Ouch.

Today, I have run the entire spectrum of emotions. I'm pretty sure that God is trying to teach me some lessons. Lessons that I probably desperately need. And, I'm a learner. In my opinion, that's what makes me such a great teacher. However, these are some tough lessons to learn. Especially considering that I'm not entirely sure what He is trying to teach me.

I know this: that every trial I encounter, He is with me, working on me to make me a better version of who I am. I know that these trials could be painful. I know that these lessons may bring a little chastisement with them. And, I know when it's all over, I'll be a better, stonger person. I'll look a little more like my Jesus.

But, holy crap, this is hard. I know that God is working to humble me and that is absolutely no fun. But, I think, especially today, He is showing me that He is really all I need. He is saying, I am your portion. And, I don't mean in the daily bread sense. I mean in the emotional fulfillment sense. Today, I believe that God was telling me that until I realize He is all I need, He can't give me the desires of my heart.

Let's be honest. I could be completely wrong. God could be telling me that I need to stay away from the color purple or something. But, I think I'm pretty close here. These words are hard to hear. It's hard to know that all of this time, I have been waiting on God, thinking He was just taking His time, when really, He has been waiting on me to get my act together. It's so easy to blame God, or even just circumstances, but to take the blame myself...that's rough.

Reveal Your heart to me.

There is a line in a Third Day song that says, 'Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me.'

I love that line. I always have. I'm a word person. I like pretty phrasing, especially when it's sung. That's why I love to read Paul's letters. He has a way with words (at least, when he isn't getting all technical). I was reading in First Corinthians today and he refers to the 'mysteries' of salvation and of Christ.

So, today, when I was listening to this song today, it suddenly struck me that how brazen that line of that song is. How dare we ask the Maker of the universe to reveal His heart to us? How day we ask Him to make his mysteries known? Are we allowed to pray for that? I hope so.

Adam got to walk with the God in the cool of the day. How amazing and humbling that must have been. I often make my own human, measly attempt to share my heart with the Lord. Can you imagine if He shared His right back? Again, I find myself in tears. Can you imagine if God, Master of the universe, considered me His confidant? What if God wanted to walk in the cool of the day with me, telling me about His day while I told Him about mine?

The crazy thing is that He totally does. He really does want me to be His friend. He wants to confide in me. He wants to reveal His heart to me. I find it strange that the thought actually humbles me. If the Man who owns the cattle on a thousand hills wanted to be your personal friend, wouldn't that make you the opposite of humble? But, it doesn't. Knowing that God desires to share His heart with me makes me cry. It makes me realize how tiny and insignificant I am. I see how blessed I am that He loves me and wants to share with me in spite of my disgusting human nature.

But, I also have to wonder, can I even handle the mysteries of Christ? Can I, with my pathetic human understanding, even begin to conceive the revelation of God's heart? I have this image of God telling me some great mystery and my brain exploding from the exertion. If God even shared an ounce of what must be in His heart, the compassion and understanding and wisdom and love, there is no way I could ever be the same. There is no way I could ever recover.

'Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me. Show me the mysteries of You. I'm scared and weak, but I want to know You. I want to be your confidant. I want to walk with you in the cool of the day. I am humbled that I am even allowed to approach You with this request. You are the Maker of the universe. You put the stars in their place and know them each by name. You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Alpha and Omega. You are the God of Abraham, of Issac, of Daniel and David. And, You have told me, ingsignificant, broken, disgusting little me, that I can boldly approach Your throne. And, today, I ask You to reveal Your heart to me. I want to be Your friend.'

Born Again

This will be a short post because I have to open in the morning. But, I have to share this before I literally explode. And, because of that, this may not be the most eloquent or profound. I just need to share my heart, just for a minute.

I have been listening to Third Day's Revelation non stop for the last two or three days. And, today, I have listened to the song 'Born Again' about three hundred times. I can't even post the most relevant lyrics because the entire song is amazing. I feel like they opened my heart and wrote down what they saw. So, listen to the song. If you don't have access to it, I will burn it for you.

More than once, I have broken down during this song (one time I was doing the dishes and I felt especially silly).

