to have Him killed. He knew He would die, and still He loved.
Last week, I was subbing in the half-day preschool room. There are quite a few children in that class who's first language is not English. It is a really diverse classroom. One day, several of the kids were late, and the one little boy who was in there was concerned that he might be the only little boy that day. When another little boy came in, I said, look you aren't alone any more. The little boy who came in was one of the ESL'ers. And, the first little boy replied, "But, we don't match." I know he's three and didn't really mean anything by it, but it absolutely broke my heart.
One of my friends is currently in a situation (about which I must be very vague) where a Christian family is acting in a way that I don't think is very Christ-like. I wish I could tell you all of the details, but suffice to say that they are clearly being close-minded and jeopardizing the happiness of one very special little boy. And, not only are they standing in the way of a little boy's future, but they are tarnishing the witness that any Christian might have had in that situation.
I suppose I've said all that to say, that to me, having an open mind translates to being respectful of those around you who may be different. And, even beyond respect, as a Christian, God has called me to show His perfect love to those around Him. I am to be the physical representation of His love, the vessel through which He does his work. How can I do that if I avoid people with significant differences in faith, sexual orientation, lifestyle, or even just physical appearance? I want people to see me and see Jesus. I want people to see the Jesus in me and want a part of it. I don't want anyone to ever feel like they can't be their self around me because I'm a Christian.
God's love has no limits. He is no respector of persons. He loves me as much as He loves anyone else. He has called me to love like Him, as impossible as that is. God doesn't make judgements on a person based on what He sees on the outside. Granted, He does have the luxury of knowing what's going on under our carefully created facades. We are all His children, whether we accept that title or not.He has not only called us to love like Him, but to be His representative on this earth. He sent Jesus to be His representative as well, and He was the only one who could do the job perfectly. Jesus ate with publicans and sinners. He told Zaccheus that he would be visiting in his home. He hung out with Mary Magdalene. He did all these things, even as the pharisees were talking behind his back, plotting to have Him killed. He knew He would die, and still He loved.
Last week, I was subbing in the half-day preschool room. There are quite a few children in that class who's first language is not English. It is a really diverse classroom. One day, several of the kids were late, and the one little boy who was in there was concerned that he might be the only little boy that day. When another little boy came in, I said, look you aren't alone any more. The little boy who came in was one of the ESL'ers. And, the first little boy replied, "But, we don't match." I know he's three and didn't really mean anything by it, but it absolutely broke my heart.
One of my friends is currently in a situation (about which I must be very vague) where a Christian family is acting in a way that I don't think is very Christ-like. I wish I could tell you all of the details, but suffice to say that they are clearly being close-minded and jeopardizing the happiness of one very special little boy. And, not only are they standing in the way of a little boy's future, but they are tarnishing the witness that any Christian might have had in that situation.
I suppose I've said all that to say, that to me, having an open mind translates to being respectful of those around you who may be different. And, even beyond respect, as a Christian, God has called me to show His perfect love to those around Him. I am to be the physical representation of His love, the vessel through which He does his work. How can I do that if I avoid people with significant differences in faith, sexual orientation, lifestyle, or even just physical appearance? I want people to see me and see Jesus. I want people to see the Jesus in me and want a part of it. I don't want anyone to ever feel like they can't be their self around me because I'm a Christian.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Christmas Spirit
I'm not a huge fan of Christmas. I've always said that Christmas is for two kinds of people: children and couples. I am neither. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate presents and I certainly don't mind buying presents. But, the stress and the rush of Christmas are not my favorite. I kind of always feel like there is one more thing to do. Today, for example, I have been going non-stop since 8am. I try not to bah humbug up everyone else's holiday, but I'll probably be one of those people who takes a cruise at Christmas.
Anyway, I've said all of that to say this: today, I had the priviledge to see Christmas through the eyes of a few four year olds. It definitely brought a tear to my eye. They love it so much and its not just the presents either. They love Santa and Christmas songs and shopping with their mommies and daddies. They love decorating the tree and dressing up for parties. Sure, they are going to tear into those presents, but they really do love Christmas.
