Adventures in Imagination

Those broken pieces...

2011-05-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

Let’s first acknowledge that I have problems. Okay. Wanna hear about three of them?

Lately, God has been dealing with me on three separate issues: trust, insecurity, and leadership.

I think trust is a hard one for any of us. I’d rather trust in my ability to work hard than to trust God to pay my bills. I’d rather trust my own creative talents than to allow God control of my classroom. But, I think God would call that disobedience. No, I know he would call that disobedience.

I started going to a new church that I love. As soon as the service is over, I RUN out the door. Why? I have no idea. I was calling it awkward. God called it insecurity. Then, He told me that by His stripes, I am healed. Which is absolutely awesome, and absolutely painful.

I’ve been thinking about leadership for awhile. I’ve been telling my kids that as Christians, we need to be leaders. We talk about leaders every day in the classroom. I point out kids who are being great leaders. I decided it was time I take my own advice. Also a tough pill to swallow. God is constantly showing me things that I should be doing, but more often, He’s showing me things that I should not be doing.

I was hoping that as I started writing this blog, I might find some catharsis in it. But, all I really found was the amount of work that I need to do before I can be considered Christ-like. I am so broken and human.

But, fortunately, God takes those broken pieces every single time and puts them back together and turns them into something so amazing. In me, in this jar of clay, I have the treasure of the knowledge of the Glory of God in the face of Christ (II Corinthians 4). I have the capacity to be Christ-like because he made me in His image. He knows I’m broken. He doesn’t care. He gave me His everything and all He wants in return is those broken pieces.

That’s beautiful.

And, he dipped and he dipped and he dipped...

2011-05-09T15:04:00.000-07:00

This week’s Bible story for the kiddo’s is Naaman. While I’m telling the story today, I realize I can’t remember if its Elijah or Elisha (cause who can, really?). So, I look it up. This is how I imagined this whole thing to go in my head:

Messenger (in bored, can’t believe this is my job voice…actually, similar to the one I use at the blockbuster): If you want to be healed of your leprosy, Elisha says you must wash yourself seven times in the Jordan river.

Naaman: WHAT!!!!??? Does he not know who I am? He is supposed to come out here, call down God, wave his hand over me and heal me! Now he wants me, ME, to wash in the nasty Jordan river SEVEN times! There are better rivers! Can’t I just wash in them!

(Then the ESV actually says he ‘turns away in a rage’.)

Servant: Ummm….did he really say wash and be healed? Wash and be healed, man!

I was struck by the simplicity of Elisha’s request and the level of Naaman’s rage. Wash. He told him to wash. And, Naaman, commander of the army of the King of Syria could not be bothered to dip in the Jordan river. That is, until, a humble servant pointed out his silliness.

Sometimes, I really do just open my Bible and read wherever it opens. Today, it fell open in James. Holy Moses! It is blowing my mind! I already read it twice today. But, James 5 caught my attention in particular, just because it so ties in with Naaman’s story. The chapter talks about how the rich have stored up their gold and silver, but these things have corroded. Their garments are moth eaten and their riches have rotted. Naaman had status and wealth. He had high favor because of all the victories he had won. But, Naaman was a leper. He was going to die. And, all of the status and wealth and favor were rotting, and still he couldn’t bring himself to dip in the Jordan River seven times. He was offended because he thought that his status and wealth and favor had earned him a personal audience with the prophet, where he would simply wave his hand over him and his leprosy would be gone.

As I’m reading this, I’m thinking ‘what arrogance! Get a little dirty and healed you crazy!’ How many times I have let myself believe that I didn’t have to obey? Because it wasn’t about the water, it was about obedience. I’ve let myself believe that because I have 27 years of church in me, I can skip a few weeks. Or, because my job is a ministry, I don’t have to be involved in a home church. Or, a little gossip can’t touch me, or a little lie won’t hurt anyone, or a little lapse in reading my Bible won’t hurt since I’ve got so much of it memorized. What arrogance! And, what disobedience!

What rotting wealth have I been clinging to? What vestige of status or moth eaten garments have I been hiding behind? James 5:3 says that this ‘corrosion will eat your flesh like fire.’ And then in verse 5, that these wealthy have fattened their hearts in a day of slaughter. Just like Naaman, I need to wash myself clean of this corrosion before I literally die from it. It is time to recognize that I am storing up this false wealth in a time when I should be humbling myself before God in a way that I never have before. My flesh has become fat, while my spirit cries out for slaughter. I just can’t ignore those cries anymore.

Slaughter sounds pretty painful though. I wonder if God will let me dip in a river instead?

Conviction in Quadruplicate

2011-05-06T10:55:00.000-07:00

Let’s take a minute to celebrate my return to blogging. Is that crickets I hear? Whatever. You know you need my wisdom.

I’ve returned because I want to share what God has been doing in my life in the past week. It seemed like a big jumbly mess, but today, it seemed to come together. So, let me see if I can put it together for you.

I’ve embarked on the Great Church Search. I’ve been at it for a while now, mostly via the internet (cause I’m a socially awkward chicken. Back off!). I google churches in the area, look at their websites, listen to their podcasts. I have a strange checklist that must be completed before I’ll actually visit a church (no saint in the name, etc.). It has not been fun and I have not enjoyed it at all. I think finding a husband at a monastery would be an easier task. (And, let’s face it. I’ve looked everywhere else for him.)

Anyway, I’ve said all that to say this: In my search, I stumbled across this church. I was listening to a sermon on the podcast about putting new wine in old wine skins. I’ve heard the passage before. Jesus says He can’t put new wine in old wine skins or new fabric on old pants (I paraphrased a bit). I’ve been begging God for a change, a new work, refreshment, revival, whatever you want to call it. But, as I’m doing the dishes, listening to this man I’ve never met, I finally got it. God can’t put my new work into my old self. He can’t revive or refresh this old wine skin. But, he does want to give me a brand new pair of pants. But, just like when you buy a new pair of jeans, there’s going to be a breaking in process. It isn’t going to be fun. I’m not going to love it. But, He’s got a new work for me, if I’ll just step out of my old self. He’s been asking me to grow up. He’s been asking me for some time, I think.

I’ve been spring cleaning. I hate cleaning. And, because its just me, I have a tendency to let things build up. Mountains of laundry needing to be put away, closets begging to be organized, and carpets in desperate need of a good vacuuming and it all happened this week. I don’t know what spurred on the cleaning, but I’ve been doing it. And, doing it with a happy heart.

We’re covering obedience this month at school. So, every time I ask the kids to do something, I’ve just been using the word ‘obey’ and underlining the rules (i.e., ‘thank you so much for obeying me by putting away those toys.’). I don’t know if its helping them any, but it sure has had an impact on me. I’ve been blown away by the number of times I say ‘obey’ in one day and also, by the number of times I find myself NOT obeying.

Then, this morning, I had a fantastic dream. I’m not going into details, but it was such a simple dream. But, I’m telling you right now, I literally felt the embrace of God. I woke up without a doubt in my mind. And, I can remember details of the dreams vividly, but the only phrase I can remember is ‘see all the trouble I went to for you?’

Boom. Conviction.

See all the trouble He went to for me?

I stumbled upon the perfect podcast. He gave me my own parable (cleaning my apartment like I should be cleaning my heart). He taught me a lesson about obedience that I’m sure I’ll never stop learning. Then, he wrapped it all up with a hug.

I didn’t deserve one bit of it. Not one.

See all the trouble I went to for you?

Excuse me, but I think your humanity is showing.

2009-09-27T13:18:00.001-07:00

Can we have bad self esteem days like we have bad hair days? What would you call it? A pity party? A crap day? What if it last longer than a day?

I feel like I am the most terrible teacher, the worst kind of sister, a horrible daughter, and a selfish friend.

And, worst of all, I feel like I am the most awful Christian.

I feel like everything I touch turns to crap. And, the more I search for someone or something to blame, the more I find that it is all my fault. And, the more I try to fix it, the worse it gets. And, I think therein lies my problem.

I keep trying to fix everything.

I have control issues, I know. And, I think lately, God has been asking me to let go of them. I've been fighting. Now, I'm just tired...and over emotional. And, all of these emotions are ugly. They are jealousy and selfishness, self doubt and pride, bitterness and maybe even a little bit of hatred.

Surely, this isn't what God wanted for my life. He didn't want me fighting for control and turning into one ugly mess with a life that is quickly spinning out of control.

Lately, I've just felt like if I can get one minute on solid ground, I'll be able to put all of this together. And, today, I realized that He's the solid ground I need. He's the one who can put me back together. He's the one who can take all of this ugliness and turn it into something beautiful. But, before He can do that, I have to relinquish control. I have to give him my entire life to work in...the whole thing.

So much easier said than done.

With all my knowing, how can I be so stupid as to think I can do a better job than He could? I think it's just my humanity showing. And, it's ugly. And, it's horrible. And, it's disgusting. Why can't I just let Him take it and make it into what He wants to? Guaranteed, it will be prettier than anything I could come up with...

2009-09-17T15:31:00.001-07:00

I wish I had more time to blog. I wish I had more time to do a lot of things. In fact, I have a lot of things to say...but, for once, I'm not sure I have the words.

But, here is a picture that needs no words:

She's beautiful already.

(Okay, we don't know if she's a girl for sure, but this aunt is feeling a niece.)

A Great Friend...

2009-09-14T20:17:00.001-07:00

I don't even have the words to express...

But, my sister's pain is at least twice mine...

Run with Endurance

2009-08-19T19:14:00.001-07:00

I feel like its been ages since I've posted. And, that's not for lack of things to post. God has done so much in my life since I last blogged that I don't even know where to begin.

My job situation changed. It wasn't what I wanted, but I think it was right. But, in the process of trying to be obedient, I battled a lot of other unwelcome emotions: jealousy, bitterness, inadequacy, anger. I was overwhelmed. I was afraid that I wasn't going to make it. I thought I found some peace, and then I would cry on my way home from work. I would start to get excited and then, the bitterness would seep in. I literally cried for a week. Then, I was journaling/praying because they happen simultaneously for me. And, I realized I needed to ask for forgiveness. Imediately. So, I made the necessary phone call, my hands were shaking as I did it. But, as soon as I said those words, a weight lifted off my shoulders.

This verse was my salvation:

'Since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that clings so closely and run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and protector of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him, endured the cross, despising the shame, and is now sitting at the right hand of the throne of God.' Hebrews 12:1

This verse immediately follows the 'Faith Hall of Fame' in Hebrews 11. So, this great cloud of witnesses is Abraham and Issac, Noah and Gideon, and so on. We are surrounded by the stories of men who made it. They lived on faith and received their promises. So, now, it's my turn to lay aside the weights and sins that slow me down and run. I have been given all the tools that these men were given. They were only men. But, they were men who chose to run with endurance. Were they scared? Sure. I'm postive that Abraham was shaking in his boots when he walked his son up to that altar. Did they have their doubts? Absolutely. You don't think Noah didn't wake up every day thinking, 'am I as crazy as everyone thinks I am?' You bet he did. Were they worried that they wouldn't be able to do what God had called them to do? Definitely. Moses told God that he was no speaker, and God said, 'I know. Carry on.'

But, they ran. They ran with endurance. They looked to God and only to God. And, now its my turn to run. God has set a race before me and He has given me the tools necessary to run the next leg. I just need to take his hand and run like the wind.

I'm still overwhelmed. I still have my doubts that I'm going to be able to do this. I'm still unsure of His plan for me. But, I'm running.

Win, Lose, or Sing

2009-08-10T19:25:00.000-07:00

I had a weird day, but in the end, it was a good day. Nothing that happened today was what I thought was going to happen when I went to bed last night. And, it was probably all for the better. God provided what I needed.

But, I am still stressed and frustrated. I feel like I don't have anything in my win column right now. Job? Lose. Romance? Lose. Finances? Lose. Stability? Lose. I'm sure right now you're probably thinking of a few more things to throw into that lose column. And, I almost feel like the very fact that I am sorting my life into win and lose columns also belongs in the lose column.

On the way home from work, I was getting tired of the radio, so I put in Ingrid Michelson. And, just so you know, I cranked it up and sang at the top of my lungs. And, yes the hummer next to me at the stop light did crank up his rap, but I sang my little heart out anyway. The first song, the title track:

I just want to be okay, be okay, be okay
I just want to be okay today

I just want to feel today, feel today
I just want to feel something today

I just want to know today, know today
I just want to know something today

I was thinking, I can do that. Those are attainable goals. I'm okay today. I made it to the end of the today in one piece. I felt a lot of amazing things today. I had a lot of feelings today, good and bad, but I felt them. And, I knew something today. I knew that God provided. I felt His love. And, in the end, that's what made me okay today.

Will I be okay tomorrow? I have no idea. But, God's gonna be with me. Will I feel Him? Sometimes, I don't. Will I know its Him? I'm usually pretty dumb about those kinds of things. But, I'm okay today. I felt today. I knew today.

Put that in the win column.

Hide me.

2009-08-09T21:56:00.000-07:00

I had a rough week. All day on Friday, I found myself praying. I was begging God to show me in some small way that He was still there. I needed to know that He was still in control, that He still cared enough to order my steps. I needed to Him to hold me. I prayed on the way to work. I prayed during nap while I was putting the kids down. I prayed all the way home.

And, then I went to church.

I've learned not to expect much from church. I know. Bad attitude.

God spoke to me. He literally spoke directly to me. He said, 'I am still your God. I am still on the throne. I am still in control. And, I will hide you in the cleft of the rock.' He said those words through someone else, but I knew they were for me.

Even now as I tell you this, I'm crying. I cannot believe that He took the time to answer my prayer personally. Especially with all my unbelief and doubting and bad attitude. Who am I that He is mindful of me?

Are things still up in the air in every area of my life? Yes. I'm still not sure about my job situation. I'm still single. I still live in my parent's house. I still don't always know how I'm going to pay my bills. (And, I might be embarking on a church search, as well. But, I'll save that for another blog.)

But, I know that He's on the throne. And, that He's going to hide me in the cleft of that rock. So, while the storm rages on outside, He's in control. Nothing can happen that He's not ready for, that He hasn't already seen. And, that God that sits on the throne, in control of the universe, calls me friend. I have no idea why He wants to be my friend, but I'm just going to rest in that for awhile.

Let's just say I'm quirky...

2009-07-23T18:12:00.000-07:00

I freak out. It's just what I do. I obsess and overanalyze. I obsess over the tiniest little details. I replay situations and conversations in my head over and over and over again. I think about what I could have said or done differently. I try to plan for every possible scenario.

I'm a control freak. I really need to be in control of every situation. I don't like going into new restuarants or stores because I know that someone else is going to be in control of the situation. I suck at relationships, especially those between boys and girls, because I can't always be in control and I have trouble coping with that realization.

Years of training in counseling has taught me some coping mechanisms. Some of them are crazy and some of them are obvious. I hum Indiana Jones before walking into unfamiliar territory to remind myself that adventure is good and so is stepping out of my comfort zone. I take deep breaths before reacting to change so I can think through my reaction. I write. I keep my mind busy so I won't obsess and overanalyze.

Here's the thing: I know you're all really impressed that I'm so functional. I know its fantastic that I can use these coping mechanisms to work through my 'issues.' Considering how painfully shy I was in high school, a therapist would most likely consider this progess.

But, God doesn't.

He doesn't want me to rely on my little therapuetic 'tricks' to get myself through tough situations. He doesn't want me to plot and plan and replan. He doesn't want me to do things my own way, which because I'm a control freak, I tend to do.

He just wants me to trust Him. He wants me to come to Him when I'm freaking out and pour out my heart. He wants to hear my fears and dreams and hopes. And, this is beyond me, but I think He wants to hear my overanalyzations.

He wants me to give Him the control. And, really, that should be the only coping mechanism I'll ever need. He wants to make me whole - physically, spiritually, and mentally.

Love so amazing.

Good Gifts

2009-07-18T19:06:00.000-07:00

On Thursday, I had to go to court for a silly ticket. I was so incredibly nervous. If you know me very well, then you probably aren't surprised that I was nervous. I get butterflies in my stomach when I go to a new restaurant. I really wanted to ask my dad to go with me, but I knew he would tell me that he had to work. I also thought the judge might think me a silly girl and when make me pay more for being ridiculous.

(Sidenote: I have different levels of stomach butterflies, for those of you who are interested. New restaurants are just butterflies, you know, just your average garden variety monarchs. Court dates are butterflies on steroids and possibly hallucinogenics. But, when I talk to that certain boy - and yes, maybe there is actually a 'certain boy' - they are like freaking pterodactyls.)