I really do feel born again. I can't remember what my life was like before my lastest connection with God. And, it's not like I ever fell away or abandoned God. I don't know what happened, but something did. And, now I can't remember what life was like before that something. I can't remember what it was like to not wake up and want to talk to Him. I can't remember what it was like before I was consumed with a love for Him. I can't remember what life was like before I saw my brokenness, before I saw Him heal me. I don't want to remember.

But, with all that amazing-ness, I am terrified. I have asked God countless times to make a promise that this will never end. I have asked Him to promise me that life with Him will always be just like this. And, He has shown me His love over and over and reassured me that He is never going anywhere. And, He has held me. I could never put into words what that feels like. All I know is that in His embrace, I find everything thing I have ever needed. I find that reassurance, courage, strength, and shelter.

And, I feel like, with His love, I am living for the first time. Every breath feels brand new. Every day is pregnant with promise. Every moment feels purposeful. I can see Him in the small things. There are moments that seem completely insignificant - driving down the road, drying my hair, or playing with the kids - when something makes me think of Him and I feel Him. I live for those moments.

I am completely in love with my Savior.

And, He has made me brand new. And, for the very first time, I am living.

Holy Meetcute, Batman!

Today's will not be a profound post. It will not be a post where I discover some deep spiritual truth (I don't think so, but often, I just stumble upon things mid-blog.). Hold on to your knickers, cause I'm freaking out.

Because that's what I do.

I freak out. I flip out. I get myself all worked into a nervous tizzy. I obsess. And, oh yes, I cyberstalk. I know...shameful.

Why?

It's always the same. It's always for a boy. When am I going to learn that this is something that I have got to put in God's hands? He is the only one who is capable of finding the right man for me. And, let me tell you...it's a task.

Because I freak out and flip out and work myself into a nervous tizzy. I'm always right. I'm smarter than you. I'm overly confident. I think I'm fat. I know I'm awesome. I obsess about everything. And, I'm a complete crazy person. Only God could find someone who would want to deal with all that for the rest of their lives.

Whenever I think I've spotted a potential, I throw myself into it completely. When am I going to learn to put on the brakes and give God the wheel? This is His job. And, I imagine, as I often do, that it's a job He takes rather seriously. I'm hoping that He has someone for me. The perfect someone. The ultimate someone. Why can't I just get out of His way?

He's God, for pete's sake (I wonder if this Pete is single...)! If He has someone for me, I should be confident that He has the power to orchestrate the meetcute.

I am absolutely ridiculous.

Daniel: My Hero

So, I'm reading Daniel today. It's one of my favorite books of the Bible. It has the most awesome stories (Daniel and the Lion's Den, Shadrach and company, etc.). But, really, it's about four boys who refused to conform. They were teenagers, really, when they were brought into Babylon. And, because they had the wisdom to seek God and stand up for what they believed in, they immediately found favor with Nebuchadnezzar.

First, they are brought in with a group of young men who have no blemish. They are housed in the king's house, fed the king's food, and have all the amenities of palace life. All but four of them, anyway. Daniel refused to defile himself with the king's food, so he makes a deal with the guy in charge. He says, 'Just bring me and my friends vegetables and water and if we don't look better than the rest of them in ten days, then we'll eat your food.' (I'm paraphrasing a little.) So, in ten days, they are undefiled and looking better than everyone else. So much better, in fact, that the head eunich and the king could not find anyone better than our four boys.

Nebuchadnezzar has a dream. He find this dream so troubling that he is losing sleep over it. So, he calls all of his 'wise' men to give an interpretation. (Wise men includes actual smart men, but also magicians, sorcerors and astrologers.) Here, I have to give King Neb his dues. He is no idiot. He knows that these magicians and astrologers are going to lie to him and tell him whatever they think he wants to hear so that they will find favor. So, he tells them, 'First, you have to tell me my dream. Then, give me the interpretation. If you can't do it, I'll chop you into a million tiny pieces.' Clearly, these so called 'wise' men are not so wise, because they tell the king that no one can do that. So, the king says, 'kill them all.'