Today, during circle time, I was talking about Rudolph and how he had a special talent that he used to help out a friend (for the record, just in case Anita reads this, I did not say Santa. Okay, maybe they guessed it, but I didn't say it.). And, they started telling me their Santa stories. One little girl told me that last Christmas her sister heard Santa say 'ho ho ho,' but she didn't and that she was going to see if she could hear it this year. If you could have seen the sincerity and hope in her eyes. I can't even explain it. Then, a little girl tells me that she woke up in the middle of the night and heard noises on the roof, but by the time she got to her window he was gone. But, when she went downstairs, she saw all the presents and she just knew it was him. And, they take the whole 'better not pout' thing super seriously, by the way.
Yes, the real reason for the season is Jesus' birth and most of these kids know that. But, I think that Jesus would want us to celebrate the hope that these kids have. I think he would want to encourage their dreams and awaken their imaginations. And, Santa certainly does that. All the holiday movies and all the songs and the Christmas cards and parties couldn't teach me about Christmas what eight little four year olds showed me today.
Anyway, I've said all of that to say this: today, I had the priviledge to see Christmas through the eyes of a few four year olds. It definitely brought a tear to my eye. They love it so much and its not just the presents either. They love Santa and Christmas songs and shopping with their mommies and daddies. They love decorating the tree and dressing up for parties. Sure, they are going to tear into those presents, but they really do love Christmas.
Today, during circle time, I was talking about Rudolph and how he had a special talent that he used to help out a friend (for the record, just in case Anita reads this, I did not say Santa. Okay, maybe they guessed it, but I didn't say it.). And, they started telling me their Santa stories. One little girl told me that last Christmas her sister heard Santa say 'ho ho ho,' but she didn't and that she was going to see if she could hear it this year. If you could have seen the sincerity and hope in her eyes. I can't even explain it. Then, a little girl tells me that she woke up in the middle of the night and heard noises on the roof, but by the time she got to her window he was gone. But, when she went downstairs, she saw all the presents and she just knew it was him. And, they take the whole 'better not pout' thing super seriously, by the way.
Yes, the real reason for the season is Jesus' birth and most of these kids know that. But, I think that Jesus would want us to celebrate the hope that these kids have. I think he would want to encourage their dreams and awaken their imaginations. And, Santa certainly does that. All the holiday movies and all the songs and the Christmas cards and parties couldn't teach me about Christmas what eight little four year olds showed me today.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
UR GR8 <3
Okay, I know I'm not much of a dater. So, I accept that maybe there are some rules and rites of which I am not entirely aware. I know I'm socially awkward and that maybe I didn't develop socially as fully as I should have. I blame it on private school. Call me crazy, call me awkward, call me socially stunted, but I think that, as a lady, I should be treated a certain way.
So, let me tell you a story. A story about a girl who gave her phone number to a guy. The particulars of how she met the boy are not important. But, he asked for her number and she gave it. Lucky fellow, if you ask me. He has her personal phone number and you may be asking, 'what does he do with it?' Oh, I'll tell you what this boy does with the phone number. He sends the girl a text message.
Again, maybe I'm really out of the dating loop, but a text message? I remember a day when a girl would sit by the phone waiting for the nervous phone call from that special boy. But, now, we just reduce the conversation down to one short sentence, in text speak might I add, and then send it over the airwaves. Did he not want to waste his minutes? Or, maybe it was his time he didn't want to waste. I can only imagine what the relationship would be like: dinners at mcdonalds, movies downloaded from netflix, and ecards for anniversaries.
I think I, and I think you, deserve a bit more than a text messaged date invite. I deserve to be chased, to be pursued, to be called, for heaven's sake. Does the romance have to be sucked out of everything? I know we're not in the movies and love rarely happens like it does in Hollywood, but can't it even be close? I think I deserve a little disney magic.
So, let me tell you a story. A story about a girl who gave her phone number to a guy. The particulars of how she met the boy are not important. But, he asked for her number and she gave it. Lucky fellow, if you ask me. He has her personal phone number and you may be asking, 'what does he do with it?' Oh, I'll tell you what this boy does with the phone number. He sends the girl a text message.