I thought that I was going to have to pay $110. This was a particularly tight week and I had already made a hair appointment. But, I knew if I did actually have to pay that ticket, I would have to cancel my hair appointment. I was bummed, but a girl's got to prioritize.

But, the judge actually reduced my fines from $110 to $65. And, yes, before I left the courtroom, he did manage to squeeze in a mini lecture, but it was deserved. The amazing thing is that I had figured the hair appointment at $45.

How great is our God?

Seriously. Why would the King of Kings care if I got my hair colored today? He cares because He knows it matters to me. As tiny and insignificant as it might be in the scheme of things, He knows that to me, it's kind of a big deal. So, He moved in the heart of a judge, and had my fines reduced. Even though, I deserved to pay the fines.

My hair looks fabulous. And, all the way home, I was absolutely overwhelmed with God's love. I just kept telling Him that I loved Him. And, then I realized that I am only capable of loving Him because He has loved me first. Well, that just made me love Him even more. My heart was so full.

And, then I got two pairs of shoes for seven dollars...total.

It blows my mind that God would care enough about me to see that I get the little things like cute shoes and hair appointments. I don't know why He does, but I am so glad He loves me. I don't why He thinks I'm worthy of these gifts, especially when He's already given me so much, but I'm sure glad He does.

Hug.

2009-07-14T14:36:00.001-07:00

Remember that post I wrote yesterday about patience and the fiery trial? You read it, right? So did God. Whew. What a day! The kids were especially crazy and totally wore me out. I got paid today, but every penny already belongs to someone else. And, then Emily reads me a scripture that says something like not everyone is called to be a teacher because teachers are held to even stricter standards. Awesome. And, here I thought I was just barely squeaking by on the average standards.

But, then, Jesus came.

On the way home, I decided to take out my most favorite Christ Tomlin and listen to Matthew West. I heard this song and I cried the entire way home.

I'm the one with two left feet
Standing on a lonely street
I can't even walk a straight line
And every time you look at me
I'm spinning like an autumn leaf
Bound to hit bottom sometime

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe againFeeling all this life within
Every single beat of my heart

I'm the one with big mistakes
Big regrets and bigger breaks
Than I ever care to confess
Oh but, You're the one who looks at me
And sees what I was meant to be
More than just a beautiful mess

Where would I be without someone to save me
Someone who won't let me fall
You are everything that I live for
Everything that I can't believe is happening
You're standing right in front of me
With arms wide open
All I know is
Every day is filled with hope
You are everything that I believe for
And I can't help but breathe you in
Breathe again

Okay, I highlighted a few of my favorite parts (notice that both entire verses are highlighted - you should see my textbooks). I feel like God gave Mr. West this song, knowing that someday, I would be driving home from work and would need a hug.

I'm the one with two left feet, standing alone, more broken than I ever want anyone to know. I'm the one who's made the giant mistakes (and a few little ones) and now has to pay the consequences for them. Sometimes, I do look at myself and wonder how I manage to make it to the end of the day. I know that soon, I'm going to hit the bottom like a ton of bricks.

But, He's just standing there, with His arms open wide, saying, 'It's fine. I think you're beautiful.'

I often imagine that God thinks of me like I think of my little kids. I love love love when they get hurt or scared and they come running to me. I just scoop them up and give them all the love I have. Even more, I love when they aren't scared or hurt and they just climb into my lap or give me a hug. I love them right back.

I'm seriously crying right now because I know that the love I give to these kids is nothing compared to the perfect love that Jesus has for me. And, I know that He can't wait until I climb into his lap or run to him when I'm scared.

So, I don't care that I don't have two pennies to rub together. I don't care that when I left work today, all my makeup was gone and my butt was wet cause I sat on the ground. I don't care that maybe I do mess up sometimes. Okay, I do care that I mess up. But, I know that God thinks I'm beautiful and amazing and I'm just going to breathe Him in for awhile.

Patience, etc.

2009-07-13T11:57:00.001-07:00

Patience. I totally need some. But, you know what everyone says...if you pray for patience, you'll find yourself in a situation where you really REALLY need some. It will be a 'learn patience or die' trial. It will be a trial more fiery than any other fiery trial in the history of all mankind. (Fortunately, I've learned to embrace the fiery, but that doesn't mean that I want to invite them necessarily.)

There are two different kinds of patience: patience with people and patience for things. I have neither.

If you're under the age of five, then I've got all the compassion and patience in the world. But, any older than five, and you better just put on your big boy pants and deal with your stuff. I'm not going to listen to you whine and tattle. Just do what you need to do and deal with the consequences. It's called adulthood.

And, when it comes to the things I want out of life (i.e., husband and family, perfect job, etc.), I want it now. And, that is a fantastic atittude. In fact, I hope that if you're reading this blog, it's not the first time. Otherwise, I've just painted a really yucky picture of myself. Please, go back and read a few blogs where I sound Christlike and full of Christian love. I'm sure there must be a few somewhere in the archives.

So, today, I did a little walk through my concordance (note to self: read Romans) and came up with some serious stuff:

I therefore, a prisoner of the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. Ephesians 4:1-3

There is a whole list of things I just admitted to not doing. Humility? Oops. Gentleness? See paragraph above concerning 'big boy pants'. Patience? None to be found. I'm not even sure I want to tackle the last two. The real kicker is that Paul says I should walk in a manner 'worthy of the calling.'

I can never really be worthy of the calling God has chosen for me. I'm not even worthy of the most basic calling - that He has chosen me to be His daughter. I'll never do enough to be worthy of that calling. I, in myself, will never be worthy of that calling. But, God still calls me to walk worthy of that calling. I have a feeling I am only scratching the surface of this verse.

Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil; hold fast to what is good. Love one another with brotherly affection. Outdo one another in showing honor. Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord. Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer. Romans 12:9-12

The heading above this paragraph in my Bible is 'marks of a true Christian.' Ouch. Here I am thinking I'm sailing down the straight and narrow, maybe just running a little low on patience and bam! God hits me with these verses. It's like when I go to get my oil changed and they keep coming up to my window telling me what else needs to be replaced.

You know what I say? Bring on the fiery trial! (I almost want to go back and delete that before God has a chance to read it.) But, God, could you maybe hold my hand? I'm just a little girl. But, I'm a little girl who wants to do big things for You.

And, then there was manna...

2009-07-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

My friend Sarah Beth wrote an amazing blog a couple of weeks ago, and it came to my mind today. I've been thinking about it ever since.

Just in case you are as lazy as I am, I'll summarize. Basically, God sent the Israelites manna because they grumbled. He did not send them manna because that was the provision He had originally intended. My guess is that He really had something better in mind, but because they couldn't wait for God's perfect plan, they got the manna.

I'm sure the manna was sufficient. I'm sure they were no longer hungry. (Well, actually that is untrue, because they grumbled some more and God sent quail. We'll just include the quail in with the manna.) And, maybe they never even missed God's original provision. It's possible that He was just trying to teach them a lesson in patience. But, it's also possible that He had a seven course meal waiting at the end of the trial.

When I hear that story, it sound awfully familiar. I know a grumbler. I know someone who thinks she deserves something that God hasn't given her yet. I know someone who could use a real lesson in patience. I know someone who is asking God to move now, regardless of His plan. And, I know someone who is going to end up with a Plan B husband if she doesn't shape up and learn a lesson from the Israelites.

Me.

God has a plan for me. We're gonna call it Plan A. It's incredible. I know it is. I know that He has my entire path mapped out, just waiting for me. I have no idea what's on the path. He may have a husband just waiting for me right around the corner. He's got my dream job already to go. He's got a ministry for me that's gonna change the world. His Plan A is so amazing, I can't even imagine it. He told me so.

He told me He knit me together in my mother's womb for a purpose. He told me that He has plans to prosper me and to give me a future and a hope. He's told me that He's going to give me the desires of my heart. He's told me that He will order my steps. He's told me that He will give me good gifts, better than I can even imagine, if I just ask Him.

And, yet, I grumble. I tell Him it's not good enough. I want my future now. I want to meet the man of my dreams now. I want to move out now. I want everything now. His perfect provision and timing is not enough for me. The last thing I want is a Plan B, or manna, husband. He'll give it to me because He is a good father and wants to take care of His children. But, then I'll have to face the consequences of my decision. I'll have to deal with my Plan B life.

"I want Plan A. I need Plan A. I don't want to take one step out of Your will, not even for a second. I know that the plans you have for me are more amazing than I could ever imagine (and I have a pretty active imagination). I know that You are a Father who wants to provide the best for His children. I know this. I believe what You said in the scriptures. I know You keep Your promises. But, Lord, help my unbelief. Forgive me for even doubting Your perfect plan. Forgive me for thinking that I could do things better. Strip me of my pride and selfishness. I want Plan A, whatever the price. Even if it means giving up some of those dreams I hold most dear, because I know that something even better waits for me."

Spiritual Warfare

2009-07-05T12:44:00.000-07:00

I have never been one to buy into the whole spiritual warfare 'thing'. And, when I say 'whole,' I mean that I know that we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against powers and principalities. But, I suppose I am just too logical to agree that when I have a bad day it is because the devil is working against me. I just can't see letting him have that much credit. And, I think that this might have been to my detriment.

I have been reading a lot of Peretti and Dekker lately. And, while I realize the situations their characters find themselves in are entirely fictional, there is usually a very logical argument for the supernatural. Of course, I believe in the supernatural. But, I tend to think that posession and intense spiritual warfare against the devils and his lackey demons is something for those crazy new testament apostles.

But, some situations in my life couple with the books I've been reading lately are leading me to believe that my insistent downplay of the supernatural battle going on is actually causing some problems in my spiritual life. And, yesterday, some of those situations really seem to come to a head. And, then this morning, what does Pastor Will say in sunday school? He says that we have to remember that witchcraft is real, the devil is out to get us, and that we wrestle not against flesh and blood. He quotes the very scripture that has been running through my head for a week.

I have been going out onto the battlefield with only half my armor on, believing that if I didn't give the devil credit for the bullets they wouldn't hurt me. Instead, I should have been in the word, putting on that full armor of God and rebuking any and every hold Satan found in my life. And, trust me, he has found some.

Fortunately, I serve an amazing God. The very mention of His son's name makes those demons tremble. The Light lives in me and any darkness cannot exist where there is Light. So, as painful as it is, it is time for me to turn that Light inward and start finding those holds that Satan has in my life. And, I need to start believing in the power of my prayers because besides the Word of God, those are the most powerful weapons I have.

Testimony

2009-06-20T08:36:00.000-07:00

I mentioned in my last post that there were two things that struck me about II Timothy. The first was that amazing scripture (which, by the way, the phrase 'complete patience' has been running through my head since I read it...can you say 'conviction?') and the second is Paul.

Paul tells Timothy not to be ashamed of his testimony in Jesus Christ. He reminds him that God has saved us and called us, not because of anything we have done, but because He has His own purpose for us. What Paul is not saying is that we have been called in spite of anything we have done.

I stumbled upon this video this morning. I wept. Please watch it.

Occasionally, I am guilty of thinking that my testimony isn't as powerful as someone else's. I haven't been addicted to drugs. I've never battled any kind of disease. My parents are not only still alive, but they're still happily married. I haven't done anything exceptionally bad. I've never even drank alcohol and I'm still a virgin. What could I possibly have to share?

What struck me about this video is that not all of the testimonies are drug addiction or cancer battling huge. Some of them are just ordinary 'sideline Christian' or 'anger controlling me' bad. But, when they flip over those signs and reveal how God has healed their individual brokenness, their testimony is no less amazing.

My God is in the business of restoration and redemption. And, the truth is, we all need it. And, when I say that my testimony isn't that amazing, I am saying that I didn't need God as much as someone else did. But, I did. Because I am arrogant. I'm a liar. I've made plenty of poor choices. And, chief among those poor choices, was to choose to do things on my own.

But, Jesus came down and restored me. He picked up all my broken pieces and breathed new life into them. And, that is a testimony of which I should not be ashamed. And, here is the really beautiful part. After God restored me, after He worked the beauty of redemption, He called me to a holy calling. He made a deposit in my life, as Paul calls it. And, Paul says, 'I know whom I have believed and I am convinced that He is able to guard until that Day what He has entrusted to me.' God has restored me. He has called me. He has made an investment in my life. And, some day, He is expecting a return on that investment. He is expecting that I will be able to carry out His plans.

Me.

Broken, arrogant, fickle, dishonest, mean, vain, and human.

He trusts me to carry out His plans and make good on His investment in my life.

Redemption is amazing. And, I have a pretty awesome testimony. I am not ashamed.

Job Description

2009-06-17T19:36:00.000-07:00

I know...two blogs in one day. But, I process things better when I write.

I was reading II Timothy today and I stumbled upon two very important things. Two things that I really needed to hear.

I found my job description. First, let me give you a little background information. For those of you who don't know what I do, I teach preschool. This may come as a shock to some of you. It certainly came as a shock to me. I love my job. I think I'm pretty good at my job. But, don't for one second think that it's all sunshine and butterflies. Don't think it's all finger painting and play- doh. It's hard. There is some serious mental, and occasionally physical, strain involved. But, as I've shared with you before, all it takes is one little hand grabbing for yours and then, none of the other stuff matters.

Recently, Emily and I were talking about how we are more than teachers. That these classrooms are our congregations. That, in effect, we are pastors. And, we are responsible for the spiritual well-being of each of these little ones in our care. That's a giant responsibility and I admit that I find it daunting.

I have said before that my only job is to love these children. And, I still believe that is what I am called to do. But, there is more than just hugs and kisses when you are the shepherd of sixteen crazy little sheep.

'Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching.' II Timothy 4:2

Was Paul a preschool teacher? Seriously, this verse so completely sums up my entire responsibility as a teacher (minus the love part, but Paul wasn't very mushy). First and foremost, I have to preach the word to these kids. And, considering the fact that they are one and two years old, I believe that means I have to preach the Word with my life. I have to be ready for anything. Any question, any situation, and trust me, you would not even be able to dream up the things these kids do. And, I do have to, occasionally, reprove, rebuke, and exhort, but here's the kicker, I have to do it with complete patience. And, I have to turn that rebuke into a 'teachable moment.' Oops. You expected complete patience? Oh.

I absolutely love my job. Every day, I am blessed. I am blessed by the kids and I am blessed to get to work with these amazing women every single day. I am blessed to work in an environment where a relationship with Jesus is expected and encouraged. Yesterday, while the kids were napping, I was playing worship music, and I spent some time talking with Jesus. He visited me at work. What an amazing privilege!

I recognize that I have an enormous responsibility. And, I love that God recognizes that I have an enormous responsibility. I love that He believes these little lives are just as important as mine, or any other adults, for that matter. Sure, they can't get their pee pee in the potty yet. Maybe they don't color in the lines or use nice hands, but He loves them so much. He has such amazing plans for them. And, I am so grateful that He has allowed me to be a part of those plans.

Paul tells Timothy, 'Continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom (this is plural, according to my little footnotes) you have learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.' II Timothy 3:14, 15

Timothy has had many teachers throughout his life and all of them have contributed to his beliefs, which ultimately led to his salvation. I cannot tell you what a privilege and blessing it is have the chance to contribute in the lives of these children. I am overwhelmed by both the awesomeness of the blessing and the hugeness of the responsibility. But, I firmly believe that God has put me here for a reason, and I am confident that He is able to fulfill His purpose in me. And, that's incredibly amazing too!

(I know I said there were two things. And, there is something else, but you'll have to wait until later. I think I've done enough blogging for one night...)

Quiet Time

2009-06-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

So, a couple of days ago, I wrote a blog about how I'm struggling at working in my quiet time. Not because I don't have the time. I mean, I've got a lot to do, for sure, but I'm only working one job now. And, you would not believe how weird it is to have free time now.

I tried getting up early for a couple of days. Yeah, I read my Bible and I talked to God some, but I got absolutely nothing out of it. I couldn't tell you what I read and most of what I said to God was incoherent. I was definitely not giving God my best. And, strangely enough, I was a little crankier. I think because I got up earlier, but also because I knew how unfruitful and pointless that fifteen minutes I gave to God was.

But, I always feel guilty. I feel like I've always been told that you should give your early morning moments to God. You should start the day off by spending time with Him. Why would He want those moments when I can give Him some time in the afternoon and the both of us will get so much more out of it?

It is true that if I just try to work it in sometime during the day, it often gets skipped. So, I think I'm just going to make it a part of my night time routine, instead of my morning routine.