They seek out David to kill him, but he asks the soldier for an audience with the king that he may try to interpret the dream. Once the king okays it, he runs to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and asks them to pray for him. In the end, Daniel is able to give the king the dream and the interpretation, find favor with the king, get a superawesome job for himself and his friends, and through the whole thing, Daniel is giving glory to God. And, he's giving glory to God right in the king's face too.

Then, and this is my favorite, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refuse to bow down before the statue. They tell the king, 'You can throw us in the furnace, but we will not bow down. We know that our God will deliver us out of the fiery furnace. And, if he doesn't, know that we will never worship your golden image.' So, they are thrown in the furnace and they are delivered. You know the story. And, King Nebuchadnezzar says, 'there is no other God who can deliver like this.'

And, that is only half the book. What I love the most about this book is the courage of these four boys. They were ripped out of their country, away from their home, told to worship false gods and eat strange foods. But, they didn't. They stood up for what they believed in. They begged God for wisdom in some situations. And, in the end, because they did what they knew was right, they found favor from a man who had no respect for their customs or religion. Even King Nebuchadnezzar had to recognize that there was something different about these boys.

They were living IN the world. But, somehow they managed to not be OF the world. When people all around them were pandering to the king, worshipping golden images and false gods, and following every crazy decree, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego made the hard choice. They knew that at any turn, they could lose favor and die. It could literally cost them their lives to follow God. But, they begged for wisdom and deliverance and carried on. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out of that fiery furnace, they didn't even smell like fire. Let me say that one more time, THEY DIDN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE FIRE.

Literally, I want to do a happy dance right now. I want to walk in a way that glorifies Him. I want to say to the king, 'I can do this because my God is awesome.' I want to do the hard thing, knowing that God will deliver me, but have the peace to know that if He chooses not to, I will still be in a better place. I want people to look at me and say, 'She doesn't even have the scent of the world on her.' How can anyone read the book of Daniel and not be encouraged? How can you not want to do a happy dance? People, we can do this! We can walk in a world of false gods, political corruption, and dirtiness. Not only can we walk, we can walk with God, glorifying Him. Sure, occasionally, we might need to beg for wisdom. But, in the end, we won't even smell like the world. Seriously, I just have to say that one more time, WE WILL NOT EVEN SMELL LIKE THE WORLD.

'God, wash the scent of this world away from me. Give me the courage to walk in Your light everyday. Give me the strength to stand up for you, even in the face of the king. Throw me in that fiery trial, but hold my hand. Give me the wisdom to deal with those trials. Give me the wisdom of Daniel and Shadrach and Meshach and Abednego. And, continue to wash the scent of the world off of me. Make me pure, holy, and acceptable to you. And, help me stay that way.'

Broken Parts

So, I told you yesterday about how I was completely dissatisfied listening to the radio, right? Well, I burned a fantastic cd, but then forgot to put it in my car. I couldn't handling listening to one more song on the radio, so I popped in Ingrid Michaelson's 'Be Ok'. The title track includes these lyrics:

'Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts'

I am a gallery of broken parts. I've had my hart bruised, my ego trampled on, my self esteem ripped in half. We all have. We all come with baggage whether we like to admit it or not. There are parts of me that are ugly and broken. I don't want anyone to see these parts. I don't want anyone to open me up and see the gallery of mistakes and disappointments and hurts that have brought me to this place. And, even if those parts have healed, there is still scarring, horrible dark scars.

But, Ingrid, I'm not beyond repair. I know a man who can heal my broken parts so completely and absolutely that there won't be any scarring. I know a man who has opened me up, walked through my gallery of broken parts and saw something beautiful. He saw something worth repairing.

Even as I write this, I weep. I am overwhelmed. I know my broken parts. I know what He saw when He opened me up. I know what He took from me. And, I know what He gave me in return. And, it's not just like He took those broken parts and threw them in some nasty storage closet. No, He took them into Himself, walked up to that cross and died with those broken parts. He did all of that so that I, vile, wretched, broken sinner that I am, could be made whole.