Again, maybe I'm really out of the dating loop, but a text message? I remember a day when a girl would sit by the phone waiting for the nervous phone call from that special boy. But, now, we just reduce the conversation down to one short sentence, in text speak might I add, and then send it over the airwaves. Did he not want to waste his minutes? Or, maybe it was his time he didn't want to waste. I can only imagine what the relationship would be like: dinners at mcdonalds, movies downloaded from netflix, and ecards for anniversaries.
I think I, and I think you, deserve a bit more than a text messaged date invite. I deserve to be chased, to be pursued, to be called, for heaven's sake. Does the romance have to be sucked out of everything? I know we're not in the movies and love rarely happens like it does in Hollywood, but can't it even be close? I think I deserve a little disney magic.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Perfect Man
I know you're shocked I'm writing another blog so soon, but its kind of therapeutic for me. Deal with it. I've had a rough night. And, some of the 'stuff' that happened tonight got me thinking about what I'm looking for in life.
I don't think it will be a surprise to anyone that knows me very well that I'm not really sure of my ultimate direction in life. I'm pretty content to just enjoy the ride. I like to take things as they come and deal with them as they happen. I'm really not much of a planner. I don't have a five or ten year plan. Absolutely, I am not exactly where I want to be in life, but there's not much I can do about it. I try really, really hard to make the best of what I've been given. I'm not very good at it though, admittedly. But, as I was thinking about where my life was going, my mind wandered to what I'm looking for in a relationship. One word came to my mind: honesty.
The hardest part of any new relationship for me is the 'getting to know you.' I find it awkward and strange. I just want to jump to the place where you feel like you've known each other for years. Unfortunately, the universe does not let you jump around like that, so you have to put time and energy into getting to know that person and letting them into your life. That's always awkward and difficult. But, the rewards are so worth the pain of bearing yourself to someone else. There is nothing like having someone who knows completely and still thinks you're cool.
So, when I say I want honesty in a relationship, I want complete honesty. I want to bare all my broken parts to someone. I want to tell all my dark secrets. I want to reveal every flaw, every mistake I've ever made, every weakness. I don't want them to just see my strengths or the facade I put up. I want that man to know everything there is to know about me. I want him to be there at my most vulnerable. See me without make up, see me cry, hear me get angry, be around when I'm wrong. See me at my ugliest and tell me I'm beautiful. Know all my broken parts and love me.
Because life is hard. Marriage is harder. I'm damaged and broken. I have pain and I have caused pain. I might make you cry, you will undoubtedly make me cry. I can be flakey and indecisive. I don't want to settle down. But, I want you here, through the good and the bad, the comfortable and the scary, the rich and the poor. The perfect man would know me completely and still love me unconditionally.
I don't think it will be a surprise to anyone that knows me very well that I'm not really sure of my ultimate direction in life. I'm pretty content to just enjoy the ride. I like to take things as they come and deal with them as they happen. I'm really not much of a planner. I don't have a five or ten year plan. Absolutely, I am not exactly where I want to be in life, but there's not much I can do about it. I try really, really hard to make the best of what I've been given. I'm not very good at it though, admittedly. But, as I was thinking about where my life was going, my mind wandered to what I'm looking for in a relationship. One word came to my mind: honesty.
The hardest part of any new relationship for me is the 'getting to know you.' I find it awkward and strange. I just want to jump to the place where you feel like you've known each other for years. Unfortunately, the universe does not let you jump around like that, so you have to put time and energy into getting to know that person and letting them into your life. That's always awkward and difficult. But, the rewards are so worth the pain of bearing yourself to someone else. There is nothing like having someone who knows completely and still thinks you're cool.
So, when I say I want honesty in a relationship, I want complete honesty. I want to bare all my broken parts to someone. I want to tell all my dark secrets. I want to reveal every flaw, every mistake I've ever made, every weakness. I don't want them to just see my strengths or the facade I put up. I want that man to know everything there is to know about me. I want him to be there at my most vulnerable. See me without make up, see me cry, hear me get angry, be around when I'm wrong. See me at my ugliest and tell me I'm beautiful. Know all my broken parts and love me.