Maybe this is silly. Maybe God doesn't care when I talk to Him, when I read His words, when I set aside time for Him, just as long as I do it. I'm still very conflicted though. I feel like every good Christian gives God their mornings. They sacrifice their sleep, drag themselves out of bed, and watch the sunrise with the Lord.

That is just not how it happens for me. I rolled out of bed, got mad cause both bathrooms were full and I really had to pee, discovered that no one left any coffee for me (I usually just wait until work, but if I have to get up early...), stumbled through a couple chapters of I Timothy, said a quick prayer, and carried on with my day.

That is not how I want my time with Jesus to go. So, maybe this makes me a bad Christian, but I'm having my date with Jesus at night. Don't think too poorly of me.

Oh, the shame...

2009-06-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

I actually started to write a blog this afternoon about how my life has been much more hectic lately. Just as I was about to type the words, 'I've been having trouble finding time for quiet time,' I realized that I could be using that time much more productively. So, I did. I went outside and read my Bible.

But, this week has been really crazy and I am ashamed to say that I did not crack open my Bible one time. I was sick. There were lay-offs. A new director was hired. I've been stressed out because of the lay-offs and what that means for my classroom. And, on top of all that, I'm still dealing with a lot of the same stuff I mentioned in the last blog.

And, today, while I was reading I Timothy, God spoke to me. He said, 'I know you had a hectic week. I know you were sick and stressed out and even a little scared. It would have been nice to hear it from you. And, I really would have like to help.'

Duh.

Seriously. How many times is it going to take for me to learn this lesson? How many times do I have to fall? Today, I really needed to vent. I just needed to get some stuff off of my chest. No one was answering their phone. I started to get frustrated and then, I realized that I should be taking this to God. I am frustrated with myself. When is that going to be my first instinct?

I'm at the point in my life where I have to make to do lists and schedules. I actually have to schedule time to sit down and pay my bills. And, now, I'm going to start scheduling time to sit down, read my Bible and spend some time with Jesus. (No, it won't be first thing in the morning. Maybe I'll blog about that another day.) I kind of hate that I have to schedule that in, to be honest. But, better to schedule it than it never happen at all.

Will I ever get to the point where my first instinct is to go to Jesus? I want that so bad. I hate that prayer is a last resort. I am ashamed. I am embarrassed that I went an entire week without some serious God time. Yes, I whispered a few prayers here and there. I'm still pumping out the praise music in my car. But, not once did I read my Bible or dedicate specific time to talk, and listen, to God. That's disgusting.

I bet last week would have gone so much better if I had...

Ouch.

2009-05-31T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today, I have run the entire spectrum of emotions. I'm pretty sure that God is trying to teach me some lessons. Lessons that I probably desperately need. And, I'm a learner. In my opinion, that's what makes me such a great teacher. However, these are some tough lessons to learn. Especially considering that I'm not entirely sure what He is trying to teach me.

I know this: that every trial I encounter, He is with me, working on me to make me a better version of who I am. I know that these trials could be painful. I know that these lessons may bring a little chastisement with them. And, I know when it's all over, I'll be a better, stonger person. I'll look a little more like my Jesus.

But, holy crap, this is hard. I know that God is working to humble me and that is absolutely no fun. But, I think, especially today, He is showing me that He is really all I need. He is saying, I am your portion. And, I don't mean in the daily bread sense. I mean in the emotional fulfillment sense. Today, I believe that God was telling me that until I realize He is all I need, He can't give me the desires of my heart.

Let's be honest. I could be completely wrong. God could be telling me that I need to stay away from the color purple or something. But, I think I'm pretty close here. These words are hard to hear. It's hard to know that all of this time, I have been waiting on God, thinking He was just taking His time, when really, He has been waiting on me to get my act together. It's so easy to blame God, or even just circumstances, but to take the blame myself...that's rough.

Reveal Your heart to me.

2009-05-27T19:59:00.000-07:00

There is a line in a Third Day song that says, 'Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me.'

I love that line. I always have. I'm a word person. I like pretty phrasing, especially when it's sung. That's why I love to read Paul's letters. He has a way with words (at least, when he isn't getting all technical). I was reading in First Corinthians today and he refers to the 'mysteries' of salvation and of Christ.

So, today, when I was listening to this song today, it suddenly struck me that how brazen that line of that song is. How dare we ask the Maker of the universe to reveal His heart to us? How day we ask Him to make his mysteries known? Are we allowed to pray for that? I hope so.

Adam got to walk with the God in the cool of the day. How amazing and humbling that must have been. I often make my own human, measly attempt to share my heart with the Lord. Can you imagine if He shared His right back? Again, I find myself in tears. Can you imagine if God, Master of the universe, considered me His confidant? What if God wanted to walk in the cool of the day with me, telling me about His day while I told Him about mine?

The crazy thing is that He totally does. He really does want me to be His friend. He wants to confide in me. He wants to reveal His heart to me. I find it strange that the thought actually humbles me. If the Man who owns the cattle on a thousand hills wanted to be your personal friend, wouldn't that make you the opposite of humble? But, it doesn't. Knowing that God desires to share His heart with me makes me cry. It makes me realize how tiny and insignificant I am. I see how blessed I am that He loves me and wants to share with me in spite of my disgusting human nature.

But, I also have to wonder, can I even handle the mysteries of Christ? Can I, with my pathetic human understanding, even begin to conceive the revelation of God's heart? I have this image of God telling me some great mystery and my brain exploding from the exertion. If God even shared an ounce of what must be in His heart, the compassion and understanding and wisdom and love, there is no way I could ever be the same. There is no way I could ever recover.

'Precious Lord, reveal your heart to me. Show me the mysteries of You. I'm scared and weak, but I want to know You. I want to be your confidant. I want to walk with you in the cool of the day. I am humbled that I am even allowed to approach You with this request. You are the Maker of the universe. You put the stars in their place and know them each by name. You are the King of Kings, the Lord of Lords, the Alpha and Omega. You are the God of Abraham, of Issac, of Daniel and David. And, You have told me, ingsignificant, broken, disgusting little me, that I can boldly approach Your throne. And, today, I ask You to reveal Your heart to me. I want to be Your friend.'

Born Again

2009-05-25T20:04:00.000-07:00

This will be a short post because I have to open in the morning. But, I have to share this before I literally explode. And, because of that, this may not be the most eloquent or profound. I just need to share my heart, just for a minute.

I have been listening to Third Day's Revelation non stop for the last two or three days. And, today, I have listened to the song 'Born Again' about three hundred times. I can't even post the most relevant lyrics because the entire song is amazing. I feel like they opened my heart and wrote down what they saw. So, listen to the song. If you don't have access to it, I will burn it for you.

More than once, I have broken down during this song (one time I was doing the dishes and I felt especially silly).

I really do feel born again. I can't remember what my life was like before my lastest connection with God. And, it's not like I ever fell away or abandoned God. I don't know what happened, but something did. And, now I can't remember what life was like before that something. I can't remember what it was like to not wake up and want to talk to Him. I can't remember what it was like before I was consumed with a love for Him. I can't remember what life was like before I saw my brokenness, before I saw Him heal me. I don't want to remember.

But, with all that amazing-ness, I am terrified. I have asked God countless times to make a promise that this will never end. I have asked Him to promise me that life with Him will always be just like this. And, He has shown me His love over and over and reassured me that He is never going anywhere. And, He has held me. I could never put into words what that feels like. All I know is that in His embrace, I find everything thing I have ever needed. I find that reassurance, courage, strength, and shelter.

And, I feel like, with His love, I am living for the first time. Every breath feels brand new. Every day is pregnant with promise. Every moment feels purposeful. I can see Him in the small things. There are moments that seem completely insignificant - driving down the road, drying my hair, or playing with the kids - when something makes me think of Him and I feel Him. I live for those moments.

I am completely in love with my Savior.

And, He has made me brand new. And, for the very first time, I am living.

Holy Meetcute, Batman!

2009-05-20T20:40:00.000-07:00

Today's will not be a profound post. It will not be a post where I discover some deep spiritual truth (I don't think so, but often, I just stumble upon things mid-blog.). Hold on to your knickers, cause I'm freaking out.

Because that's what I do.

I freak out. I flip out. I get myself all worked into a nervous tizzy. I obsess. And, oh yes, I cyberstalk. I know...shameful.

Why?

It's always the same. It's always for a boy. When am I going to learn that this is something that I have got to put in God's hands? He is the only one who is capable of finding the right man for me. And, let me tell you...it's a task.

Because I freak out and flip out and work myself into a nervous tizzy. I'm always right. I'm smarter than you. I'm overly confident. I think I'm fat. I know I'm awesome. I obsess about everything. And, I'm a complete crazy person. Only God could find someone who would want to deal with all that for the rest of their lives.

Whenever I think I've spotted a potential, I throw myself into it completely. When am I going to learn to put on the brakes and give God the wheel? This is His job. And, I imagine, as I often do, that it's a job He takes rather seriously. I'm hoping that He has someone for me. The perfect someone. The ultimate someone. Why can't I just get out of His way?

He's God, for pete's sake (I wonder if this Pete is single...)! If He has someone for me, I should be confident that He has the power to orchestrate the meetcute.

I am absolutely ridiculous.

Daniel: My Hero

2009-05-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

So, I'm reading Daniel today. It's one of my favorite books of the Bible. It has the most awesome stories (Daniel and the Lion's Den, Shadrach and company, etc.). But, really, it's about four boys who refused to conform. They were teenagers, really, when they were brought into Babylon. And, because they had the wisdom to seek God and stand up for what they believed in, they immediately found favor with Nebuchadnezzar.

First, they are brought in with a group of young men who have no blemish. They are housed in the king's house, fed the king's food, and have all the amenities of palace life. All but four of them, anyway. Daniel refused to defile himself with the king's food, so he makes a deal with the guy in charge. He says, 'Just bring me and my friends vegetables and water and if we don't look better than the rest of them in ten days, then we'll eat your food.' (I'm paraphrasing a little.) So, in ten days, they are undefiled and looking better than everyone else. So much better, in fact, that the head eunich and the king could not find anyone better than our four boys.

Nebuchadnezzar has a dream. He find this dream so troubling that he is losing sleep over it. So, he calls all of his 'wise' men to give an interpretation. (Wise men includes actual smart men, but also magicians, sorcerors and astrologers.) Here, I have to give King Neb his dues. He is no idiot. He knows that these magicians and astrologers are going to lie to him and tell him whatever they think he wants to hear so that they will find favor. So, he tells them, 'First, you have to tell me my dream. Then, give me the interpretation. If you can't do it, I'll chop you into a million tiny pieces.' Clearly, these so called 'wise' men are not so wise, because they tell the king that no one can do that. So, the king says, 'kill them all.'

They seek out David to kill him, but he asks the soldier for an audience with the king that he may try to interpret the dream. Once the king okays it, he runs to Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego and asks them to pray for him. In the end, Daniel is able to give the king the dream and the interpretation, find favor with the king, get a superawesome job for himself and his friends, and through the whole thing, Daniel is giving glory to God. And, he's giving glory to God right in the king's face too.

Then, and this is my favorite, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego refuse to bow down before the statue. They tell the king, 'You can throw us in the furnace, but we will not bow down. We know that our God will deliver us out of the fiery furnace. And, if he doesn't, know that we will never worship your golden image.' So, they are thrown in the furnace and they are delivered. You know the story. And, King Nebuchadnezzar says, 'there is no other God who can deliver like this.'

And, that is only half the book. What I love the most about this book is the courage of these four boys. They were ripped out of their country, away from their home, told to worship false gods and eat strange foods. But, they didn't. They stood up for what they believed in. They begged God for wisdom in some situations. And, in the end, because they did what they knew was right, they found favor from a man who had no respect for their customs or religion. Even King Nebuchadnezzar had to recognize that there was something different about these boys.

They were living IN the world. But, somehow they managed to not be OF the world. When people all around them were pandering to the king, worshipping golden images and false gods, and following every crazy decree, Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego made the hard choice. They knew that at any turn, they could lose favor and die. It could literally cost them their lives to follow God. But, they begged for wisdom and deliverance and carried on. When Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego came out of that fiery furnace, they didn't even smell like fire. Let me say that one more time, THEY DIDN'T EVEN SMELL LIKE FIRE.

Literally, I want to do a happy dance right now. I want to walk in a way that glorifies Him. I want to say to the king, 'I can do this because my God is awesome.' I want to do the hard thing, knowing that God will deliver me, but have the peace to know that if He chooses not to, I will still be in a better place. I want people to look at me and say, 'She doesn't even have the scent of the world on her.' How can anyone read the book of Daniel and not be encouraged? How can you not want to do a happy dance? People, we can do this! We can walk in a world of false gods, political corruption, and dirtiness. Not only can we walk, we can walk with God, glorifying Him. Sure, occasionally, we might need to beg for wisdom. But, in the end, we won't even smell like the world. Seriously, I just have to say that one more time, WE WILL NOT EVEN SMELL LIKE THE WORLD.

'God, wash the scent of this world away from me. Give me the courage to walk in Your light everyday. Give me the strength to stand up for you, even in the face of the king. Throw me in that fiery trial, but hold my hand. Give me the wisdom to deal with those trials. Give me the wisdom of Daniel and Shadrach and Meshach and Abednego. And, continue to wash the scent of the world off of me. Make me pure, holy, and acceptable to you. And, help me stay that way.'

Broken Parts

2009-05-14T21:00:00.001-07:00

So, I told you yesterday about how I was completely dissatisfied listening to the radio, right? Well, I burned a fantastic cd, but then forgot to put it in my car. I couldn't handling listening to one more song on the radio, so I popped in Ingrid Michaelson's 'Be Ok'. The title track includes these lyrics:

'Open me up and you will see
I'm a gallery of broken hearts
I'm beyond repair, let me be
And give me back my broken parts'

I am a gallery of broken parts. I've had my hart bruised, my ego trampled on, my self esteem ripped in half. We all have. We all come with baggage whether we like to admit it or not. There are parts of me that are ugly and broken. I don't want anyone to see these parts. I don't want anyone to open me up and see the gallery of mistakes and disappointments and hurts that have brought me to this place. And, even if those parts have healed, there is still scarring, horrible dark scars.

But, Ingrid, I'm not beyond repair. I know a man who can heal my broken parts so completely and absolutely that there won't be any scarring. I know a man who has opened me up, walked through my gallery of broken parts and saw something beautiful. He saw something worth repairing.

Even as I write this, I weep. I am overwhelmed. I know my broken parts. I know what He saw when He opened me up. I know what He took from me. And, I know what He gave me in return. And, it's not just like He took those broken parts and threw them in some nasty storage closet. No, He took them into Himself, walked up to that cross and died with those broken parts. He did all of that so that I, vile, wretched, broken sinner that I am, could be made whole.

Again, I find myself saying, 'Who am I? Who am I that you could do this for me? What could You have possibly seen in me that would have made all of this worth it? What beauty is there in my broken parts?' But, I know that any beauty anyone may see is His doing. Any good that can be found in this broken flesh is Him. I am beautiful only because He loves me. I am whole because He loves me. I am able to love because He loves me.

I have come to worship...

2009-05-13T19:07:00.000-07:00

I had a really crazy morning. I left for work early today, so that I could stop and get gas. I turned on the radio and then realized that all I really wanted to do was sing to Jesus. So, I switched off the radio and made some joyful noises of my own. I was so into worship, that I completely passed every single gas station from home to work. I ended up passing work and going to a gas station on Hall rd and then, being late for work. Oh well, it was a great car ride.

I think I really could sing of His love forever. How amazing would that be? I think that will be what Heaven is like. We will be worshiping in our own special ways, just loving Jesus for the rest of eternity, with no obstacles or distractions. That sounds like a blast. I'm totally in.

(Sidenote: During Rachel Getting Married, at the reception, everyone is dancing and a lady says, 'this is what heaven is like, just like this.' This particular part is on the tape of previews at BB. Every time it comes on, I groan inwardly. Hate it...)

Sometimes, I get concerned that my walk with God is just a ruse, a ruse so good that even I don't know. I'm afraid that I'm just doing lipservice so well that even I don't know the difference. What if all of this is just temporary? What if tomorrow something happens and I fall away again? Or, worse, what if nothing happens and I just don't feel so close to Him anymore? But, then, I worship. I just let all of my insecurities fall away. I let go of all of everything that happened to me that day and just think on God. In those moments, I know. I know that He is real and this is real. I live for those moments all day long. I crave those moments. I crave Him.