Again, I find myself saying, 'Who am I? Who am I that you could do this for me? What could You have possibly seen in me that would have made all of this worth it? What beauty is there in my broken parts?' But, I know that any beauty anyone may see is His doing. Any good that can be found in this broken flesh is Him. I am beautiful only because He loves me. I am whole because He loves me. I am able to love because He loves me.

I have come to worship...

I had a really crazy morning. I left for work early today, so that I could stop and get gas. I turned on the radio and then realized that all I really wanted to do was sing to Jesus. So, I switched off the radio and made some joyful noises of my own. I was so into worship, that I completely passed every single gas station from home to work. I ended up passing work and going to a gas station on Hall rd and then, being late for work. Oh well, it was a great car ride.



I think I really could sing of His love forever. How amazing would that be? I think that will be what Heaven is like. We will be worshiping in our own special ways, just loving Jesus for the rest of eternity, with no obstacles or distractions. That sounds like a blast. I'm totally in.



(Sidenote: During Rachel Getting Married, at the reception, everyone is dancing and a lady says, 'this is what heaven is like, just like this.' This particular part is on the tape of previews at BB. Every time it comes on, I groan inwardly. Hate it...)



Sometimes, I get concerned that my walk with God is just a ruse, a ruse so good that even I don't know. I'm afraid that I'm just doing lipservice so well that even I don't know the difference. What if all of this is just temporary? What if tomorrow something happens and I fall away again? Or, worse, what if nothing happens and I just don't feel so close to Him anymore? But, then, I worship. I just let all of my insecurities fall away. I let go of all of everything that happened to me that day and just think on God. In those moments, I know. I know that He is real and this is real. I live for those moments all day long. I crave those moments. I crave Him.

Love and Trust

Lately, I have been really surprised at how 'present' God seems to be in my life. A lot of times, I feel as though He is right there with me, spearking into my heart. For example, this morning I woke up crabby because someone was in the bathroom when I needed to be in the bathroom. Immediately, a song popped into my head:

'I want a say a prayer
Before my feet can hit the ground.
Lord, I give this day to you.'

While maybe that was God chastising me a bit, I appreciated it, embraced it even.

On the way to church this morning, we saw a sign for a house for $29,000. Dad said he'd give it to me if he had it. I said, 'Well, all things are possible with Him. Maybe we'll find it.' What did Will speak about in sunday school? He discussed how the impossible can be possible through God. And, sometimes, when I'm driving in my car or working on homework or drying my hair, I'll just be quiet for a minute, and I'll feel Him.

I am in constant awe that He would take so much time to be so near to someone as sinful and fickle as me. I am humbled that the King of Kings would care so much about one little struggling soul. I am absolutely in love because He has loved me first. I know that His Joy actually will be my strength. I am surprised at how I hunger to be in His presence for even just a minute. Somedays, I actually do live on prayer. I don't remember how I lived my life without this, but I don't want to go back. I don't want to live a day without the His tangible presence.

However, I do have one issue. I feel as though God is asking me to trust Him completely with my finances. I have always worked hard, paid my bills, and I've done it on my own. But, I think God is calling me to reset my priorities, and I think part of this would be to quit Blockbuster. Part of me really, REALLY wants to quit. But, the other part of me knows how much I need the money and the security. But, the truth is, the second job is cutting into my time significantly. I don't have the time to spend with God. I don't always get to go to church. I'm not always my best because I'm exhausted constantly. I want to trust Him completely in all areas of my life.

I am also concerned that one day I may not feel God so closely. In fact, I know that there will be seasons in my life when I won't feel like this. But, I feel like a newlywed. I am so absolutely in love with my Savior and I don't ever want it to change. So, I feel that cutting some of my man-made security is one of those sacrifices that will make this relationship all the better. I have to learn to depend on God for my daily bread, for my everything. This so scary.

Today, I ask, 'God, I believe. But, help my unbelief. I want to trust you, but I am scared. So, please, take you daughter's hand. Lead me. Walk with me. And, please, catch me when I fall, because I will. Clothe me as you clothe the birds. Be my provider.'

Show me how to love.