Because life is hard. Marriage is harder. I'm damaged and broken. I have pain and I have caused pain. I might make you cry, you will undoubtedly make me cry. I can be flakey and indecisive. I don't want to settle down. But, I want you here, through the good and the bad, the comfortable and the scary, the rich and the poor. The perfect man would know me completely and still love me unconditionally.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Know Your Name
First of all, let's just stop and acknowledge just how long its been since I posted a blog. I'll wait while you do that...yeah, it really has been that long. I had kind of a rough day. And, I suppose that's what prompted this blog. That, and a Jason Mraz song, Details in the Fabric. I won't post all of the lyrics cause it drives me crazy when you do it. Here is the significant part:
If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken heart then face it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own name
This struck me because lately I have been obsessed with names. I think names are so ridiculously important. I don't think we really give names their due. I have a pet peeve, maybe a silly one, but a pet peeve nonetheless. I absolutely hate when expectant parents tell everyone the name of their child-to-be before they give birth. I think names are so intensely personal. God places so much importance on names in the Bible. He changes them when something significant happens in a person's life (i.e., Paul, the artist formerly known as Saul). He says He has called us by name.
Sometimes, I imagine that God has a name for each and every one of us, even before we are born. There's something about that image - God having a secret name for us (and probably a handshake cause God is pretty cool like that) - that makes me feel so loved. I know the Bible says He formed each one of us in the womb. But, He kind of has to do that. Who else can? But, He took the time to name us and call us and get to know us. You don't name things unless you care about them. Have you named your couch?
So when Jason, cause we're so tight I call him by his first name, says 'know your own name' that's a pretty powerful image for me. Obviously, we all know our names, and I think most of you are intelligent enough to know that he's saying know yourself. Know who you are. There are people who spend their entire lives trying to find themselves. And, the truth is, we probably all should engage in a little self-discovery every once in a while, as painful as it can be to turn that light inward.
Really, there is so much I want to say about that short little piece of lyric. Know your name and go your own way. Find yourself and do what it takes to be that person you need to be. So much easier said than done. Especially, when life sees fit to throw you insane obstacles. But, you just have to deal with all those broken parts. You just have to find a way to cope with the situations you've been given.
Oh, but friends, there's one thing we can't forget as we struggle to find ourselves and take that road less traveled, all while dealing with life. We have an advantage. God knows our name. He calls us by that name. He even knows our broken parts. And, He still wants to hang out with us and practice that secret handshake.
If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken heart then face it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own name
This struck me because lately I have been obsessed with names. I think names are so ridiculously important. I don't think we really give names their due. I have a pet peeve, maybe a silly one, but a pet peeve nonetheless. I absolutely hate when expectant parents tell everyone the name of their child-to-be before they give birth. I think names are so intensely personal. God places so much importance on names in the Bible. He changes them when something significant happens in a person's life (i.e., Paul, the artist formerly known as Saul). He says He has called us by name.
Sometimes, I imagine that God has a name for each and every one of us, even before we are born. There's something about that image - God having a secret name for us (and probably a handshake cause God is pretty cool like that) - that makes me feel so loved. I know the Bible says He formed each one of us in the womb. But, He kind of has to do that. Who else can? But, He took the time to name us and call us and get to know us. You don't name things unless you care about them. Have you named your couch?
So when Jason, cause we're so tight I call him by his first name, says 'know your own name' that's a pretty powerful image for me. Obviously, we all know our names, and I think most of you are intelligent enough to know that he's saying know yourself. Know who you are. There are people who spend their entire lives trying to find themselves. And, the truth is, we probably all should engage in a little self-discovery every once in a while, as painful as it can be to turn that light inward.
Really, there is so much I want to say about that short little piece of lyric. Know your name and go your own way. Find yourself and do what it takes to be that person you need to be. So much easier said than done. Especially, when life sees fit to throw you insane obstacles. But, you just have to deal with all those broken parts. You just have to find a way to cope with the situations you've been given.
Oh, but friends, there's one thing we can't forget as we struggle to find ourselves and take that road less traveled, all while dealing with life. We have an advantage. God knows our name. He calls us by that name. He even knows our broken parts. And, He still wants to hang out with us and practice that secret handshake.
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