Love and Trust

2009-05-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have been really surprised at how 'present' God seems to be in my life. A lot of times, I feel as though He is right there with me, spearking into my heart. For example, this morning I woke up crabby because someone was in the bathroom when I needed to be in the bathroom. Immediately, a song popped into my head:

'I want a say a prayer
Before my feet can hit the ground.
Lord, I give this day to you.'

While maybe that was God chastising me a bit, I appreciated it, embraced it even.

On the way to church this morning, we saw a sign for a house for $29,000. Dad said he'd give it to me if he had it. I said, 'Well, all things are possible with Him. Maybe we'll find it.' What did Will speak about in sunday school? He discussed how the impossible can be possible through God. And, sometimes, when I'm driving in my car or working on homework or drying my hair, I'll just be quiet for a minute, and I'll feel Him.

I am in constant awe that He would take so much time to be so near to someone as sinful and fickle as me. I am humbled that the King of Kings would care so much about one little struggling soul. I am absolutely in love because He has loved me first. I know that His Joy actually will be my strength. I am surprised at how I hunger to be in His presence for even just a minute. Somedays, I actually do live on prayer. I don't remember how I lived my life without this, but I don't want to go back. I don't want to live a day without the His tangible presence.

However, I do have one issue. I feel as though God is asking me to trust Him completely with my finances. I have always worked hard, paid my bills, and I've done it on my own. But, I think God is calling me to reset my priorities, and I think part of this would be to quit Blockbuster. Part of me really, REALLY wants to quit. But, the other part of me knows how much I need the money and the security. But, the truth is, the second job is cutting into my time significantly. I don't have the time to spend with God. I don't always get to go to church. I'm not always my best because I'm exhausted constantly. I want to trust Him completely in all areas of my life.

I am also concerned that one day I may not feel God so closely. In fact, I know that there will be seasons in my life when I won't feel like this. But, I feel like a newlywed. I am so absolutely in love with my Savior and I don't ever want it to change. So, I feel that cutting some of my man-made security is one of those sacrifices that will make this relationship all the better. I have to learn to depend on God for my daily bread, for my everything. This so scary.

Today, I ask, 'God, I believe. But, help my unbelief. I want to trust you, but I am scared. So, please, take you daughter's hand. Lead me. Walk with me. And, please, catch me when I fall, because I will. Clothe me as you clothe the birds. Be my provider.'

Show me how to love.

2009-05-06T20:28:00.000-07:00

So, a few things have happened in my life recently that have caused me to question where exactly God’s path is leading me. This is especially true in my professional life. Some crazy things happened at work yesterday that left me feeling uncertain. It seems every time I think that I’m finally getting things under control, something comes out of left field. So, as I sat in my car, praying that God would give me some sort of peace or direction, this song popped into my head:

“Show me how to love
In the true meaning of the word.
Teach me to sacrifice,
Expecting nothing in return.
I want to give my life away,
Becoming more like you,
Each and every day.
My words are not enough.
Show me how to love.”

At first, I thought, “that’s weird. I haven’t thought about that song in ages.” Then I carried on with my praying. But, then I found I couldn’t stop singing it. It was stuck in my head the rest of the night. Then, it finally dawns on me that God is trying to tell me something.

This morning, I’m reading my Bible and decide to read the book of Ruth because the pastor was speaking about it on Sunday and my interest was peaked. Holy crap! Ruth was the example of that song. She chose to sacrifice her happiness completely and love Naomi, even if that meant leaving her home, her family, and her Gods. She followed Naomi to Bethlehem and was completely obedient. And, what did she get for all her trouble? A love story for the ages. She found complete fulfillment through her love of Naomi.

Now, I don’t think God was telling me that He has a love story for the ages waiting for me, but I’m hoping He’s got something up his sleeve. I think He’s telling me to rewrite my job description. It is no longer my job to teach or to discipline. It is not my job to gossip or socialize. It is my job to love those kids to the best of my ablility, through Him. And, maybe that means I might have to sacrifice that lead teacher position. But, in return, I will find fulfillment in Him, becoming more like Him every day. And, I think that’s a fair trade off. And, besides, these kids, they are not hard to love.

And, this time, I am left with only one question, “Who am I? Who am I that you would bless me so uniquely and so especially? Who am I that you would spend even one minute of your time with me?”

A Restlessness

2009-05-01T20:26:00.000-07:00

I quit jobs when I don’t love them anymore. I know. It’s not a great way to get your bills paid, but I always seem to manage. I just don’t see the point of working for the sake of working. There should be something besides the paycheck that keeps you going into work every day. Either you love it, or the experience will pay off, or there’s that supercute guy in accounting, but there has to be something more than just the money.

I love working at the preschool. At least, I used to. Lately, it’s been a real struggle for me to muster any kind of enthusiasm for my job. Usually, once I get to work and I’m with the kids, I feel better, but not always. I used to really believe that God had brought me there for a reason. But, lately, I’ve been question that more and more. However, I am super blessed to work at a Christian organization with some really amazing women. So, I had a talk with my assistant director and these are some of the conclusions that I came to…

I think that God has called me to more than just diaper changes and meal times. Parents are entrusting me with their child. They are asking me to love them when they can’t be there. But, more importantly, they are asking me to minister to their children. I forgot. I forgot about all of those amazing opportunities I have to share the love of Christ with these fantastic little people.

I also forgot that it is not just my job to teach, it is my responsibility to learn. How many times in the Bible does God refer to a childlike faith? I get to experience that kind of faith every single day. I get to see the purity and innocence of a child and benefit from it. If I choose to pay attention, I can learn so much about the nature of our God and what my relationship with Him should be, and also about myself. How quickly do I lose patience when a child won’t ‘listen’ to me? How many times have I not ‘listened’ to God and has He ever lost patience?

Lastly, my assistant director termed my condition as a ‘restlessness’. And, that perhaps I’m placing all of the blame on work, when really, this restlessness could be coming from a lack of focus in my life, in general. Maybe this restlessness is growing pains. I have definitely noticed some serious positive growth in my life lately. But, because my actual life hasn’t changed that much, I think I’m starting to grow beyond the realm of my life, as it is now. I’m restless, maybe, because I can sense something big is coming in my life. Or, because I know that God is calling me to something greater and I know that I have to answer that call, however scary it may be.

So, it seems that once again, I have said, ‘God, why aren’t you moving? Why aren’t you giving me the desires of my heart? Why have you forgotten about me?’ And, God answers, in that still small voice of His, ‘Silly Constance, if only you knew the plans I have for you. If only you knew that I knit you together in your mother’s womb for a distinct purpose. If only you knew just how much I love you…If only you listened…’

Heartbeat

2009-03-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

I just realized that the majority of my blogs are written late at night when I don't want to go to sleep...

I've been getting discouraged a lot lately. I know that I always complain about being twenty-five and still living in my parent's house and working two part time jobs. But, most of the time, even as I say this, I believe that God has a plan for me. Most of the time, I don't mind waiting. I've had some really amazing experiences in the time I've been 'waiting' for His ultimate plan. I remember during a class in college, we were talking about the concept of 'calling.' I believe that we are not called to a single station in life, but to a path. He has ordered our steps. He has built us a road to follow. And, while we may not know the final destination, he has little stops along the way, designed to teach us lessons and skills and things we need to know about ourselves, so the next stop will be even better.

In all of my knowing, I forget. I forget that God loves me. I forget that His desire is for me to know joy. I forget that He knit me together in my mother's womb. I forget that He called me by name. I forget that He longs to know me, to be with me, to love me and to be loved by me. I forget that He has a plan.

While I am forgetting, I am discouraged and frustrated. I am angry and upset. Sometimes, I yell at Him. Sometimes, I wonder if He is even listening. And, then I remember. I see a little glimmer of that joy that could be. Sometimes, it comes in a little way, like a little hand grabbing for mine. Sometimes, it's a word from a friend. And, sometimes, like today, it was a gentle tugging, a pulling, even. He was saying, 'I remember. I haven't forgotten.'

I know that I have shared with you before that I believe that God has a special name for each of us that only He knows. So, you know I'm given to certain fantasies. I have a special one about heartbeats. I've heard people say, 'his heart beats with mine' and whatnot. I have the thought that God can hear our heartbeats. That he can hear our desires and hopes and dreams, through the very beat of our hearts. Maybe it's silly, but today, I think God sang along with mine.

"Close your eyes and open your mind."

2009-02-15T20:22:00.000-08:00

A couple of situations that have occured recently in my life, or in the lives of my friends (I know...let me vague it up a little more, right?), have prompted me to think a lot about being open-minded. I know that there are some Christians who believe having an open mind is a danger. But, it has always been my goal to be as open-minded as possible. But, are there limits on how open-minded I can be as a Christian?

God's love has no limits. He is no respector of persons. He loves me as much as He loves anyone else. He has called me to love like Him, as impossible as that is. God doesn't make judgements on a person based on what He sees on the outside. Granted, He does have the luxury of knowing what's going on under our carefully created facades. We are all His children, whether we accept that title or not.He has not only called us to love like Him, but to be His representative on this earth. He sent Jesus to be His representative as well, and He was the only one who could do the job perfectly. Jesus ate with publicans and sinners. He told Zaccheus that he would be visiting in his home. He hung out with Mary Magdalene. He did all these things, even as the pharisees were talking behind his back, plotting to have Him killed. He knew He would die, and still He loved.

Last week, I was subbing in the half-day preschool room. There are quite a few children in that class who's first language is not English. It is a really diverse classroom. One day, several of the kids were late, and the one little boy who was in there was concerned that he might be the only little boy that day. When another little boy came in, I said, look you aren't alone any more. The little boy who came in was one of the ESL'ers. And, the first little boy replied, "But, we don't match." I know he's three and didn't really mean anything by it, but it absolutely broke my heart.

One of my friends is currently in a situation (about which I must be very vague) where a Christian family is acting in a way that I don't think is very Christ-like. I wish I could tell you all of the details, but suffice to say that they are clearly being close-minded and jeopardizing the happiness of one very special little boy. And, not only are they standing in the way of a little boy's future, but they are tarnishing the witness that any Christian might have had in that situation.

I suppose I've said all that to say, that to me, having an open mind translates to being respectful of those around you who may be different. And, even beyond respect, as a Christian, God has called me to show His perfect love to those around Him. I am to be the physical representation of His love, the vessel through which He does his work. How can I do that if I avoid people with significant differences in faith, sexual orientation, lifestyle, or even just physical appearance? I want people to see me and see Jesus. I want people to see the Jesus in me and want a part of it. I don't want anyone to ever feel like they can't be their self around me because I'm a Christian.

Christmas Spirit

2008-12-18T20:21:00.000-08:00

I'm not a huge fan of Christmas. I've always said that Christmas is for two kinds of people: children and couples. I am neither. Don't get me wrong. I don't hate presents and I certainly don't mind buying presents. But, the stress and the rush of Christmas are not my favorite. I kind of always feel like there is one more thing to do. Today, for example, I have been going non-stop since 8am. I try not to bah humbug up everyone else's holiday, but I'll probably be one of those people who takes a cruise at Christmas.
Anyway, I've said all of that to say this: today, I had the priviledge to see Christmas through the eyes of a few four year olds. It definitely brought a tear to my eye. They love it so much and its not just the presents either. They love Santa and Christmas songs and shopping with their mommies and daddies. They love decorating the tree and dressing up for parties. Sure, they are going to tear into those presents, but they really do love Christmas.
Today, during circle time, I was talking about Rudolph and how he had a special talent that he used to help out a friend (for the record, just in case Anita reads this, I did not say Santa. Okay, maybe they guessed it, but I didn't say it.). And, they started telling me their Santa stories. One little girl told me that last Christmas her sister heard Santa say 'ho ho ho,' but she didn't and that she was going to see if she could hear it this year. If you could have seen the sincerity and hope in her eyes. I can't even explain it. Then, a little girl tells me that she woke up in the middle of the night and heard noises on the roof, but by the time she got to her window he was gone. But, when she went downstairs, she saw all the presents and she just knew it was him. And, they take the whole 'better not pout' thing super seriously, by the way.
Yes, the real reason for the season is Jesus' birth and most of these kids know that. But, I think that Jesus would want us to celebrate the hope that these kids have. I think he would want to encourage their dreams and awaken their imaginations. And, Santa certainly does that. All the holiday movies and all the songs and the Christmas cards and parties couldn't teach me about Christmas what eight little four year olds showed me today.

UR GR8 <3

2008-06-03T20:20:00.000-07:00

Okay, I know I'm not much of a dater. So, I accept that maybe there are some rules and rites of which I am not entirely aware. I know I'm socially awkward and that maybe I didn't develop socially as fully as I should have. I blame it on private school. Call me crazy, call me awkward, call me socially stunted, but I think that, as a lady, I should be treated a certain way.
So, let me tell you a story. A story about a girl who gave her phone number to a guy. The particulars of how she met the boy are not important. But, he asked for her number and she gave it. Lucky fellow, if you ask me. He has her personal phone number and you may be asking, 'what does he do with it?' Oh, I'll tell you what this boy does with the phone number. He sends the girl a text message.
Again, maybe I'm really out of the dating loop, but a text message? I remember a day when a girl would sit by the phone waiting for the nervous phone call from that special boy. But, now, we just reduce the conversation down to one short sentence, in text speak might I add, and then send it over the airwaves. Did he not want to waste his minutes? Or, maybe it was his time he didn't want to waste. I can only imagine what the relationship would be like: dinners at mcdonalds, movies downloaded from netflix, and ecards for anniversaries.
I think I, and I think you, deserve a bit more than a text messaged date invite. I deserve to be chased, to be pursued, to be called, for heaven's sake. Does the romance have to be sucked out of everything? I know we're not in the movies and love rarely happens like it does in Hollywood, but can't it even be close? I think I deserve a little disney magic.

The Perfect Man

2008-04-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

I know you're shocked I'm writing another blog so soon, but its kind of therapeutic for me. Deal with it. I've had a rough night. And, some of the 'stuff' that happened tonight got me thinking about what I'm looking for in life.
I don't think it will be a surprise to anyone that knows me very well that I'm not really sure of my ultimate direction in life. I'm pretty content to just enjoy the ride. I like to take things as they come and deal with them as they happen. I'm really not much of a planner. I don't have a five or ten year plan. Absolutely, I am not exactly where I want to be in life, but there's not much I can do about it. I try really, really hard to make the best of what I've been given. I'm not very good at it though, admittedly. But, as I was thinking about where my life was going, my mind wandered to what I'm looking for in a relationship. One word came to my mind: honesty.
The hardest part of any new relationship for me is the 'getting to know you.' I find it awkward and strange. I just want to jump to the place where you feel like you've known each other for years. Unfortunately, the universe does not let you jump around like that, so you have to put time and energy into getting to know that person and letting them into your life. That's always awkward and difficult. But, the rewards are so worth the pain of bearing yourself to someone else. There is nothing like having someone who knows completely and still thinks you're cool.
So, when I say I want honesty in a relationship, I want complete honesty. I want to bare all my broken parts to someone. I want to tell all my dark secrets. I want to reveal every flaw, every mistake I've ever made, every weakness. I don't want them to just see my strengths or the facade I put up. I want that man to know everything there is to know about me. I want him to be there at my most vulnerable. See me without make up, see me cry, hear me get angry, be around when I'm wrong. See me at my ugliest and tell me I'm beautiful. Know all my broken parts and love me.
Because life is hard. Marriage is harder. I'm damaged and broken. I have pain and I have caused pain. I might make you cry, you will undoubtedly make me cry. I can be flakey and indecisive. I don't want to settle down. But, I want you here, through the good and the bad, the comfortable and the scary, the rich and the poor. The perfect man would know me completely and still love me unconditionally.