So, a few things have happened in my life recently that have caused me to question where exactly God’s path is leading me. This is especially true in my professional life. Some crazy things happened at work yesterday that left me feeling uncertain. It seems every time I think that I’m finally getting things under control, something comes out of left field. So, as I sat in my car, praying that God would give me some sort of peace or direction, this song popped into my head:

“Show me how to love
In the true meaning of the word.
Teach me to sacrifice,
Expecting nothing in return.
I want to give my life away,
Becoming more like you,
Each and every day.
My words are not enough.
Show me how to love.”

At first, I thought, “that’s weird. I haven’t thought about that song in ages.” Then I carried on with my praying. But, then I found I couldn’t stop singing it. It was stuck in my head the rest of the night. Then, it finally dawns on me that God is trying to tell me something.

This morning, I’m reading my Bible and decide to read the book of Ruth because the pastor was speaking about it on Sunday and my interest was peaked. Holy crap! Ruth was the example of that song. She chose to sacrifice her happiness completely and love Naomi, even if that meant leaving her home, her family, and her Gods. She followed Naomi to Bethlehem and was completely obedient. And, what did she get for all her trouble? A love story for the ages. She found complete fulfillment through her love of Naomi.

Now, I don’t think God was telling me that He has a love story for the ages waiting for me, but I’m hoping He’s got something up his sleeve. I think He’s telling me to rewrite my job description. It is no longer my job to teach or to discipline. It is not my job to gossip or socialize. It is my job to love those kids to the best of my ablility, through Him. And, maybe that means I might have to sacrifice that lead teacher position. But, in return, I will find fulfillment in Him, becoming more like Him every day. And, I think that’s a fair trade off. And, besides, these kids, they are not hard to love.

And, this time, I am left with only one question, “Who am I? Who am I that you would bless me so uniquely and so especially? Who am I that you would spend even one minute of your time with me?”

A Restlessness

I quit jobs when I don’t love them anymore. I know. It’s not a great way to get your bills paid, but I always seem to manage. I just don’t see the point of working for the sake of working. There should be something besides the paycheck that keeps you going into work every day. Either you love it, or the experience will pay off, or there’s that supercute guy in accounting, but there has to be something more than just the money.

I love working at the preschool. At least, I used to. Lately, it’s been a real struggle for me to muster any kind of enthusiasm for my job. Usually, once I get to work and I’m with the kids, I feel better, but not always. I used to really believe that God had brought me there for a reason. But, lately, I’ve been question that more and more. However, I am super blessed to work at a Christian organization with some really amazing women. So, I had a talk with my assistant director and these are some of the conclusions that I came to…

I think that God has called me to more than just diaper changes and meal times. Parents are entrusting me with their child. They are asking me to love them when they can’t be there. But, more importantly, they are asking me to minister to their children. I forgot. I forgot about all of those amazing opportunities I have to share the love of Christ with these fantastic little people.

I also forgot that it is not just my job to teach, it is my responsibility to learn. How many times in the Bible does God refer to a childlike faith? I get to experience that kind of faith every single day. I get to see the purity and innocence of a child and benefit from it. If I choose to pay attention, I can learn so much about the nature of our God and what my relationship with Him should be, and also about myself. How quickly do I lose patience when a child won’t ‘listen’ to me? How many times have I not ‘listened’ to God and has He ever lost patience?

Lastly, my assistant director termed my condition as a ‘restlessness’. And, that perhaps I’m placing all of the blame on work, when really, this restlessness could be coming from a lack of focus in my life, in general. Maybe this restlessness is growing pains. I have definitely noticed some serious positive growth in my life lately. But, because my actual life hasn’t changed that much, I think I’m starting to grow beyond the realm of my life, as it is now. I’m restless, maybe, because I can sense something big is coming in my life. Or, because I know that God is calling me to something greater and I know that I have to answer that call, however scary it may be.

So, it seems that once again, I have said, ‘God, why aren’t you moving? Why aren’t you giving me the desires of my heart? Why have you forgotten about me?’ And, God answers, in that still small voice of His, ‘Silly Constance, if only you knew the plans I have for you. If only you knew that I knit you together in your mother’s womb for a distinct purpose. If only you knew just how much I love you…If only you listened…’