Know Your Name

2008-04-26T20:18:00.000-07:00

First of all, let's just stop and acknowledge just how long its been since I posted a blog. I'll wait while you do that...yeah, it really has been that long. I had kind of a rough day. And, I suppose that's what prompted this blog. That, and a Jason Mraz song, Details in the Fabric. I won't post all of the lyrics cause it drives me crazy when you do it. Here is the significant part:

If it's a broken part, replace it
But, if it's a broken heart then face it
If it's a broken heart then face it
And hold your own
Know your name
Go your own way
Hold your own
Know your own name
And go your own name

This struck me because lately I have been obsessed with names. I think names are so ridiculously important. I don't think we really give names their due. I have a pet peeve, maybe a silly one, but a pet peeve nonetheless. I absolutely hate when expectant parents tell everyone the name of their child-to-be before they give birth. I think names are so intensely personal. God places so much importance on names in the Bible. He changes them when something significant happens in a person's life (i.e., Paul, the artist formerly known as Saul). He says He has called us by name.
Sometimes, I imagine that God has a name for each and every one of us, even before we are born. There's something about that image - God having a secret name for us (and probably a handshake cause God is pretty cool like that) - that makes me feel so loved. I know the Bible says He formed each one of us in the womb. But, He kind of has to do that. Who else can? But, He took the time to name us and call us and get to know us. You don't name things unless you care about them. Have you named your couch?
So when Jason, cause we're so tight I call him by his first name, says 'know your own name' that's a pretty powerful image for me. Obviously, we all know our names, and I think most of you are intelligent enough to know that he's saying know yourself. Know who you are. There are people who spend their entire lives trying to find themselves. And, the truth is, we probably all should engage in a little self-discovery every once in a while, as painful as it can be to turn that light inward.
Really, there is so much I want to say about that short little piece of lyric. Know your name and go your own way. Find yourself and do what it takes to be that person you need to be. So much easier said than done. Especially, when life sees fit to throw you insane obstacles. But, you just have to deal with all those broken parts. You just have to find a way to cope with the situations you've been given.
Oh, but friends, there's one thing we can't forget as we struggle to find ourselves and take that road less traveled, all while dealing with life. We have an advantage. God knows our name. He calls us by that name. He even knows our broken parts. And, He still wants to hang out with us and practice that secret handshake.

When you wish upon a star, as dreamers do...

2007-12-26T20:17:00.000-08:00

So, it's the day after Christmas. While I'm not a huge fan of Canada, I think they have the right idea making today a holiday. It's such a strange day for me. Even this year, with my serious lack of holiday spirit. All the work and preparation that lead up to this one day and then suddenly, it's over. Back to the everyday grind. And, even while your tree is still up in the living room, it seems a little less magical. So, here I sit, writing a blog, syncing my ipod, and thinking about next year.

Of course, I've made the typical new years resolutions: get healthier, spend less money, read more books. The same resolutions I make every year. And, every year, I cross my fingers and hope I follow through. Don't look at me like that…you do the same thing. You say, this year I'm going to the gym three times a week, I'll stick to my budget, and finish that novel I started last January (you say that, I don't, I finished last January's novel last January). But, deep in the back of your mind, you know that the variable in all of those resolutions is your own follow through, and you're a little concerned you might get in your own way. You're not alone.

And, I want all the pieces of my life to fall into place. Seriously, is that too much to ask? Sure, I have my goals for the year, just like everyone else. But, here are my hopes for the year. I want to accomplish something that makes me feel really good about myself. I'm not picky about what it is, actually, just something that makes me feel great about being me. I would really like to keep a secret, just one. I'd like to find some way to peacefully coexist with my parents. I would say I'd like to move out, but I'm not that optimistic. I'd also like to peacefully coexist with Wayne State, but the truth is, peacefully or otherwise, I'm stuck there. So, I'd like to learn to love it, no, on second thought, I'd like to just learn. And, lastly, I want to find someone. And, I know I'm not the only one who's hoping for that one to happen.

So, good luck with all your new year's resolutions. I hope you can overcome yourself and actually see their fruition. But, more importantly, I'm really hoping you get all of those things that you are secretly dreaming of, in your heart of hearts. On New Year's Eve, while the rest of you are watching the ball drop, I'm going to be outside, wishing on a star. Wishing for the best year yet, for you and for me.

The Golden Compass

2007-12-16T20:16:00.000-08:00

Since I am avoiding studying for my Michigan Politics final, I thought I would write a blog I've been meaning to post for quite some time. I'm sure most of you are aware that last weekend a rather controversial film, The Golden Compass, was released. As always, I figured I'd throw in my two cents for those of you who are willing to listen. I have not seen the film yet, so please note that my opinions are based on the trilogy of books and not the actual film. I will not be seeing the film for sometime because I do not want to contribute to it financially. I will wait until I can rent it for free from Blockbuster.

Anyway, yes, I have read all three books. And, I am not a fan. I am not a fan for several reasons. First of all, I found them boring and a bit tedious. For those of you familiar with my blogs, you know how much I hate Dan Brown. Well, these books were like Dan Brown for kids. I think the books are marketed toward middle schoolers, an maybe even younger, but they contain some scientific themes that will most certainly go over their heads. Some of it went over my head. The characters are concerned with elementary particles, or dust, and the effect they have on children versus their effect on adults. These particles are able to communicate with the more enlightened individuals of society and children. Confused? So was I.

Secondly, as I already mentioned, I think these books are marketed toward a younger generation, but they deal with themes that I think are far too mature for someone so young. Lyra, the main character, and Will, her companion for the second and third books, have a developing romance that seems entirely innocent for quite some time. Until the latter part of the third book, when we see the relationship take a more physical turn. The author does not imply that they have sexual relations, but they do spend a considerable amount of time alone, and do kiss. It is the crossing of this relationship into a more mature realm that causes Lyra to lose her ability to communicate with the dust through her alethiometer, thus signifying that she has passed puberty, essentially.

Also, Lyra is the illegitimate child of Lord Asriel and her mother, Mrs. Coulter. Details of this relationship that I think would be better left alone are not. It is also implied that Mrs. Coulter has had other affairs with other men in order to gain what she needs to continue her experiments. (Experiments that have something to do with disconnecting the soul from the body to see how the dust changes.)

Lastly, the entire trilogy is basically an atheist's argument against God. He confuses the corruption of the institution of the church with the corruption of God, which we as Christians realize is a human institution susceptible to corruption. We can easily separate the two, ..:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Pullman does not. Basically, the trilogy culminates in the good guys (including a few rogue angels, polar bears, and witches led by Lord Asriel) waging a war against the church and God. Eventually, God is destroyed, but he turns out to be a fake, only an angel with delusions of grandeur.

The books are not only poorly written, they are the equivalent of a literary wolf in sheep's clothing. An atheist has wrapped his anti-God beliefs in a cushy little box, complete with fuzzy friends and kids who conquer evil. I do not think this is a mere question of imagination, such as Harry Potter, but rather a purposely dangerously confusing theological argument.

But, if you are looking for some quality entertainment for you kids, nieces and nephews or even yourself, allow me to make some suggestions. Stardust will be available for rent on Tuesday and the latest Harry Potter film came out last week. Gregor the Overlander is a great series, full of imaginative fun and even talking rats and bats. Also, the two Ven Polypheme books are great, although they are a bit more of a challenge.

But, don't take my word for it!

Growing up is such a barbarous business, full of inconvenience... and pimples.

2007-04-29T20:15:00.000-07:00

"Hook met the accusation with a jaunty shrug. 'Not I. You yourself. The moment a child answers the question 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' he is halfway to being an adult. He has betrayed childhood and Looked Ahead. He has joined the rank of those clerks and chicken-pluckers and box-packers who scan the Situations Vacant column in the newspapers."
Curse those teachers who demand that you choose a profession in kindergarten. Curse those admissions counselors who make you declare a major. And those professors who ask you to write papers on your own personal mission statement? Make them walk the plank. In my fairy tale, they are the Captain James Hook. They are the robbers of childhood and imagination.
Perhaps they thought that by robbing us of our imagination and instilling good sense and responsibility, we could make the world a better place. But, it turns out that sense of responsibility is what drives us to take jobs as chicken-pluckers and travel agents and retaill clerks and box-packers. Maybe we still have that imagination and that sense of adventure. But, everyday we get up and make our way to our less than desirable jobs, we are forced to supress our inner Pan in favor of paying the rent.
These professors and admission counselors probably thought their plan was foolproof, but it turns out, it's acutally imagination and that sense of Peter Pan-ian adventure that will make the world a better place. It's going to take a few Peter Pans to solve the world's biggest problems. That common sense and concern for responsibility only brings about the concern for the bottom line and concrete facts. And quote all the statistics you want, and the Captain Hooks of the world certainly do, but that's not going to save the world.
It's true. We have no fairy dust. But, Pan said, "to live would be an awfully big adventure." And, I'm thinking to live life as an adventure is a far better alternative to living a life concerned with the bottom line.

On a scale of one to ten, I'm a three...and counting...

2007-04-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

I have completely given up the male gender. I am done. I am starting to think that those crazy cat ladies who live in the old broken down house on the corner have a good plan. I understand them.
Cats don't let you down. They don't lie. They don't cheat. You remember to feed them, water them, and clean out their litter box and they will be your best friend. They will cuddle with you. You never have to fight for control of the remote or the radio. You don't have to do their laundry or remind them to put their dishes in the dishwasher. And, they are always listening to you and will never try to fix your problem.
So what if their houses are a little broken down? They don't have anyone to fix it for them. Why? Because they gave up on men and as a result, their gutters don't get cleaned, they siding doesn't get fixed, and their stairs sag a little. In the long run, does it really matter? Instead, they get to spend every night in their sweatpants with no makeup on and their legs unshaved. I think that's a trade that is more than fair.
Now, I love kids as much as the next person, actually, probably more. But, right now my bitterness level is at about a three. Give me a few years and I might be a lot higher. I'm thinking a fifteen. So, I'll probably be glad that their trick or treaters are too afraid to come and ring my doorbell. Maybe they think I would boil them and eat them, and I'll be honest if I ever get to a fifteen, I might boil and eat them. They might want to stay away.
And for those kids who do actually reach my doorbell, props to them, but I probably won't have any candy. I probably ate it all, along with the entire contents of my fridge.

Things I heard on the radio...

2007-01-27T20:12:00.000-08:00

This blog will not be about music. Why? Because the only time I get to listen to the radio is in the morning while I am getting ready for work because I do not have a radio in my car. The only other time I listen is at work while I am at reception, and I'm not usually paying that much attention. This blog will be about things I heard on the radio this week and my thoughts on those things.
Enjoy.
First, I heard that some town, I think it was Bangor, Maine, instituted a law that says you can't smoke in a car when minors are present. It's a first offense, meaning they can actually pull you over for it. At first, I was like, "good for you Bangor! Way to protect those who can not protect themselves!" But, then I started to think about it and I found myself agreeing with Bangor less and less.
I'm sure you've heard that "you can't legislate morality." Usually, this is a point of moral relativism or people who want to be allowed to do whatever you want. But, think about it. No matter how many laws you make that say you can't murder or steal or hate, people will still murder and steal and hate. Law cannot create the motivation to do what is right, just like grades cannot create the motivation to learn. I think perhaps, it may also be true that you can't legislate common sense. I would much prefer that you didn't try, honestly. Today, you are pulling me over because you think I might possibly be smoking with children in the car, but tomorrow you're knocking on my door asking if I smoke while there are children in the house (for the record, I neither smoke nor have children). While I agree that everyone should wear a seatbelt while driving and a helmet while on a motorcycle, shouldn't that be a personal decision? At the same time, I'm torn. I want to protect those children from their stupid parent's second hand smoke, but I also want to protect their right to make their own decisions in the future.
Next, I heard a much more disturbing bit of information. As I'm sure you all heard, President Bush gave the State of the Union address on Tuesday. Well, Monday, on The View, Rosie called for his impeachment. I have so many things to say about this, you may want to put your seatbelt on (I am not going to make you, it's your choice).
First of all, let's think back to the last time we called for a president's impeachment. What did that even do? Nothing. We were subjected to thousands of hours of hearings and such. Now, we are waiting to see if his wife is going to run for president. Yipee.
Second, who in the world does Rosie thinks she is? Seriously, you have a little tiny midday talk show. But, because you, a talk show host, disagrees with the leader of the Free World, we should listen to you? I don't think so. I rarely agree with Donald Trump, but he may be right about you. You are too big for your britches. Shut up.
Third, we are in the middle of a war, a war that doesn't seem to be going too well (honestly, I don't know much about it, so don't get too upset if you think it is going well). Is it really a great idea to impeach the commander of our armed forces in the middle of a war? Does that really make sense? I don't think it does.
Rosie, shut up. You're an idiot. Just because you have a lot of money doesn't mean you get to tell us what to do. It doesn't make you smart or right.

Worst Cup of Coffee Ever.

2007-01-11T20:09:00.000-08:00

Wow. I have not blogged in a really, really long time. How excited are you? Not to mention, this is an extra special blog. It's a blog about my date.
So, I met this guy on match.com. If you're curious about online dating, go ahead and give it a try. If you get nothing more out of it, it's a blast just to read/make fun of all of the other profiles. And, the truth is, you never really know, you just might me someone you was worth it. I have not, not yet, anyway.
So, anyway, I didn't really like this guy that much from the start, but I'm a nice girl (haha), so I winked back. He kept talking, I kept responding. Then, all of the sudden he asked me if I wanted to get coffee. I said, sure, call me this weekend.
Before I continue, let me give you a little background information about this guy. He's a graduate of Western, which, compared to Lee, is a party school. He has a degree in Accounting and is an auditor for the IRS. He lives by himself in an apartment while his house is being built. For fun, he plays sports and goes out to the bars. What a match.
Back to the play by play, he did not call me over the weekend. I won't lie, I was relieved. He called on Monday. I called him back on Tuesday. He told me he would have to call me back because he was grocery shopping and getting the "cans and shit" out of his car.
(In case you're keeping score:
Strike 1: Didn't call when he said he would.
Strike 2: Swore the first time he talked to me. That's just a pet peeve of mine. When did guys stop treating girls like they were ladies? I don't have a problem with swearing really, but you couldn't hold your tongue the first time you talked to a new girl? Rude and very un-gentleman-like.)
So, he did call me back and we had a very awkward conversation. He asked me if I wanted to get coffee on Wednesday. I said that wouldn't really work for me cause I had to work late. He said he might be able to squeeze me in before he went to the bar on Thursday, but he really wanted to do it on Wednesday. I agreed. (I'm not counting that as a strike, cause I already knew he wasn't a gentleman.)
So, I get to the Starbucks first. I go ahead and order, just to take the awkward-ness out of that moment. I sit down and wait and wait and wait. I check my voicemail. The guy got lost on the way to the Starbucks in the mall parking lot. Are you freaking kidding me? So, I call him back and he is a little rude to me on the phone. He is definitely annoyed that he got lost and I think he is blaming me. (Oh, and strike three for being an idiot and blaming it on me.) He has a navigation system in his car (he told me three times).
He walks in. He doesn't even shake my hand or anything. I had to reach to shake his. He didn't apoligize for being late or for not buying my drink or anything. He says he's not going to get anything to drink yet. He doesn't drink coffee anyway, which he already told me at least twice. He sits down, no I'm sorry, he slouches down. And, I tell him I'm a little nervous. Perfect invitation to flirt. Does he? No, he says, "yeah?"
From there, I pretty much talked for an hour and half. If he was talking and I would start talking, I could tell that he was getting annoyed that he didn't finish his story or whatever. He kept talking about the Krispy Kreme across the street. He never looked at me when I talked or even when he was talking.
Not to mention he looked about thirteen. I don't even think he had to shave. He was wearing crappy stone-washed jeans. He never even took his coat off. Then, as he was leaving, he didn't try to shake my head or hug me or even walk me out to the car. All he said, was, "I'll talk to you later." Yeah fricking right. If he calls me, I'm going to answer the phone with a, "are you fricking kidding me?"
That was my date.

Green Peace

2006-11-13T20:07:00.000-08:00

A few Sundays ago, the pastor at the church I have been going to spoke about Christians speaking up. I agreed with him about so many things and I want to share all of those things with you, but for now, I just want to touch on one of the thoughts that he had. So many times, we as Christians, find causes that are important to us, but seem silly to the rest of the world. We boycott Pepsi because they didn't print "In God We Trust" on their patriotic cans. We get upset because of something Disney does and they are always doing something. Are these important? Yes. But, the world is beginning to see us as silly Christians who have no idea about what is really important. So, I suggest, let Pepsi print whatever they want on their cans, you don't have to buy it. But, let's save our warheads for something more important. The pastor then suggested a few issues that we aren't speaking up on that we should be. The first one he said really stuck with me because I never even thought about it: the environment. The rest of the world is so concerned with the ozone layer and global warming and pollution and the use of alternative fuels and we don't care and the world is wondering why.

I once saw a movie about a Navajo shaman. Every morning the Navajo shaman would wake up before dawn and chant the world into being. He would chant for the sun to rise and the birds to sing. He respected nature. He revered nature. He believed that he had a part in nature. He wanted to walk in beauty on the outside, so that he could walk in beauty on the inside. He said that you could see holy people everywhere and in everything, especially in nature. So, he chanted and walked through the desert every morning. Because unless you speak, there is no world, and unless you move, there is no life.

As Christians in America, we don't think that we need to chant the world into being every morning. We know that the sun will rise and the birds will sing without our help. We don't feel an urgency to connect with nature. We don't even feel any kind of responsibility toward nature. "This world is not our home, we are just passing through," the old hymn says. Earth is only our temporary home while we wait for Jesus to prepare a mansion for us in Heaven. But, we have no idea how long it's going to be our home.

Maybe it's not our job to get up every morning and help the sun rise. Maybe we don't need to hold special ceremonies so it will rain. Maybe we don't need to have a festival to insure a good harvest. But, we do know who makes the sun rise every morning. We do know who makes the rain fall and the trees grow. We know who made this earth and everything in it. We know who lovingly molded the mountains and carefully carved the rivers and oceans. We know who controls the tides and knows every star by name. And, He did all for us. He did it so we could walk in beauty on the outside, so that we could walk in beauty on the inside.

What if we did join the world in their fight to save nature? What if we started speaking up about alternative fuels? What if we started to be concerned about the ozone layer? Heck, what if we just started reading up and educating ourselves on all these issues and started to take action? Do you think the world would start to take us seriously? Do you think they might start to have a little respect for us? I do. And do you know what people do for people they have respect for? They listen.

Desert

2006-10-08T20:05:00.000-07:00

I am convinced that I do have the best friends in the world. I may not have a million, but they are worth a million. Thanks so much all of you for trying to cheer me up in my terrible no good days. I think you deserve an update.
Currently, I am in a state of denial about my truck. It's true. I freely admit it. I function better that way. You don't have to tell me it's unhealthy. I have a degree in psychology. I know it's unhealthy. But, I know that I can't do anything about it right now, so I have pushed it out of my mind.
On another note, recently I have been checking out churches in Grand Rapids. I know that I am missing something in my spiritual life, and I know that it's the lack of a church family. So far, I've only been to three, but I am, for once, enjoying the hunt. I've brought something away from each service I have been to lately. That's refreshing. I've been to far too many showy chapels. I was starting to think that maybe that was all there was. I have been wrong. If you don't mind, I would like to share a little something from today's service.
The speaker today at Ada Bible Church was talking about the Children of Israel and the desert. God plucked them from the land of plenty and put them into the land of nothing. He let them loose in a desert with no food, no water, and nothing that they were used to. Why would he do this? It was time for the Children to start relying on Him for their daily bread. It was time that they learned that He is their portion. He was humbling them so that they could fully rely on Him.
Ouch. Perhaps, I have also been plucked from my land of plenty. I can't always depend on my parents. Most of my friends are scattered all over these fifty states. I have new bills and a new job and I'm just barely making ends meet. My car is broken and I don't have the money to fix it. That's a huge contrast to being at Lee with family just a phone call away, friends even closer, and it's probably time for me to not call my dad with all my problems and expect him to fix them. Sure, my car wasn't that reliable, but it wasn't this bad. Could God be trying to tell me something?
What if I did ask God for my daily bread everyday? What if I did rely on him for my most basic needs? What if I did expect Him, and only Him, to by my portion? What if He was it? What if I stopped, for even one second, trying to figure all of this out on my own and just let him take complete control?
For those of you who know me well, it would not be easy for me. I've never been one to let go of control. And, maybe, that's why I'm in my own little desert. God is telling me that he has all the answers, and I, in contrast, have no answers at all. Maybe, he's ripping that control away from me, humbling me, preparing me for something bigger.
Or, maybe He just wants me to shut up for five seconds and realize that He is God.

If you turn someone in who has a warrant out for their arrest, do you get a reward?

2006-10-04T20:02:00.000-07:00

I knwo you're probably getting tired of me blogging about my terrible days. You know what? Get over it. Today was a doosey.
This morning, when I was leaving for work, my car was dead. I had to drag Crystal out of bed to jump me. I made it to work with three minutes to spare. But, I couldn't really concentrate on work because I was so concerned that my car wouldn't start again.
So, when I went to start my car at lunchtime, it was dead. Awesome. So, I called Crystal and she said she would come give me a jump after work. I called Dad who told me that I would need to jump it and then drive it for a while so the alternator could charge the batter. Fine. My main problems: all I had to eat was some leftover cereal from breakfast and I had forgetten my book. So, I had an hour to kill with nowhere to go and nothing to do and nothing to eat. Bummer.
After work, we jumped my car, and let it charge on Crystal's battery a while. We drove it around for an hour and then on the way home we had another one of our fantastic adventures.
My plates are expired and have been for a while, so when I saw the lights in my rearview mirror, I was not surprised. But, I was afraid to turn the car off. So, I had to hold in the clutch the whole time. And it was a long time. First, he took my license and registration and all that jazz. He told me my plates were expired and that's why he pulled me over. He told me I needed to get my bumper fixed. (While he was at it, he should have told me the winning numbers of the lottery cause that's what I'm gonna need now.) Then, he asked Crystal for her ID, which we thought was odd, but she gave it to him anyway.
He was in the car forever. My foot is falling asleep from holding the clutch in. Finally, he comes back and asks Crystal if she would step out of the car so he can talk to her. I thought he was going to give her a sobreity test. But, he asks her if she has any knives on her possession. Then he starts asking about her address and such. He asks her is she ever lived on Toepher and she told him that her dad used to, so he asked for the address. She couldn't remember it, so he asked her to spell the street name. So, she did. He asked for her social security number and if she had any tattoos. He also asked why she was on this side of the state. Then, told her she could get back in the car.
We thought for sure she was headed to the slammer.
Then, he comes back and tells her that there is a sizeable warrant out for the arrest for someone with the exact same name, but there is no description. He strongly advised her to get this cleared up if it was her. He couldn't prove it was her so he was going to let her go. But, told her that this could be a situation like you see on tv with a swat team storming into our apartment.
Then he handed me my license back, told me I needed to get my registration cleared up. He explained that I should call the number on the back of the ticket within ten days and they will tell me everything I need to do to take care of it.
So, apparently, I'm living with a criminal who has a sizeable warrant out for her arrest, I'm still afraid my car won't start in the morning, and I really need to win the lottery.

Oh, and I just got off the phone with my dad who says I have to buy a new battery. My car just isn't charging and I just can't drive it. Great. So, I have to buy a new battery, transfer the title, renew the plates, and get the bumper fixed. And, oh yeah, pay the ticket.

What if?

2006-10-02T20:02:00.000-07:00

"When you are a kid you have your own language, and unlike French of Spanish or whatever you start learning in fourth grade, this one you're born with, and eventually lose. Everyone under the age of seven is fluent in 'ifspeak'; go hang around with someone under three feet tall and you'll see. What if a giant funnelweb spider crawled out of that hole over your head and bit you on the neck? What if the only antidote for venom was locked up in a vault on the top of a mountain? What if you lived through the bite, but could only move your eyelids and blink the alphabet? It doesn't really matter how far you go; the point is that it's a world of possibility. Kids think with their brains cracked wide open; becoming an adult, I've decided, is only a slow sewing shut."
Lately, I have found myself thinking with my brain cracked wide open. I don't know why, but I've been playing this massive game of what if. What if I hadn't gone to Tyndale those first two years? What if I hadn't dated he who must not be named? What if I hadn't stumbled upon anthropology in my senior year? What if I hadn't met the people I met and did the things I did? Would I still be here now?
I've even found myself asking the tiniest what if's. Like, what if I had taken that class at a different time or joined that club or talked to that boy? Would that have changed the course of my life at all?
Not that I want to change the course of my life. I don't think I do, but I'm definitely curious. I think I would like to make a time machine. I want to go back and make those what if decisions and see what happens. But, in the end, I don't want anything changed. I just want to know how my life would be different. I don't even want the choice, I just want the knowledge.
Sometimes, while I'm at work, or on the way to work, or anytime I'm bored at all, I play what if. Sometimes it's deep, and sometimes I just wonder what would happen if all the sudden my car took flight. I think it's good exercise for my creative mind. I doubt my imagination needs much exercise though.
What can I say? I'm curious like a cat. That's why my friends call me whiskers.

I don't have a clever title for this one. Maybe next time.

2006-09-28T19:59:00.000-07:00

How ironic is this??!! They don't even believe in Christ and they're getting their own Christmas stamp, but don't dream of posting the ten commandments on federal property? USPS New Stamp If there is only one thing you forward today.....let it be this! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of PanAm Flight 103! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the World Trade Center in 1993! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the Marine barracks in Lebanon! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the military barracks in Saudi Arabia! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the American Embassies in Africa! REMEMBER the MUSLIM bombing of the USS COLE! REMEMBER the MUSLIM attack on 9/11/2001! REMEMBER all the AMERICAN lives that were lost in those vicious MUSLIM attacks! Now the United States Postal Service REMEMBERS and HONORS the EID MUSLIM holiday season with a commemorative first class holiday postage stamp. REMEMBER to adamantly and vocally BOYCOTT this stamp when purchasing your stamps at the post office. To use this stamp would be a slap in the face to all those AMERICANS who died at the hands of those whom this stamp honors. REMEMBER to pass this along to every patriotic AMERICAN you know!!

So, this was sent to me this week via annoying forward. I know that they are people who are going to read this blog and think that I am too liberal. I know that there are people who are going to read this blog and say that I am too open minded. You better just stop reading right now. I have something to say and I won't be stopped.

I thought that the Muslim world had made it perfectly clear that they were not all fascist terrorists. I thought that any person with a reasonably average IQ could separate the small rift of Muslim extremists from the rest of the group of law-abiding Muslims, and Arabs for that matter. But, apparently I was wrong. Apparently, we have forgotten one basic human fact. We have forgotten that every group of people has aspects of their history they would rather forget. Every group of people has its black sheep. Not every Christian jumped in to help with the Crusades. Not every German worked at a concentration camp. Not every rich white American had a slave. It's true that as a whole, these groups have had to pay the price for these dirty memories of their history. But, is that right? And, should we ask the Muslims to pay the price for that rift that would see people die, see people in pain?

Why shouldn't they have their own holiday stamp? There is a rather large population of Muslims in America. Rather, there is a large population of American citizens who are Muslims. Why shouldn't they be allowed to celebrate their holidays in public? I know there are Hanukah stamps and Kwanzaa stamps and I have yet to get any forwards about those. (Sidenote: It's not technically a Christmas stamp, it's an EID stamp. I don't know why the person who wrote this forward is referring to it as a Christmas stamp.) I don't think I need to remind you why the Pilgrims came over on the Mayflower. Religious freedom is one of the values that this country was built on. Diversity is on of the things that makes America beautiful.

One more thing: Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. That is another value that America has been built on. I won't disrespect you for your beliefs. In fact, I'll do my best to hear where you are coming from and treat you with respect. Do me a favor, respect me, yourself, and the people about whom you have an opinion, and have an informed opinion. Ignorance doesn't do anyone any good. There are some things I have a hard time understanding. I don't have to agree with you, but I refuse to disrespect you. If there is on thing I can promise you, it's that I will approach you and your conflicting view with respect and an open mind. If you do the same, then only good can come from any discussion we may have. I don't like to admit it, but I have been wrong before. Thinking critically about what you believe can only lead to a stronger you.

I am a Christian. I am proud of the fact that Jesus is my savior. I am proud of what He has done in my life. I am proud that my dad is a preacher, that my half my uncles are preachers, that my grandpa is a preacher. I am proud of the fact that I have a Christian education. Those are aspects of me that I wouldn't trade for a million catrillion dollars. It's more than just a part of who I am. I would love to see every person accept Jesus as their savior. In fact, I believe that every person needs to so that they can experience a full and abundant life. But, no one will ever be won if we only tell them what they have been doing wrong. Tony Campolo once said that anytime make a person feel less like a human, dehumanized, we have sinned. And don't forget that the Bible says that a brother offended is harder to win. So in our quest to fulfill the great commission, perhaps we should think twice about how we treat people with different beliefs.

Ahhh...the smell of gas.

2006-09-22T19:58:00.000-07:00

So, this is what happened to me today. I got off work at 5:35, as usual. I thought to myself, "perhaps, I should get some gas before I make my way home." But, I decided against it because I don't live that far from work. It's really just a short jaunt on 96. Unfortunately, they was a bit more traffic than usual and so, it took a little longer than usual. I called Crystal, and just as I said that I was concerned that I may run out of gas, I ran out of gas. Right on the exit ramp of the freeway. So, she came to save me.
We went to a nearby gas station. They had a gas can that would hold one gallon of gas. But, you had to have a five dollar deposit to use the gas can. Of course, I didn't have five dollars in cash. I probably don't even have five cents in cash. So, Crystal knew the guy, so she just flirted a little. You know, used her womanly charms to her advantage and he let us take the gas can without leaving the deposit. We filled the gas can and drove back to my truck. We put the gas in my truck, but it wasn't enough. So, we went back. It still wasn't enough. So, we went back. And, it still wasn't enough. The best part, my truck wouldn't turn over any more.
So, we figured we would have to jump it. Crystal had this contraption that jumps your car without using another car. We would just have to open my hood and hook up the contraption. So, we popped the hood, but we couldn't get it open. We tried and tried and tried. So, Crystal called everyone she could think of and no one was answering. Then, her friend, Rachel, found us and told us she would talk to her neighbors and see if they wouldn't mind helping. So, we waited. We watched all the cars pull up behind my car, even though my hazards were on and we were standing outside the car. We wathced everyone look at us and not ask if we needed any help. Aaron called and said he would come save us.
But, while we were waiting for Aaron, a cop stopped. I was concerned, it's true. I was blocking one lane of an exit ramp. Oh yeah, and my plates are expired. So, finally, after a million years, the cop gets out of his car. Just as he was getting out of his car, Aaron showed up with his roommate, Jeff. So, we told the cop that we did have some help, and we would get out of the way as soon as we could. He asked what the problem was, so we told him. Not only did he open the hood for us, he waited with the lights on and then blocked traffic while we pushed the car across the street.
Anyway, in the meantime, we tried Crystal's contraption, which didn't work. So, Aaron pulled his car up to mine, and he and Jeff tried to jump my car that way. And, no, that didn't work either. So, they tried again and again. Well, then it was decided that the car needed to be pushed across the street. So, Crystal, Aaron, and Jeff pushed my car across the street while I steered (And no, I didn't do that good of a job. I just don't know my rights from my lefts.) And, so my car is still in the parking lot, waiting for me to figure out what to do.
Crystal, what an adventure we had! But, why does everything have to be an adventure? Why?
Jeff and Aaron, I doubt you will read this, but just in case, I think you should know, not many guys would do what you did, in the rain, for a girl you don't know. And, not once did you make me feel stupid for running out of gas. Today, you are my heros.
And, I think I have gas in my hair. Is that bad?

Office Space, my office space to be more precise...

2006-08-29T19:56:00.000-07:00

Well, there's good news and there's bad news. I'll tell you the bad news first.
Today, the Direct TV guy came. He told us that he could not install our dish because there is a very large tree in front of our balcony that would interupt the signal. He apoligized profusely and told us that if we got the tree trimmed down , but we would not be able to get local channels. Really, the only option is to cut the tree down completely. But, that is not an option at all. He told us we would have to get cable. So, I looked up the prices for cable and to get all the channels we would get with Direct TV we would have to pay twice as much. Well, that's a no. So, we decided we would just get basic, and I went online and made the order. Then, when I got to the end and had to confirm our installation appoint, the lady told me that service was not available at our address. What?!? I just want to watch television. I already had to give up Project Runway. Can't I at least get the network stations? Pure frustration.
The good news is that I love my job. I really do. When I originally got the job, I didn't think I would hate it. I just figured it would be a job. It would be interesting. I would get to learn something new. I figured it would be easy enough, that I would catch on pretty quickly. All of that is true. I have caught on pretty quickly. It's not too hard. But, I am challenged. I have to learn several computer systems. I also have to become familiar with all the vendors that we work with and all the tours we offer. All of the people I work with are fantastic. They are so nice. So far, I am loving being a Travel Consultant. My manager keeps telling me that it's going to get busy, but I guess I don't mind. Bring on the busy. The only real complaint I have is that it's freaking hot. But, I guess I could just get a fan. And, I have my own desk, my very own cubicle. Man, it's good to be a graduate. Today, I was just driving home from work and realized that, for once in my life, I don't mind going to work.
And, I'm watching Office Space. This is a good day.

A Slice of My Disjointed Thoughts.

2006-08-17T19:55:00.001-07:00

Here, I sit. In my brand new apartment. I said good bye to my parents and now I am sitting in my brand new apartment. Just let that sink in. It's true. I did it. I made it.
I know that this isn't my first apartment. It's my second. But, somehow, this one feels different. I don't know why. But, it does. Maybe because it's the first apartment where I get my own room. Do you know how long it's been since I had my own room? A long time. Do you know how long it's been since I had my own closet? I can't even tell you. Guess what else I have? My own bathroom. I know. It's so strange and liberating at the same time.
Today, on the way here, I passed Tyndale. And, I was thinking that the last twenty-three years of my life could be easily divided. There were the pre-high school years which, despite the fact that I moved a zillion times and they included puberty, are pretty unremarkable. Then, there was highschool. Probably the first real turning point in my life for a lot of reasons, but that is another blog. Then, of course, the tyndale years. I lived with my parents, worked full time and went to college full time. Next, are the Lee years. While I learned a lot at Tyndale, at Lee, I learned a lot about myself. I was away from home, dealing with all kinds of stuff. Work, school, social situations, which we all know are not my specialty.
And now, I am embarking on a brand new chapter in my life. I guess if I had to name it, I would call it adulthood. I know that technically I have been an adult for five years, but this is a different taste of adulthood.
I know this blog is a little disjointed, but my thoughts are a little disjointed today. I'm tired and excited all at the same time. My mind is racing with all the things I need to do. I thought I would be scared about embarking on this new journey, but I'm too excited to be scared. That's odd, considering that new restaurants make me nervous.
Oh, one more thing, I'm a pirate. Yep, this wireless signal has been commandeered by me for my illegal use. How do you like dem apples?

To boldly go where I have never gone before...

2006-08-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

I'm moving on Thursday. Yes, I am.
I got a job at Image Travel. It's a travel agency that specializes in international guided group tours. I am kind of anti-tour. I much prefer traveling by the seat of your pants, but hey, it's a job. I am pretty excited about it, though. I am excited about getting to learn about a new industry. I am excited about starting this new chapter in my life.
So, now, I am moving into my new apartment in Grand Rapids on Thursday. I am really excited about that. I just can't wait to be out of my parents' house and on my own again. They are excited about it too.
So, last week, Crystal was telling me something about her boss' wife and how she wants to reinvent herself when she turns forty. I don't care if she reinvents herself, of course, but it made me start thinking about reinvention. Madonna is the master of reinvention. She is constantly changing her image and sound to keep up with "the times." Sometimes, it works, and sometimes it doesn't.
I think that there are a few things that I would like to reinvent about myself. I've always wanted to be one of those people who got more done before 9 am that I could get done before 9 pm. I've always wanted to be one of those people who is always reading a new book and always has something interesting to say. And, I think that now is the time to reinvent myself. I'm not talking about changing who I am, of course, but would it kill me to get up a few hours earlier and get stuff done? Would it kill me to go back and read all those books I was supposed to read for class? Would it kill me to maybe exercise every once in a while? I don't think so.
Just thought I would share.

The Village and other thoughts concerning M. Night.

2006-06-19T19:52:00.000-07:00

This isn't actually a movie review. In preperation for the soon coming Lady in the Water, I was thinking about other M. Night flicks. Well, I guess I was really thinking about M. Night in general. He has become known as the crazy twist guy. You'll be watching one of his movies and think you have it figured out, and then you find out that Bruce Willis was dead or that he has supernatural powers. And that little girl was totally right about the water.
We came to expect that from him. He, like so many actors, has been typecast as the director who never ends a movie like you expect. The problem with that is that he constantly has to one up the suspense he built up in the last movie. But, not every movie is a thriller. If he made every movie a thriller, he would become cliche and blah and no one would go see his movies anymore.
But, when M. Night makes a movie that isn't a thriller, people are disappointed. Case in point: The Village. Everyone expected the movie to be about scary monsters. So when there were no scary monsters, just the elders dressed up in crazy costumes, people thought that was the crazy twist. But, no, if that's what you thought then you wrong. Some people thought that the crazy twist was the fact that the village wasn't what you thought. It was a modern day group of people that had voluntarily secluded themselves from the world. If this is what you thought, then you were only half right.
The crazy twist in The Village is that it isn't a thriller. It's not about the monsters. It's not about the suspense. It's about love. Yep, it's M. Night's version of a love story. And, it's a damn good version. But, before you go thinking the wrong thing again, let me just add that it's not just about romantic love. It's about people loving their children and their family so much that they were willing to seclude themselves from the rest of the big scary world so that they could give their children the best possible life. They gave up their careers and the members of their family who didn't want to come so that they could build a better life. It's about the kind of love that produces a kind of pain that would make people want to seclude themselves from the rest of the world. It's about loving someone so deeply that when you lose them, you lose yourself.
The elders understood that love so completely that when Lucius Hunt was stabbed they broke all their rules to save Ivy walker from that same kind of pain. It's a movie about a love so pure that if you're not careful you could miss it. It's a movie about innocence.
Only a genius of a director could pull of such an amazing movie. And, only M. Night is that kind of genius. Perhaps I am a bit biased, but few movies are shot as well as his. His aliens were probably the most beleivable aliens I have seen in a movie in a long time. And what director pays such attention to detail as he did in The Sixth Sense? And, what does it say about a director when actors want to work with him again and again? And, not just any actor, good actors. Bruce Willis, Bryce Dallas Howard, Joaquin Phoenix have all worked for him twice. He's had Mel Gibson, Sigourney Weaver, Adrien Brody, Samuel L. Jackson, Haley Joel Osmet, and Toni Collete in at least one of his projects. That's not a list you should sneeze at. So, don't.
All of you need to go out and rent The Village and any other M. Night movie you didn't like and watch it again with new eyes. Shake off your old prejudices. Stop looking for the twist and start looking for the story. Because not only is M. Night a brilliant director, he is a fantastic writer, a story teller.

I need a map.

2006-06-06T19:50:00.000-07:00

I don't really know why I am writing this. I just sort of need to send this cosmic question out into the universe.
Today, I was listening to the radio and the DJ said that the artist who had just sung the song was only twenty-three and already has three number one songs. That made me start thinking, that's how old I am. And, how many other twenty-somethings are out there acheiving their dreams. They are out there making movies, on tour, hitting home runs and such while I live in my parent's basement working at a medical billing office and watching the gilmore girls.
I have already resigned myself to the fact that it is unlikely that I will "make it" before I'm twenty-five. So, I'm shooting for thirty. Now, I know that thirty isn't old, but it is in seven years. I do not have that kind of patience. I think John Mayer called it a "quarter life crisis." I feel like I am sitting behind a desk waiting for my life to start while the rest of the world is just zooming by. It hurts a little.
Another part of the problem is that while I am waiting for my life to start, I feel a little guily because I feel like I could be starting it if I just knew what to do. If I just knew what job to take or who to talk to or what classes I should sign up for, then I could get my life started. But, I have no idea what I am doing. Here I am, graduated from college, with a good idea of where I want to end up, but with no idea what steps to take to get there.
So, college students, worse then the dreaded senioritis is the quarter life crisis that seems to inevitably follow. I have all this freedom. I don't have to go to class or write a paper. I don't have to register for classes. But, it seems when I don't have someone telling me what to do, I'm lost as to what step to take next. Like John Mayer said, there is just a stirring in my soul, wondering about a still verdictless life.

Confessions

2006-05-23T19:58:00.000-07:00

I thought that because I have now graduated from college and have entered the real world and adult life that maybe there are a few confessions to make before I start this new chapter.
1. I love American Idol. No, excuse me, I really really love American Idol. Sometimes Tuesdays are the highlight of my week, especially lately. I vote and vote and vote. No, I am not giving this up.
2. Sometimes I stay in my pajamas all day. I want to. I don't see any reason why I shouldn't. It's not like I would go to work in my pajamas and I hardly ever leave the house in them, so every once in a while I just stay in them for a very long time.
3. I daydream a lot. It exercises my creative mind.
4. I really did wonder if Ross and Rachel were going to get together in the end.
5. I hate when people make suggestions about what I should do. I know they are trying to be helpful by offering their knowledge in a particular area, but I really just want to punch them in the face. Look, I'll find my own path, thanks. And, if I do need your help, then I'll ask.
6. Boys make me nervous. Always have, always will. I'm not sure why. And, honestly, I have a bachelors degree in psychology, so if I did want to know, I would figure it out on my own.
7. And, lastly, I love television. I know a lot of you already know this about me, but I want to say it for everyone to hear. I love tv. I watch it a lot. And I don't think I am any less smart for it. And if I was, then dang, I could have been the next Einstein.
I invite your own confessions, but you probably shouldn't tell me. I don't really care. I hardly ever listen to people when they talk.

I'm set adrift, with a diploma for a sail and lots of nerve for oars.

2006-05-06T19:56:00.000-07:00

Today I graduated.
They did not let me give an acceptance speech, so I decided I would put one in blog form anyway. So, if I would have been able to give a speech upon accepting my diploma what follows is what I would have said.
First and foremost, I want to thank my family. My parents have supported me in more ways than I could possibly recount. My sisters have been wonderful as well. We don't always get along, sure, but I always know I can call on them. Also, to my extended family, especially to those of you who are here today. All of you have been the base of my support system and I have a hard time believing that I could have actually made it without you.
Second, I want to thank my friends. I hesitate to name them for fear that I might leave someone out, but there are a few I would like to name. Crystal, without you, I would have no idea where I'm going. Joshua, thank you so much for picking me up on the side of the road, changing my tire and all the other things you do for me. Mary and Sarah Beth, you were my salvation those first few semesters and I never would have made it without you. Jessie, my wonderful roommate, I can't believe we did it. Sara, this is only the beginning. And, finally, Audrey, if you wouldn't have caught me on the way to the registrar's office, I definitely wouldn't be here.
Third, I want to thank the faculty and staff. Namely, Dr Dirksen and Dr. Jones. I know that I can be an annoying student. I know that I can be a pain in the butt. Dr. Dirksen you have taught me, but more importantly, you have showed me a bigger world out there. Thanks for Peru. Dr. Jones, you have always made me believe that I can do anything. Your passion about even the most boring aspects of Anthropology is infectious.
I can't believe I have finally made it. And while I am proud of myself, I am proud of us. It has taken a lot of people to get me here. I did not do it on my own. It took a village to get this girl graduated.

You can read this if you want.

2006-04-13T19:55:00.000-07:00

I know I've been blogging a lot lately, and maybe you are tired of reading them. Well, you don't have to read this one. I will not be complaining though. And, it's not about graduation. It's something I've never written about before. I know your interest is peaked now.
Okay, so I have been reading this book by Tony Campolo called A Reasonable Faith. I wasn't impressed until I got to the second to last chapter today. He was talking about self actualization and humanism. Don't worry if you don't know what that is because I'm going to break down my favorite parts for you. If you are curious though, I do suggest you read it.
So, basically Campolo is building around Maslow's theory of self-actualization, which is that the ultimate goal of humanity is to become the most perfect human, to be fully human. Campolo suggests that the only way we can become fully human is to have an intimate relationship with the only person who is fully human, Jesus.
The most interesting thing about Campolo's Christian Humanist theology is not the above statement, which is the main premise, but its implications. The one on sin being my favorite. If we are all striving to be that most fully human, then we should also be striving to bring others to that same state. And anytime we succeed in bringing a person, including ourselves, closer to self-actualization, we have accomplished good. Anytime we fail to bring a person, included ourselves, to self-actualization, we have not accomplished good. Worse yet, if we make a person, including ourselves, feel less like a human, dehumanized, we have sinned. Whoa. Holy Moses.
Think about that. I am still trying to wrap my mind around it. But, how many times do you think you dehumanize someone? Call some driver an idiot, treat the casheir like they're stupid, or get agitated in a drive thru. We are dehumanizing them. But, even more, when we fail to humanize someone, or bring them closer to being fully human, is that a sin as well? Man, I don't know. But, I have to be honest, I am loving this new perspective on sin. I like the black and whiteness of it.
It definitely made my last trip to Walmart a little more interesting.

"Adventure," she cried, "adventure!"

2006-04-12T19:53:00.000-07:00

I am so bored. I am bored with Cleveland. I am bored with my apartment. I am bored with my job. I am bored with school. I am bored with my life. Let me break it down for you.
Cleveland does not rock. Cleveland sucks. There is never anything exciting going on. Well, last week there was the festival of cultures, but I had to work. You can drive from one side of Cleveland to the other in ten minutes and not see anything excited. I know, I just did it. In fact most of the restaurants are closed by ten. Well, that's just silly.
Because I do not have a job, and I only have class on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and most of my friends do not have this cushy arrangement. So, I spend most of my days hanging out in my apartment. I hate it. I feel like a big, lazy slob.
I am bored with my job. Yes, I am the Lee University Lady Flames Concessions Manager. I am grateful for my job. And, most of the time, I don't mind my job. But, sometimes, I just get sick of serving hot dogs. Sometimes, I have a lot of fun with my job. And, sometimes, I don't. The truth is, it just doesn't pay enough.
I am twenty-three days away from graduation. That is exciting. I am definitely not bored with that. No freaking way. However, seriously, what are you going to teach me in twenty-three days. Actually, it's far less than twenty-three days, it's actually eight days. What are you going to teach me in eight days? What could I possibly prove to you about my own intelligence in those eight days. If I haven't proven that I am worthy of my degree, am I really going to prove it to you in those eight days? I really don't have the motivation to write one more paper, to take one more exam, to listen to one more lecture.
I think I am done complaining. I realize that my life is not that bad. I'm just frustrated right now. I just need a little adventure. I am not content hanging out in my apartment, watching television and writing response papers. I need to climb a mountain, hang out in a cafe with a hot guy with a lovely accent, take a hike in a jungle, hell, I'd eat a jungle grub.

AND ANTHROPOLOGY

2006-04-07T19:52:00.000-07:00

Today, I went to the bookstore to pick up the twenty-five announcements the school gives me for free. Before I even open the announcements, I call my mom to let her know that they are in. Then, I open them and saw what they said. Sure, they spelled my name right, but the got my degree wrong. Oh man, am I ever mad. It says I am a candidate for a Bachelor of Art's Degree in Psychology.
AND ANTHROPOLOGY!
But, do they say that? No.
The truth is, I don't really care what the announcements say. If the school didn't give them to me for free, then I wouldn't even be sending them out. But, I do care what my degree says. I do care what they say when I walk across the stage. And if they can only say one major, fine, but I want it to be Anthropology. None of the psychology professors even know my name. I don't even care about psychology anymore. Sure, I probably learned some useful things, but if I had to do it all over again, I would only do anthropology.
My fellow double major, Sara, and I are feeling as though we aren't getting a fair shake. Neither major wants to recognize us because we betrayed them in some way. It's like we are Samaritans, not fully Jewish, and not fully Gentile. But, there is one difference, we have done the same amount of work as every single major, plus the work of an entire seperate major. I only had one class that overlapped. This is ridiculous. I stayed an entire year longer because I discovered that anthropology is truly my passion, my avenue to change the world, and I don't even get the recognition for it.
Man, come Monday if something doesn't change, heads are gonna roll. I'm calling my Mama.

Reese's Pieces and Amoebas

2006-04-04T19:51:00.000-07:00

I am eating Reese's Pieces for lunch. I thought perhaps this blog may make more sense if you knew that little tidbit of information.
This morning I took a linguistics test and I think I did a pretty good job. I'm talking passing here, folks. Then, I was talking to my Spanish professor and he said he didn't think I would be failing any classes this semester, including his. Well, thank you very much Profesor Esmit. Also, I have rediscovered the comfort and versatility of jeans and a t-shirt, and I'm not going to wear anything but for the rest of the semester. So, I am having a fabulous day. But, that is not why I am writing this blog. I am writing this blog because I have happened upon a theological truth that I wanted to share with all of you.
We all know that when we get to heaven, we will be given a new body. There has been much discussion as to what form these new bodies may actually take. Discuss no further. I have figured it out. We will be amoeba-like. Obviously, we will not be amoebas, because amoebas are unicellular organisms, and we will be mulitcellular. What is my reasoning, you ask? I forget, but think of the advantages. There is no fat or thin when it comes to amoebas. They are shapeless. They can even change shape to fit the situation. Come on, that would totally come in handy. Think of all the new forms of creative movement we could discover. Amoebas are slimey. Gross? No! Convenient, we won't have to worry about personal hygeine. Can an amoeba be less slimey? Would it matter? I don't think so. We also won't need to give any thought to what we will wear because, amoebas don't wear clothes. This is so obvious, I can't beleive no one has thought of it yet. I am a genius.
--------
Update: May 10th, 2006
So, I told my dad about my amoeba theory. He calmly told me that we will be known as we were. He gave me some scriptures and said that we will probably be the same, our body will just be new. I tried to tell him that I didn't really think we would be amoebas and he told me I should want the truth. whatev.

You have bewitched me.

2006-04-02T19:49:00.000-07:00

You must know... surely, you must know it was all for you. You are too generous to trifle with me. I believe you spoke with my aunt last night, and it has taught me to hope as I'd scarcely allowed myself before. If your feelings are still what they were last April, tell me so at once. My affections and wishes have not changed, but one word from you will silence me forever. If, however, your feelings have changed, I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love and love and love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on. And every woman in the world breathes a collective sigh.
This past week, I received the most lovely thing, a care package from my little sister. And, my little sister, being the little sister that she is, sent me nothing I needed, but everything I wanted, including Pride and Prejudice. So, in the past week, I have watched it at least three times. Actually, probably more because I have watched the scene that the above quote is from about fifteen times.
But, I couldn't help but wonder why I put myself through it. Why do I watch these romantic movies over and over, when I usually end up feeling depressed because I have yet to find that bewitching love? But, the truth is that while I am a tid depressed, I find much more hope, hope that someday I wil find that man who loves and loves and loves me. It is a gentle reminder that love really does exist. And it can survive through an insane mother with bad nerves, an overzealous aunt concerned only with her daughter's welfare, and a pledge to loathe him for all eternity.

Equality Ride

2006-03-21T19:49:00.000-08:00

For those of you who do not know what happened on the campus of Lee University last week, a group of activists on a freedom ride stopped by. They said that they were fighting for civil rights. They said that they were following in the tradition of the freedom rides of the 60's and the 70's. They were a group of gay and lesbian students traveling across the United States asking Christian colleges and military schools to remove the homosexual clause from their handouts and rules. If you want to know more about them, they have a pretty well organized website, www.equalityride.com.
I don't have a problem with what they are doing. I don't agree with them. But, I recognize their right to have their own point of view and to broadcast it all they want. However, I do have a problem with their attitude. According to Dr. Conn, when they first approached him, they asked for public forum. It has been my experience with Dr. Conn and the majority of the staff at Lee University that they take a pretty liberal view on most topics. They allow for varying opinions and will grant those varying platforms a soapbox, if they want it. He only asks that they maintain a public discourse, meaning that both sides of the argument are presented. ER did not wish to have a public discourse. They were not willing to discuss their beliefs with others who may not agree with them. So, as a result, Dr. Conn would not allow them any public forum. This is what the students were told from the start. (http://www.leeuniversity.edu/info/news/news-article.asp?newsid=3323)
From my point of view, it was a pretty boring two days. They weren't any public demonstrations. I actually was kind of hoping to talk to a member of ER, but they pretty much ignored me as I walked into chapel. They didn't come into any of my classes. The only real issue was that some close-minded resident of lovely Cleveland spraypainted "fags-mobile" in hot pink paint on the side of their bus. Fabulous.
Well, I thought it went off without a hitch, but today, I read the online journals about their visit to Lee. I found myself getting angrier and angrier. First, they have an article saying that on Wednesday night, Dr. Conn told them they were not allowed any public forum. This surprised them because he had previously said they would be allowed one. No, he didn't. He's been telling us from the beginning that they wouldn't be allowed a public forum. Then, they refer to those of us that do not agree with them as close minded and lacking the Love of Christ. Well, that just flat out pisses me off. I am far from close-minded. I accept their right to practice whatever way of life they choose. I do not agree with it. I'm not grossed out by LGBT's. I admit that I don't understand it, but that's why I was looking forward to ER's arrival. I wanted to hear what they had to say.
As for lacking in the Love of Christ, they are so wrong. Maybe I'm not the best example of Christ's Love, but I know plenty of people on this campus that personify it. I think a reexamination of Christ's Love may be in order. Jesus ate with sinners and publicans, but he did not agree with them. He did not accept them. He commanded that they rise above their sin. That's really what He's asking us all to do. He wants us to shed out dirtiness and become clean, become better, become useable.

Language Purism

2006-03-15T19:47:00.000-08:00

This blog will not be about language purism at all. Want to know why? Because I don't know anything about language purism. But, I have a paper due at 7:45 in the morning that is supposed to be about language purism. Actually, it's just a rough draft. Why do I have to write a rough draft? I passed English 110. I already proved that I am capable of writing a paper. Why do I have to turn in a test paper first? I don't know.
I am so over school. Can I just say that? I don't think it's fun. I don't think it's a good experience. I'm done. Emotionally, philosophically, physically, and in every other way, but technically. I am totally spent. I don't think I could learn anything else if I tried. And the truth is, I don't think I'm going to try. I think I may be ready to commit educational suicide. If you know what that means, then my guess is you are in the same boat as me. The rest of you who are saying, "oh my God, what is she talking about? Should we be concerned? Should we call her parents? Is there a doctor in the house?" Do not call a doctor, and for God's sake, do not call my mom. Someday you will be in the same boat. Trust me.
One last thing, does anyone know where I could buy a paper? Seriously, I've lost all moral fiber when it comes to my education. Fortunately, I'm broke.

Doctor, I think she has an acute case of senioritis.

2006-03-12T19:44:00.000-08:00

I have never in my life not wanted to be somewhere so bad. I hate Cleveland. I hate Lee. I hate going to class. I hate going to Walmart. I hate Bradly Square Mall. I hate not having a real job. I hate homework. I hate writing papers. I hate spring break.
All week, I have been attempting to "catch up." I have a ton of homework. I did get a considerable amount done, but not all of it. And, then Emily told me that our linguistics rough draft is due on Thursday. Holy suck. I actually find linguistics terribly interesting and, in another life, might consider pursuing it on the graduate level. But, to write a paper about something I don't really know anything about yet, is not an appealing proposition. I have so much reading to do, so much writing to do. I also live in constant fear that I might fail spanish.
I am so bored. I am bored, bored, bored. I am bored with school. I don't want to read one more anthropologist who died before my mom was born. I don't want to write one more paper. I don't want to conjugate one more verb. I am done. But, if I am not doing homework, I have nothing else to do. I am broke. And even if I wasn't broke, there isn't anything to do here. Especially this week, since everyone was gone. I don't even have cable.
On top of all that, I'm having this peculiar problem. I can't sleep. I'll be so tired, but then when I go to bed, I can't sleep. It's annoying. I think I'm done complaining. But, I do think I have the worst case of senioritis ever. I may actually be diagnosable. And that's my semi-professional opinion.
I'm spent.

That Elusive Twenty Dollar Bill...

2006-03-01T09:44:00.000-08:00

Okay, so a lot of people have been asking me what happened yesterday, so I decided to write a blog about. So, the rent is due today, but I was going to pay it yesterday. But, you know, when you get money out of an ATM, you can't ask for exactly the amount you need. So, I had to go above the amount I needed. I had to go over by like eighteen dollars because you have to request the amount in increments of twenty dollars. Well, you know how they work. So, I decided to go to Chik-fil-a and get some sweet tea so I could break the twenty and make life a little easier. So, me and my roommate are in the drive-thru, listening to sunny 92.3, and being silly. I had the twenty dollar bill in my hand and I was playing with it. And, then....
It happened.
The twenty dollar bill slipped down inside my car door.
I asked the two lips that hold the window to hold my twenty for a second. You know, I just needed to get something. So, I said, to the lips that hold the window, "will you please hold this for a second." They said, "oh, sure, no problem. We hold the window all the time, of course we can hold that twenty dollar bill." But, they did not. They failed. They let go.
Luckily, I had some more cash, or we would have been in trouble. But, we were both laughing so hard we were crying. The guy in the drive thru must have thought we were absolutely insane.
Then, we got home, and looked inside the door and Jessie said she could see it. So, we got a hanger, stretched it out, and stuck some gum on the end of it. It didn't work. Then we took the gum off and fashioned a little hook out of the hanger. Man, if only we had had the foresight to punch a hole in the bill that would've worked. Then, Kevin came over and he tried to take the door apart. Well, that started to look like it might be bad. I was afraid we were going to break the door and then it would cost more than twenty dollars to fix it.
So, today, I think we will try a vacuum. We might also try to fashion giant tweezers out of a hanger and see if that works. If it doesn't, then, when I sell my car, I'm just going to see it for twenty dollars more than it's worth, no matter what. But, for now, that twenty dollar bill is just laying at the bottom of my door taunting me, laughing at me.

Hands and Feet

2006-02-28T14:28:00.000-08:00

So, as I am a senior for the second year in a row, I am familiar with senioritis. I no longer care about my gpa or what grades I get in any particular class. For, as my good friend reminded me so recently, c's get degrees. I am sick of writing papers, and I am so over exams. I don't mind skipping class. I won't lose any sleep over it. The semesters have become these never ending blocks of time. I can spot a freshman from a mile away, actually, I think I can smell them by now. I know what times to go to Walmart or the PCSU or even the business office to avoid people, and that's generally when I go. Yeah, I know all about senioritis, or so I thought.
I didn't think about another symptom of senioritis. It's when you break out in hives because people keep asking you what you are going to do with your degree or what you are going to when you graduate. Most of the time, I'm content answering honestly. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can give you my plans for the next year or so, but honestly, my future is something that I'm not completely sure of. I just don't know what road I'm going to take and where that road will eventually lead me. I just don't know. But, today, when I got into my car, Audio Adrenaline was playing. It's the Underdog cd. I don't know why it was in my changer, but it popped up and I was pretty excited. They were one of my favorites when I was in high school. Anyway, the song that was playing was Hands and Feet.
I started thinking that all God has asked me to do was to be his hands and his feet. God can't (or won't, take whatever theological standpoint you will, this is a blog) be here on this earth. He can't physically touch people, he can't hand them a glass of water, or help them build a church. But, we can. I'm no preacher. Sure, I can jump up on a soapbox every once in a while, but that is definitely not my calling. But, I can reach people with the message of Jesus just by handing them a cup of water. I don't know if I'm making any sense. But, from now on, when someone asks me what are you going to do with that degree (which admittedly it is a strange combination), I'm going to tell them that I am going to be His hands and feet. I'm serious, people. I'm not trying to be cute or super spiritual. This song really resonated with me today. I am going to be His hands and feet. I want to reach people in a really practical way. I want to clothe them, feed them, hold them, love them. I really want to be His hands and feet.

Nostalgia and Growing Pains

2005-12-28T16:46:00.000-08:00

So, today, on the way to work, I was fooling around with my cd player, and what should fill my speakers, but the sounds of some old school John Mayer. Okay, maybe he's not that old school, but I think I bought that cd in high school. Well, I started feeling a little nostalgic. I was thinking about highschool and all the wonderful things that come along with it (sense the sarcasm), and how much I have changed since then. Just the other day, Crystal was saying that even if we could turn back time and go back to high school, it would be completely different. And it would, if I could relive that part of my life, knowing what I know now, nothing would be the same. But, if I could relive that part of my life, and I changed everything I did back then, what would my life be like now. I believe that some of those lessons were just too invaluable to give up just for the sake of the avoidance of a few pains. Plus, I could never give up Washington DC, Tyndale, and that one time we snowboarded.
But, even as I was reminiscing, I started to think about how I am looking forward to moving forward. Living with my parents now is no picnic. Man, there are a lot of people in that house. I hate my job with such a burning passion, that I feel it may be straight from the devil. I used to love that job. I used to really love that job, a lot. Now, I struggle to make it through the eight hours I have to sit behind that desk. And, while I am scared crapless about life after graduation, I am really looking forward to walking across that stage. I have no idea what's in store for me, but I know that I am outgrowing that person I used to be. I think that I have more than just come out of my shell, but I broke that thing wide open.

My Wonderful Afternoon

2005-11-12T21:46:00.000-08:00

So, this is what happened to me today. It was noon and I was hungry, but, of course, I don't have any food in my apartment, so I decided to go to Subway. I didn't get my cell phone because Subway is like a block from my apartment. My cats have developed this habit of running out the door when you open it, so I was trying to keep them in the apartment and lock the door at the same time. So, guess what I forgot, yep, my keys. And I did manage to lock my door. Well, I didn't have my phone, so I decided to walk down to the gas station and call my roommate from the payphone. She didn't answer. I walked back to my apartment and I heard my neighbors in their apartment, so I knocked (actually, I had to knock like three times). We share a laundry room and I was hoping we had left the door unlocked, as we so often do. We had not. (Let me just interject that my neighbor was not very concerned about my plight. She didn't offer to let me use her phone or anything.) So, I sat on the porch for about a half an hour waiting for my roommate. I guess she didn't get my voicemail. I figured she was at her boyfriend's, so I started walking. It's a pretty long walk, probably a mile or two, maybe more. But, I didn't have anything else to do. So, I walked all the way to his apartment, only to find that they weren't there. Then, I had to walk all the way back home. Sure I could have called someone else, but I didn't have my phone, and the payphone had already eaten all my change, and I never memorize anybody's numbers anymore. So, I walk all the way back to my apartment. I'm still hungry and really thirsty, and I could have walked to Subway, but now I'm tired of walking, so I take a nap in my car. After I woke up, it was starting to get cold, so I decided to wait in the hallway of my building. My roommate has to come home soon because her car is here and she has to go to work. By this time it's like 4pm. My neighbor (not the same one as before, but her roommate) comes home and asks me what's wrong. She does let me use her phone and I call my roommate's boyfriend and he says shes in the fitting room, in Chattanooga. But, they are leaving as soon as Jessie buys the jeans, so I only have another half an hour to hang out in the freezing cold hallway. The good news was that I had left the television on so I at least had something to listen to. The bad news was that it was a Trading Spaces I had already seen twice. Finally, my roommate comes home and apoligizes profusely for not answering the phone the first time, but she has this thing about not answering numbers she doesn't recognize and she didn't want to check her voicemail because she was afraid it was work. Obviously, it's not her fault, I should have just gotten my keys. So, I spent an entire afternoon being locked out of my apartment, and no, it was not fun.

Can you be too picky?

2005-10-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

This week I was on a mission. I needed brown flats. Okay, maybe I didn't need them, but I wanted brown flats. I went to every store I could think of that sold shoes. I found lots of brown flats, but there was something wrong with every pair. Some of the toes were too pointy, or the heel was to chunky, or the shade of brown wasn't exactly right. Some were too sparkly, and some weren't sparkly enough. Once, I went into a store, found a really cute pair, but didn't try them on because the sales people were creeping me out. Finally, I found the perfect pair, the price was a little high, but they were perfect. Then, when I got them home, they gave me a huge blister. So, I got to thinking that maybe my habit of being picky when it come to shoes may bleed over in other areas of my life. Maybe the reason why I don't date much (okay or not at all) isn't because I haven't met the right guy, but because I rule some people out before I even try them on. I don't like their hair, or their shoes don't match their belt, or their jeans are a little tapered at the ankle. Then, when I finally find a guy I'm interested in, I'm willing to pay the much higher price, but I just end up getting hurt. Where do you draw the line between being picky and having standards? Actually, I think the tapered jeans thing may be a justifiable reason for passing someone up.

Rude People

2005-09-23T15:20:00.000-07:00

Did I suddenly fall into a deep sleep and wake up in a world where it's suddenly all right to be rude? Serioulsy, when did common courtesy become passe? Before I give my rant, let me present you with some examples. First of all, yesterday I went to chapel (I'll wait for the gasping and shreiks of surprise to subside) and the speaker was a bit on the boring side, but really, it's only an hour. Are we not adults? Even I can sit still for an hour. About five minutes into the sermonette, the kid next to me answers his phone. He quietly tells the person he's in chapel and hangs up. I thought, "at least he was quiet." Then, about three people down from me, two people begin to have a conversation, not a whispered conversation, but they were talking like they were not in chapel. Sure, sometimes, when I talk, I'm loud and I don't mean to be, but then, people started turning around and shushing them (which, for the record, does not usually solve the problem). They still did not shut up. Then, Dr. Boone began his conclusion and the girl in front of me answered her phone! She had an entire converstation, again on normal voice level. (She had been texting the whole time as well.) Then, last night I was in class. It's a class I really enjoy, Visual Anthropology, taught by one of my favorite professors. It's a really laid back class, we watch movies, eat popcorn, and have discussions. During the hour and a half she was in class, she had a cell phone coversation, asked to have her presentation date changed because she thought she might have something to do next week, came in late from break, and then she straight up fell asleep on the front row, and when she woke up, she left. Another guy had a loud conversation during someone's presentation. I've also noticed a growing trend of people picking their feet in class. What is going on? Turn of your cell phones, shut your mouths, stay awake, and for the love of God, stop picking your feet! I wonder, am I blowing this out of proportion, or have people become progressively ruder and ruder?